What the Hell I'll Write Something

Or I'll watch the MTV Movie Awards.

What?

It's a Business Call

After work today I came home and laid on the floor next to Dexter as he chewed his new hoof. While I laid there, I thought about Joe and decided to call him up just to test my luck. Well, he actually answered, to which I explained that I didn't think he would and that "I just called to say asldkfj;lwjaxu." Yes, I fell over every word after 'say' and finally just stopped. I guess I was excited. I dunno. A short pause followed, and then Joe said in his Harry Carry voice "It's a business call." I died. It was hilarious. There's nothing better than when he makes me laugh heartily. And I did.

But yeah, it was that kind of day at work. In the morning treatment team meeting, I tried to answer a psychiatrist's question with a response that involved the word "clarification." Well, I tried unsuccessfully 5 or 6 times (no, really) before he told me to take a deep breath. He's actually really cool, and we joked around later. But still, I was a big ol' jackass there for a little bit. It was horrifying.

Still, today was good in the end. Though I was in a dense fog through most of work, I was able to come home, rest a bit, and then be somewhat productive. I made a salad with some of the chicken I baked yesterday and had some whole wheat bread dipped in a basil/olive oil mixture. It was good. Also, I vacuumed the living room and decided that I MUST vacuum more regularly because it's warmer now and Dexter IS shedding. Additionally, I did laundry...I even used bleach and baking soda for extra clean/freshening. It was good. And, Dexter and I went for a walk. As it turns out, when you're depressed, you may not have the energy for exercise. But when you sleep like shit all night because your eye starts twitching the moment you put your head on the pillow, you realize you gotta be active enough to work that shit out. There is currenly only minimal twitch-age, thanks to being active and gin (Paige). I feel so fortunate.

Cantaloupe Eyes Come To Me Tonight, Lucy in Disguise

With Glasses.

(Ma, click on the pic to make it bigger. And yes, there's a glare on Joe's nose.)

I have nothing to write about. I'm just going to be upfront about that. I worked today assessing a bunch of suicidal people and then came home. My top two suicidal gestures in the last several days have been hanging by belts and overdose of pills. It's fantastic.

Once at home for the evening, I managed to talk myself out of cooking dinner (I even thawed chicken), walking the dog, doing laundry, and vacuuming. Um. You could say things aren't going well. But, on the upside I did will myself to go buy Dex more dog food so he doesn't starve tomorrow. Oh lord. Something's gotta give. I'm just in this down place. I'm tired of talking about Joe being gone because he's not even deployed. But I think that's just it. I'm realizing that him being gone is the norm no matter what, and we know I have feared this. Though I have friends and now even a job, this lonely "without a mate" feeling is starting to set in. Probably because I see no end in sight. Loving each other really does have to be enough.

I really need to get motivated. When I was actually working out regularly, it all started because I had to exercise my mind while Joe was gone in basic, otherwise I was super anxious and checked the mail compulsively. And working out felt good!!! I had to do it to stay sane. But I'm not anxious anymore. I'm the opposite, which means I don't have the kind of energy to redirect into exercise.

Okay, Joe just called. I mentioned some of this stuff just briefly - without anger or games, and he actually said it's stuff he's been thinking about too. We left it at that, but it was good to know we're on the same page. That's a strength.

So anyway. I'm just wrapping up watching the Nanny Diaries. (Cute movie.) Dexter has finally curled up next to me on the couch. And my right contact has finally given out. I'd say it's time for bed. Also, just FYI for everyone, I thought my contacts were dirty and kept cleaning them - even opened a new box - only to find at my eye exam the other day that my body is starting to reject my contacts. The doc had to flip up one of my eye lids which sent me into a panic remembering all the kids that used to gross me out with that in elementary school. Seriously, it took me a minute to be still again so he could examine. Anyhow. He found the tell-tale bumps under my eye lid. Apparently this occurs mostly with people who sleep in their contacts. But I don't. I'm just lucky. So now at night I have to put my contacts in a special contraption with a peroxide-based cleaner. Uh, yes. They must be thoroughly rinsed before I put them on my eyes in the morning. I've been terrified every time so far, but alas I haven't burned my eyeballs yet. And that too is a strength.

No.

I took Dex to the vet today for a vaccine update, and he now weighs 60 lbs. Woohoo! Also, this pic is nearly his norm now when he lays on the couch, except that the pillow usually isn't there, and instead he just lays his head across the arm of the couch. He's fantastic, and I'm so glad I have him here with me when Joe's gone. Which is all the time. In fact, Joe called me from Battery Park in NYC today. Dick.

So today is my day off before I work the next 7 days or so. I don't know what I'd hoped to accomplish today other than being lazy and sleeping, and I believe I got that done. Ooh, and I need to make a dental appointment. Yes. At work the last few days I've been in Admissions as a fill in for the day shift social worker. It's been pretty busy in there...soooo many suicidal folks, but it's good. Time goes by really fast, and I'm getting better and better with knowing what I'm doing. Competency is always good. I'm still intimidated by the psychiatrists I work with, but they are respectful and actually do ask my opinion. This is good practice for one day when I hopefully get a job on post as an LCSW. Booya.

Now onto more important things. Lately, I feel like my blogs have been lacking. Like all the funny shit I see or think about during the course of a day is immediately forgotten as soon as I start writing a new post. I don't know why that's happened. Bah. One thing I do remember is something that happened last night. I was sitting on the couch eating dinner (because why not) while Dexter tossed his ball around the living room by a convenient flap he's pulled down off the side. In the past I've seen him make some pretty good tosses - once into frame of the TV, into walls, onto shelves, etc. But last night, as I looked down at my food, I heard a disturbance in my glass of milk sitting on the coffee table. I glanced up to find a nervously excited Dexter staring wide-eyed at my still upright glass of milk with his tennis ball plopped perfectly in it. My glass never teetered; the ball had gone straight in. I couldn't even be mad.

I know there's been other stuff, but I'm blank. I'm sure most of it has to do with Dexter anyway, and if I talk about him too much, it just starts to get creepy. But I love him, my constant companion. I love Joe, my pseudo companion, as well, but this trip has been the hardest so far. This is week...what is it...7 out of the last 8 that he hasn't been here. He came home just enough to get me pretty down about him leaving so soon again for this trip. Also, he hasn't had a lot of time to call me and when he does it's not always convenient for me. I get so tired of having to be the accessible one. As I've bitched before, it is maddening because I become this conundrum of a wife in that I miss Joe but get mad when he does call because I didn't get to talk to him when I wanted to. It also doesn't help that lately when he calls he's already either tired or pissed off. Yay.

But enough of that. I have a job. I have a dog. I have friends who understand. I have vacations to book. I have houses to consider buying. And now it's time to call what will hopefully be my new dentist. Happy weekend, y'all.

Ever Get Bored Walking in Your own Neighborhood?

I know I do. I walked Dex not long ago, and I was just bored as hell. Sure there was a pit bull being walked by a kid who I didn't think could hold onto the leash much longer. Sure there was the drug dealer in question checking his phone messages alone in his driveway. Sure there was the fear that my neighbor would be outside to greet me with "Hey Stranger" (my new equivalent to nails on a chalkboard) upon my return. Still, I was bored. Bah.

So Joe left again today, and I went to work. At work I found that one of the last two full time social workers in the crisis stabilization program (CSP) is resigning. Lately, I've been working in Admissions, and yes, it is easy, but it's also doable and fun. The CSP is just fucking drowning, though, and the social workers have been disgruntled for a long time. Since I'm part-time and the CSP is in desperate need, it looks like I'll be helping there a lot. I just don't want this to be a repeat of the last job where I just got the emotional/mental hell beat out of me with no supervisor caring. Further, why does it seem that so many social services jobs are so unhealthy? Often it has nothing to do with the clients, but instead a variety of office politics. I'm sure it's everywhere, but it seems rampant in social services. I want to help people, but it's not worth my sanity and happiness. Maybe I should go back to school. For now, though, the money is too good if I can just ride this out as a part-timer. After all, my Chase credit card is PAID OFF now. OH HELL YEAH!!

Moving on. We had our military ball this weekend, and it was pretty good I guess. Not a blast, but just very cool to be a part of something so few others are. However, for some reason all kinds of rules and formalities got sprung on us the day of, and I nearly had a meltdown. Stuff like having to ask the ranking officer at the table for permission to move my chair, go to the bathroom, etc. Luckily much of that bullshit didn't come to fruition, but just the fact that information could not have been relayed to the wives prior to the day of didn't impress me much. But yes, it was good. I wish I could post pics and tell you details of what speakers were there, etc, but it is forbidden. Ah well. I met some new folks, continued relationships with old folks, and made small talk the best I could. Also, I think I really pulled off the dress I wore, not to mention my hair and make up. Everything came together nicely. I was happy and felt good and cofident.

But yes, Joe is gone for another couple weeks. Hell, he doesn't even come back with a weekend to spend with me. Instead, he gets back on a damn Sunday. I don't even work that weekend!! Bah. Then the week of his return, we're set to go to Missouri. Well, sort of. He doesn't have his pass together yet. I could kill him. Anyhow. All in all, due either to work or travel, Joe and I don't get another weekend alone together until June. And he'll be gone for the last half of June. With that, I'm skipping his brother's wedding to work so that I can use my time off for a vacation together during his (Joe's) block leave. Sorry Mike. I hate to skip out on family, but Joe's my most important family. This is what's best for us. Quality time before major absences. Plus, when's the last time he and I vacationed together? 2007. Yeah. That's bullshit. And I know a lot of people wait to do honeymoons and such, but the military reason is different. We don't just not have time to vacation together; we barely have time to live together - 7 partial months out of almost two years. That said, it was interesting to hear what Mr. Lowrey (Susan and Sarah's dad) said at dinner last night (he's in town on business). You should know that Pa Lowrey's a retired colonel from the Guard who began as active duty Army. He recalled starting out being super busy in his job and watching couples around him have time to go take trips together, etc. Having him really understand our situation was awesome, as was hearing him say "Your time will come." Coming from him, I believe it.

Okay. That all got rather serious. Jethus Chriyethst. To close, let me think of something funny: Alright, it took a few seconds but I thought of something. Often, Joe and I will sing together in the car. Yesterday as we sang Weezer's "Undone," I realized that Joe always sings the high parts. In any song. "Hunger Strike," "Goodbye Horses," and it goes on. He always naturally takes the high back up parts, and I sing the lead. I think it's symbolic of our relationships, and I thought you all should know.