Happy Birthday?

Today was Joe's birthday, and it was all sorts of topsy turvy. This was Joe by the end of the day with his "birthday cake" ice cream cone from Bruster's. What a toughie. :-)

We formally celebrated last night with a sushi feast and a movie. It was great. We hadn't had sushi in a long while or any sake for that matter. Yay. Then we went and saw Date Night which was pretty good. It dragged in some places, but in all of Mark Whalberg's scenes he was topless, so no problem! That was basically all we did and then came home and hung. Before we went out I gave Joe his present - a gift set of Calvin Klein's Euphoria cologne and after shave. Smells like a dream. Big sexy.

So that was that. The plan for today was that I'd get up and fix something a little healthier than the waffle feast Joe prepared yesterday. We would hang and drink coffee and then later hit up Baskin Robbins and get a mini ice cream cake. (Yeah, I didn't bake him a cake; sue me.) It didn't go that way, though. Joe's first phone call of the day was one telling him his grandpa died earlier this morning. We knew it was coming, and Joe was glad for him to have peace. But uh. Still hard for Joe to take. We're busy making plans to get up to Missouri for the memorial service this Saturday. Everyone is doing as well as they can. In the midst of just learning that news, Lu refused to eat breakfast. There was so much going on as soon as we got up that it took a minute for me to notice that Lu was blown up like a damn doggy sausage. She had no definition in her abdomen at all. It was solid, and she was a little shaky. I called the e-vet, and they said she might have bloat, so off we went. Long story short, an x-ray revealed that Lu's stomach was in fact full of the dog food that she'd gotten into while Joe and I were still in bed. The vet said had she been a bigger dog, her stomach would have twisted and indeed bloat would have been the outcome correctable by expensive surgery. Instead, they gave her a shot to induce vomiting. $150 and some vomit later, we were able to leave with Lu and the knowledge that if given the chance, she will eat herself to death. We then swung by our local favorite doughnut shop and opted for a less healthy breakfast. Sigh.

We watched the Proposal when we got home. Then Joe drank and play video games throughout the afternoon while I freaked out about needing to get off work next weekend, board the dogs, and oops I forgot to get Joe's tags renewed. I thought I had until the end of the month (ALL THE PAPERWORK HAS BEEN READY FOR WEEKS!), but they definitely expired today on Joe's birthday. Damn it. I got everything but the tags worked out. Joe will just have to deal with that. In getting my work schedule straightened out, I asked the other hourly if she could work for me next weekend due to another death in the family, which would unfortunately have her working two weekends in a row. The first thing she said was "You know how I feel about that [working 2 in a row]." She never said anything about the loss. I figure she thinks I'm lying, as that place breeds mistrust. But seriously, I was ready to quit right there. In the end I asked a FULL TIME worker to work for me with the stipulation that she would flex out two weekdays that I will cover. The hourly was willing to work, but our schedule would be all fucked up - I would have to work the final two weekends in a row leading up to Joe going back to Ranger School. I hated to ask my full time bud, as she is already so run over there, but she actually has the ability to empathize and even told me to stop worrying and said before anything else, "I'm sorry for your loss." I'll be writing my boss an e-mail informing him of what's cooking and how much of an asset my coworker is to the hospital. If anyone accuses me of lying about another grandpa dying, I will freak out. I can feel it coming, though. Maybe not outright questions, but the suspicion will be there. God may not be giving me signs of what I should be doing, but I think these are pretty blatant signs that I need to get out of there. In the meantime, I am so thankful for the handful of people whom I can rely on and know have my back.

With that, Joe's 26th birthday is drawing to a close, and we are preparing for a crazy week. Think good thoughts for us and Joe's family. And say a few payers for my 13 year old Maxima. We did not anticipate taking the ol' gal on another Missouri run, but here we are and off we'll go...

For Better or Worse...

...I left Joe on the couch tonight. :-/ I mean he could very well find his way in here later, but I just figured...he was already asleep, snoring (which I hate), and his body heat at night seriously makes the bed like ten degrees warmer. I wake up sweating. Do I sound like an ass? Or just menopausal? I love my husband, but just about the time I get used to sleeping with him again, he leaves, and then we do this all the hell over again. So, like I said - left him on the couch.

In other news, Lu keeps crapping herself. I really can't tell if she's being a bitch or is sick. At first I thought she was sick because I came home today to find she'd crapped her cage and was laying in it - not really her bag. She couldn't help it, though, because it was EVERYWHERE. I wanted to cry. Alas, I got her outside, got her bedding in the wash, tediously removed the the giant poo-filled plastic tray from her cage and hosed it down outside, scrubbed the metal part of the cage, floor and wall. Not to mention after Joe got home, we bathed Lu outside before she could come back in. Uggh. But then without warning she dumped in my dining room tonight. TWICE. What the hell, Lu??

On my breaks from cleaning up shit, I watched a Criminal Minds marathon with Joe...until of course he fell asleep. We're real lively folks over here. I guess we had an offer to meet up with some folks, but we said nah. We were both exhausted, and at the time there was still Poop Dog (Invader Zim, anyone? Rauls?) to deal with. CURSE YOU, POOP DOG, CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow should be more...fun? I think it's supposed to storm all weekend, which kinda puts the brakes on home projects. Instead, general cleaning and sorting may be in order. I think Joe still has dirty clothes from Ranger School hidden in the guest bedroom. Gah. Speaking of Joey Walnuts, his birthday is Sunday. Little Joe will finally be 26! I bought him some cologne today, even though he asked for video games. F' that. (He got all he got all he asked for at Christmas and doesn't even have time to play them.) I sprayed every cologne they had a tester for at the PX today. By the time I was done, my nose was damn running, and I was having an allergy attack. I looked like an idiot. I know it. Oh well. The gift is bought, and tomorrow we're going out for sushi and possibly a movie. I believe at some point, I'll take him to Baskin Robbins and let him pick out an ice cream cake. Only the best for my baby....who I left on the couch. Eeeeek.

Big Papa Joe (BPJ)

Well, with my lack of blogging, you've probably realized that Joe is home. He came home last Wednesday, and it's been balls to the wall ever since. He called me when he was about five minutes from home to let me know he was on his way, despite stopping for lunch, etc. I raced out of work early that day and don't feel like I've slowed at all. It was great to see him, and of course continues to be. For the most part. A couple of his sergeants dropped him off. I passed by them on their way out of the neighborhood as I was on my way in. They let me know they left him at the house, locked out, and doing push-ups. Lord. When I pulled up, I didn't immediately see him, but then he crept out from the back yard through the side bushes in his ACU's with his big ol' BCG's on. And that was that. Except for one update: since Joe left holdover, one of the biggest shit bag RI's was canned. He tried to kick someone out for looking at him wrong. Karma, dick. Bye bye.

One of the major reasons that Joe was pulled out of Ranger School holdover was because of his grandpa. I don't think I've written too much about it, but his grandpa was actually just put on hospice. He has Alzheimer's, and after a long history of strokes, he recently had one that has made him unable to feed himself anymore. With a DNR order, it was decided that he would not want a feeding tube, and is basically...dying...slowly. It was sort of the same with my grandpa. A very peculiar way to watch someone die. Starving, dehydrating, and just waiting for organ failure. I'm going to look into a living will where I can be taken to Oregon and put down if need be. Anyway. Joe reports back to RGR School May 16 (a little earlier than originally thought), and I believe we'll be making a trip to Missouri before then. With all this nutty stuff - the Army bullshit, death, and generally being without Joe, I've realized that there was a reason for all the fucked up elements of my childhood: I would not be able to handle this stuff without the other already tucked under my belt. Thank you!?

On a lighter note, we spent the weekend doing yard beautification. We both weeded, though Joe will concede that I did more. Still, together, we hand weeded the entire front yard. That was even after I used a sprayer to kill a bunch of stuff. Now, don't think it looked all ghetto before. It did not, and I kept it mowed. It's just that it looks so much better now. Joe then used one of those cart/spreader things and dusted the yard with fertilizer and weed killer. We also bought a bunch of flowers, and I planted them. My thumb is between green and black, but I'm hopeful. I sure like to look at the flowers. Yesterday, one of our friends stopped by with his baby, and I held her and took her around and showed her all my flowers, explaining my thoughts on the display, etc. :-) Still, she liked Dexter more. Oh well.

I dunno. We've just been domestic - grocery shopping, buying a new car tire, etc. However, with the reunion always comes the adjustment. I knew it was coming and may have mentioned it last week. I don't know why it's still so hard. We looooove to see each other, but then there's some head-butting and generally not seeing eye to eye that follows. I don't know if we're just getting more used to being apart - more independent in each others absence and harder to mesh when we're together again, but it's rough. I think we're past it now for this episode, but there was a day or two that we just wanted to murder each other.

Happy Homecoming!

Poison Ivy

I should totally be asleep, as I dragged ass all day at work. Unfortunately I get my second wind in the evening. Immediately after work I power napped, but of course at 8PM I'm weeding my front yard like there's no tomorrow. What the heck.

On a continuing theme from last night, I had both pups in the front yard with me while I weeded. Neither took off, even with some significant stimuli: dude on bike who asked me if I'd seen his dog, redneck a couple houses down in front yard, kitty (a white one at that - Lu's racism was triggered), and just random cars and other folks going in and out of their houses. I left Lu's leash on and a few times I snuck up behind her and yanked her back, but overall they were both really good. Dex especially. At one point I was weeding with my back more toward the road and the houses down the street away from our cul de sac, and I felt Dex go sit right behind me. We were back to back or so. I reached behind me and petted him but kept weeding. Well, after another minute or two, I got up and turned around toward my weed pile. When I did, I saw the redneck guy down the street looking in our direction. Dex was facing him dead on and the way he positioned himself was directly between us. It could really go either way with Dex: maybe he was being protective or maybe he was being a weirdo. Whichever works for me because he does look kind of scary and is a big guy. Of course the redneck he was potentially protecting me from has at least 3 mastiffs in his backyard. Whatev.

The dogs behaving was the highlight of my day. I started retraining on the obedience after they went berserk one day while we hung out in my neighbor's yard. They were all over the place - off the chain. My neighbor, god love her, kept commenting on how they don't "mind." She was right, and I was embarrassed. No more of that shit, though. It was a great feeling when they obeyed the stay in the yard command and hung with me. PUPPIES!

Another highlight was Joe's commander calling me again saying we'd have him back by tomorrow. I was glad for the update for sure, as I'd been waiting for my phone to ring all day. I have many thoughts on Joe's return: First, this is only the 7th week since all this training stuff started, and it feels like much much MUCH longer. Maybe I'm wussing out or something. I dunno. I guess when I consider the family stuff and the lack of ability to have contact, it should feel like eternity. When he goes back, it'll suck. Ugghh. Second, I was too excited/depressed/busy finally having a visit with Joe over the weekend to get any grocery shopping done. There isn't much by the way of food here. And for the same reasons, the house isn't exactly clean. I've been tending more to the lawn or going to work or working out after work. Damn balls in the air. Third, I forgot to mention that Joe is covered in poison ivy. Yes, he was given the command to randomly lie down in the woods. So he did. Not cool. It makes things tricky. Like even hugging.

Last on my bloggo list here is a money update. After my student loan payment on the 15th goes through, my amount due will officially be out of the double digit thousands and somewhere in the $8700's. Yes, it'll be glorious, and I need to rally. I keep looking at newer vehicles for sale and sooo want to say f' it and finance one. No no no. I've worked too hard at this payoff, and I will get to July 1, and throw down on that son of a bitch for the final time. We will then save and pay for a car in cash come fall. I must see this plan through. Hmpf.

Clever Title Forgotten

Another Monday come and gone. Woohoo! Today really wasn't so bad, though. Work was alright, even if a patient told me I made him hot and that one of his crisis prevention measures is to jerk off. No problem. Unfortunately, the hospital went on diversion because we have no beds left. That means no new patients coming through Admissions where I work, so I'll be reassigned to THE unit. Bah. I could do without that. Oh well.

After work I made it to the gym and had a quick work out - elliptical then squats and lunges. I love squats. I'm still not using any weights, but I'm still feeling the burn. After the gym I came home to my PUPPIES. We played, and then I had a post work out doughnut. Oops. I then dropped Joe's car off at the mechanic. Neighbor brought me home. Then I did individual obedience lessons with the dogs because those bastards no longer listen to me. I started with Lu. She's either retarded, or I scream her name so much that it's a negative association for her. I'm trying to fix that. Dex of course aced everything until there were distractions or I left him free to roam to see if he would "stay in the yard." I had to put that 80 lbs of asshole in no less than three submissive holds (flip him on his back and put my hand on his neck like it's a mama dog's mouth biting him). Overall, I think we made progress.

Then tonight I got a phone call from Joe's commander. He did end up having his pass yesterday, which was glorious, though over way too fast. In talking with his chain of command, we knew they were likely going to try to pull him from Ranger School and then reinsert him in the next class. His commander confirmed that this will definitely be happening. Basically, instead of him sitting out there for six weeks waiting for the next class and having no passes or phone privileges, he'll wait at HOME with ME. Yeah. His commander also apologized to me for the communication breakdown regarding my grandpop's death. I of course accepted and told him I appreciated it. I'm willing to look at this as a new start and maybe I'll try to trust the company again. I do appreciate that they're bringing Joe home to me. Yes yes. I can expect him home within 48 hrs according to the cmdr. :-)

Double Dose

Can you tell that my blog may be my main source for ventilating frustration and perhaps my primary resource for holding myself together? Yes. In an effort to just keep out of the mental hospital, I've been frantically writing for what seems like weeks in only the last couple days. Luckily, though, I have insurance. That can be bittersweet, though. With insurance they may try to keep me longer than necessary for the money, and without it, I could go to the state hospital where they don't want to keep folks and be discharged quickly. Of course if for any reason I got stuck in the state hospital, it would be off the chain bad news.

But I digress.

Right now things are looking up. Except for the crane fly that I can't seem to catch and that is currently buzzing around my night stand. Might have to call Lu over to eat it. Anyway. What I'm trying to say here is that I got a call from Joe tonight. Hurried as usual, lasting 1 minute in 7 seconds, he told me that they will have a pass tomorrow from 10-4. He asked me to bring him more food, or rather the leftovers from the other day, and told me which lot to park in. And then he had to go. I'm not overly hopeful, but I know my mood has improved and that I am unable to keep some excitement from surfacing. I just hope it pans out. If nothing else, I know we'll get help Monday, but it'd be nice for Joe to be able to contact his chain of command himself tomorrow. And I have a few things I'd like to talk to him about as well. :-)

Bad to Worse

If there was a way to insert maniacal laughter right here at the start, I would.

I did end up going out to the lake with my neighbor's yesterday, which despite having to wrangle my damn dogs much of the time, was nice. It was out in the middle of no where and really pretty. Plus, my neighbor fed me booze and grilled some delicious chicken and veggies. That didn't hurt either. By the end of the night, both my dogs and the neighbor's kids were on the floor all playing and (kids) beating each other. It was a sight.

And then Joe called. Our conversation lasted 2 minutes and 28 seconds in which he told me he would not be allowed any passes or any more phone calls until after the Best Ranger competition in MID-MAY. WTH. He told me he'd been offered an admin drop to leave the course (no penalty), but declined. Only after he declined was he told of the details of his continued stay. He cannot quit just on his own, or it's considered a "lack of motivation" drop, for which he can be RFS'd (released from service) - kicked out of his unit = we move. He then told me to contact his chain of command for a recommendation. He said there was a whole group of guys getting screwed (and the group as a whole only had ten minutes to use the phone). He said they were going to try to talk to the Sgt Maj again on Monday and see if they could get the admin drop after all. In the past guys that have been recycled have always gotten passes. This is ludicrous, and they are being fucked with. There is already an investigation going on some of the Ranger Instructors for corruption and overall bad behavior, per the Army times; one RI was even allegedly taking guys off post to work on his OWN HOME. It really makes you think twice about the integrity of the entity handing out Ranger Tabs. What does the tab really mean? Maybe it just means you helped build a house. I dunno.

So last night after talking to Joe, I got in touch with both his squad and platoon leaders. They think this is crap too and that Joe should not be treated this way, as this is not the usual SOP for the Training Brigade (again, his unit is NOT a part of the RTB). His PL said he'd be taking this to the 1Sgt Monday and that 1Sgt would then take it up with the RTB. In other words, this ain't right. It was good to hear Joe's PL tell me that Joe is one of their best guys and that they will go to bat for him. He also acknowledged how the ball was dropped with me in the last few weeks, and he apologized for that. Because of that, I feel like now we might actually get a little help. It just sucks that I have no way to tell Joe about this recent development. I can imagine that he is sitting over there in a panic. I at least hope he's able to get some rest in an actual bed and eat a decent meal. At the very least, it was indicated that if nothing else works, they would work to try to pull Joe out (without penalty) due to extenuating family circumstances: this holdover + my grandfather's death + Joe's own grandfather now being hospitalized after having pneumonia and suffered another stroke on top of Alzheimers. It's just a whole damn lot. I really hope we get some help this time. I trust the two guys I spoke to, as I know them and have hung out with them before. It's just the higher ranked folks above them that worry me. Either way it's in their hands now, and unfortunately there's nothing more I can do. However, I did vow to stalk both the SL and the PL if I'm not kept in the loop. And I told them both this.

With that I'm exhausted. I don't know when I'll see Joe again, but I believe his new graduation date is sometime in July. Hopefully I'll see him before that. We shall see.

Hey Joe

Well, today is going a little differently than I thought it would. As a result, I can't seem to stop crying. I got up at 6:30 and got ready. I reheated the pizzas I picked up last night, cleaned out my car to fit two guys and all their stuff in it. I even loaded a little cooler with water and muscle milk. I then set off to the Golden Donut and got a dozen donuts, excitedly telling the staff that they were for my husband who's been doing some tough training. After that, it was off to post. With my map and verbal instructions from a friend, I managed to only make one wrong turn before coming up on Camp Rogers where the Ranger Training Brigade is. There were dudes all around in various spots. I found a little parking lot to sit in that was centrally located and began to wait. I really had no idea where I was supposed to be (because no one knows), which is unnerving when you're excited and was also mildly scared that I would be yelled at by Ranger Instructor's for one reason or another. So I called my gf who'd been out there before and was being informed where she'd parked when a creepy guy glaring my way approached my car. Recognizing the walk, I realized it was a skinny, angry Joe. The first thing he said to me was, "Hang up." Which I did without even thinking about it. I then became acutely aware that something was wrong as the next thing Joe said was "I can't see you today." By this point he had the passenger door open and stuck his head in, removing his BCGs and patrol cap. He was teary and just put his head down, looking around occasionally as he wasn't really supposed to even walk over to me. He then very quickly explained that he got "fucked on a patrol" and had been recycled - a whole chain of command on one of the patrol groups got axed for the mistake of one PL (who was the only guy in the group NOT to be recycled. Subjective as hell. Normally this wouldn't be so so terrible, but the best Ranger Competition will soon be going on out there and the next class doesn't start for another six weeks because of it. So he can either wait out there for six weeks, then redo this last three weeks and then another six weeks of the last two phases. Or he can quit. Quitting isn't really an option. So this sucks. This really fucking sucks. As he explained all this, he surveyed the car and realized I had everything he asked for, which made him more sad. But dude. The proverbial kick in the stomach knocked out any ability to cry on my part, and I just maintained that everything would be alright - no problem - and all this food would be there tomorrow (he may have a pass then) or whenever. I told him I loved him several times and that he was doing his best. I also reminded him of how subjective it was out there and that he was a-ok. He gave me a kiss. Put his crap back on and walked away.

I then put my sunglasses on, called my gf back, and commenced crying. I should have moved my car first because I think Joe may have been able to see me cry from where his group was, which I hate. Oh well. My gf, Sarah, told me to immediately come over, which I did and hung out for a while with her and her husband, drinking coffee and sorting out all the Army/Ranger Training Brigade bullshit. On the way there, though, I called Joe's SGT (with whom I am friends) and let him know what's up. I accidentally cried on the phone with him too. I don't really care. However, one of his responses was "C'mon now it's not that bad," but I don't think he realizes the issue with the Best Ranger break and how much longer we'll have to wait because of it. I was also fed up. All the stuff with my grandpa and being yanked around by the FRG, lied to by the commander, and realizing all the 'great' stuff about Joe's unit and its pledge to take care of the families is all for show. It's a fucking lie. I know what happened today was nothing to do with Joe's unit, but instead was the RTB. But after everything else WITH the unit, and then showing up today and being told it ain't gonna happen (and Joe wasn't even really supposed to walk up to my car - how would I have been told??), it's just too much. I have since called my dad crying, and even cried in front of my neighbor. I can't stop.

There was just such a sense of security before - "we take care of our own" - and it's gone. I realize now that no one is going to help you and that you must advocate for yourself. Find your own contact points for information because no one else is going to help you. I know this because in the event of a real emergency, a death in the family even, the ball is dropped. And I have tried. I really have. When we first got assigned to the unit, someone told me "Don't be one of those wives who doesn't try to get involved at all and just bitches about everything." With that, I made an effort to be involved. I became a key caller, attended FRG meeting, as well as other random stuff EVEN WHEN JOE IS GONE. And this is still what happens. I'm done. I'm not doing anything else that isn't 100% mandatory. I already feel helpless enough of the time in the Army, but being given false hope and made to feel that you're a part of something you're really not, there just aren't words.

Obviously, I am upset. I am sad. And I do not know what to do with myself. I want to run away and be done with all this. But I want Joe to go with me. That ain't happening. So I need to figure out how to stop crying and get out of here. My neighbor TOLD me I'm coming out to their lake house with them today. They already headed out, but before leaving, she told me she was counting on me and that I can't stay here and be sad. She's right. I'm also kind of afraid of her - tough petite southern women are the fiercest, so I think I may go. She invited the dogs too, and it's only thirty minutes away.

Hopefully, I will hear from Joe at some point this evening. He said that if I haven't heard from him by 9AM tomorrow to just head back out there. Isn't that great? I love driving around aimlessly in the woods hoping my husband will be released on some shitbag RI's whim. Fucking assholes.

Weenies.

Uuuuuggggghhhhh. I'm laying in my sweats and robe on my bed watching SVU. I hurt. I always do after mowing the lawn. Today was worse though. It's been the first time I've mowed since the pollen drop, and we haven't had any rain since it began. Everything is yellow and green, and that remained true for the dust and all that I kicked up with the mower. I've since showered, used my Neil Med nasal rinse and allergy eye drops. No sinus infections, please.

So tomorrow is my "Friday." Just gotta make it through the work day. After work I plan to workout and then food wrangle. Yes, I got a letter from Joe yesterday with all kinds of food requests for his pass on Friday. I have to go buy a ton of cookies and pastries apparently, and I still don't know what chocodiles are. I also need to buy two large pizzas for Joe and his friend that I'm supposed to have in the car with me when I pick them up Friday morning. I plan to bring muscle milk and donuts as well. Most of you know and this isn't breaking op-sec, but Joe's at Ranger School. This is the last week of Benning Phase (first phase), and I won't know if he's passed or not until I see him Friday. What I do know, per his letter, is that he's getting a max of 2 hours of sleep a night and is starving. He wrote that he's beginning to hallucinate. Oh my poor baby Joe. I'll have to nurse him back to health as best I can on Friday. I guess there won't be much quality time, as Joe likely will be narcoleptic. Bittersweet. I'm just looking forward to hearing his voice. It's been almost three weeks since I have.

And so over the course of the next several weeks, please, PLEASE think good thoughts and/or pray for Joey. He's going through hell and needs all the good stuff he can get. :-) I'm so proud of him!

Liberation

I should already be asleep, but there are just a few things to get out of my head and down on...the screen?

First, I was watching Little People Big World tonight, and the boys were in Europe for their graduation trip. I was totally thinking about Joe and me going one day, and how it feels good to know we can travel and wait on babies!! I was actually grinning while I watched the damn show. I can't wait to go with him. Especially in France. How hot will it be to listen to him speak French and lead me around the country?! I know I've written about that before, but it's as if it's new again, since we were considering squashing the whole thing for a while. I guess I should tell Joe that I'm not planning to give him any kids for another four years. Mwa ha ha ha.

Second, work was decent today. I got to have a session with a patient and actually feel I may have "helped" her. WTFTTYLBBQHBIC.

Third, I sent my "resignation e-mail" to my FRG Advisor/Leader to QUIT being a key caller. I've put myself out there, participated, contributed, and boy am I DONE. Well, as soon as they can replace me. But hell yeah the word is out.

Fourth, I just got done e-mailing a workout guru friend of my sister's, and he's going to help me get a solid regimen down based on my goals, equipment, and time available. Hopefully Joe doesn't mind me e-mailing some dude and telling him my butt is my top priority. :-) It's the truth.

Mama Said, Mama Said

Yes, Mama did say there'd be days like this, but today my mama told me a few other things as well. Triggered after my trip to Home Depot where I was told my strip/re-stain job was probably not going to work, the tears finally came. I then proceeded to half sob on the phone to my mother while I drove through town to check my out-of-town friend's mail. We covered a lot of ground between me not always wanting to take on difficult home projects by myself and the underlying issue of Joe being gone a lot, as well as legitimizing a marriage that frequently misses out on normal milestones...with children. She basically told me what I already know, have already been told, but definitely needed to hear again: this will all be okay. She reminded me that I'm young, and Joe's contract is only for a couple more years, after which we will be set up quite well for post-Army life together. As for the kids, what I blubbered on to her about was feeling like we should have them soon and wanting one, but feeling like we'll never get to travel afterward. Also, I told her a dirty little secret - that there are some couples that I want to have kids before. Don't judge - if you're a chick then you've felt this way. It's ridiculous and not a reason to have kids, no, but just a little extra charge. And in other ways, I feel like it would legitimize our marriage. You know we had a very small wedding with the intent of having a big party later (which will never happen). There was no honeymoon as everyone knows too well. And we missed out in the processes of both of these. In some ways, selfishly, I feel like we weren't as celebrated, ya know? The forgotten marriage. Like we're the hand-me-down couple that's missed a lot of milestones and therefore are not legit in couplehood. But if we had a kid then we would be? Yessss, then we'd finally be the real deal and people would ooh and ahh just as if we'd had a "real" engagement and a "real" wedding. Delusions, I know. To all that Mom said (with about 25% empathy and 75% no-nonsense reality orientation), "Look, I know you have no idea because you've never had kids, BUT YOUR WHOLE WORLD CHANGES." She reminded me that she was almost 29 when she had me, and 32 when she had Arielle. She told me she was more relaxed in her 30's and that I have plenty of time for kids and can do some other stuff first. Basically, she told me it wasn't worth stressing over and trying to "beat" other people out at having babies was as ridiculous as I know it to be. She also reminded me of the ways in which we are a great couple. I dunno. Just what she said and how she said it made me feel much better. I know I'll probably regress and get pissed about shit again, but for now I feel like I don't need to rush anything and that maybe, just maybe, one day Joe and I will be a real couple. :-) IIIIIIII've got no strings. To hold me down.....

As far as future stuff, I've also been stressed about my job. But I feel better about that too. I know what I need to do. I just wonder after the time is right and I finally do quit, what I'll do to have some balance. A stay at home Katie can be as depressing as social worker of shit bags. Hmmm. But I at least know I need to make healthier choices about my future jobs, and by healthier I mean a better fit for me. I feel good about admitting this. Social work is not something I can stay in happily. I will have to move on. And maybe I'll never have a career. Joe can have that. But I would like to find something I'm passionate about and some way to contribute something positive and worthwhile to this world. Oh what shall it be?

Another Night

In the last few days I've developed some sick obsession with Layne Staley, former (deceased) lead singer for Alice in Chains. It started with just watching a few of their videos on youtube, especially the 1996 unplugged show. It was one of the last shows all together, and Layne, though very sick did not die until 2002. Man, I just can't imagine heroin. Even my idiot crack head patients don't come in positive for heroin - other opiates, sure - fucking around with prescription pills they got from whatever. But not heroin. I'm not sure why I keep trying to read about this guy or his life; I guess it's a curiosity I have with the human condition. It's probably why I went in to social work. The strange coincidence is that the eighth anniversary of his death is in two days, and here I am wanting to learn about him. He does have quite a following even still, and one of the best comments I saw posted was "God, we'll give you Justin Bieber if you give us back Layne Staley." Hahahaha.

That aside, I got shit (nothing) done today. I went to work. Realized I'd forgotten my work keys and couldn't get into any buildings. So I went home and then came back. Worked for about an hour sorting through assessments. Realized everything was pretty well done and came home. At home I attempted to strip a piece of furniture but to no avail. The damn "pickling" technique my mother did to it more than 20 years ago is a real bitch to undo. Tomorrow I'm doing to go buy some acetone and kill the rest of my brain cells. I'm pretty sure I got buzzed off the shit today, and I did not like it. All I could think about was the patients I've had who huff and how horrible for them they are addicted to shit like that. Gross.

Still I wonder if the fumes didn't make me a little nutty otherwise too. For the rest of the day I kind of just hung out on my back patio and thought about life, that is after wiping an ass of pollen off my patio chair. At various points I talked to the pups, talked to my mom, and talking to no one came close to tears. Sometimes I just wonder if Joe and I will ever have any real time together. I think about the things I'd like to do and want to plan to do, and I can't do any of it. Like I said, the fumes got to me, as well as having only gotten the one letter and no calls in a two week time frame. Fuck man. It's hard. I'm tough, but I have limits too. This wraps up the fifth week of training....only seven more to go. Damn.

I know a lot of my posts are "slit your wrist" writings, so I apologize. Good things did happen to me today: talking with my mom was good and then later I talked to Joe's mom and that was really good too. The thing that probably pulled my head back above water (other than the ice cream I treated myself to after word vomiting to the female sandwich artist at Subway that I was alone on a Saturday night and had talked myself out of wings (wtf?)) was getting a text that read this: "Imagine motorcycle riding plus bee in Gene's jacket."

Yessssssssss.

Big Kate

Today was Friday, but it was actually my whole weekend combined. I have to damn work this weekend, which is of course part of what I was hired for, but still I'm not much of a fan. However, the hospital is full, and we are currently not accepting new patients, so I'll primarily be doing assessments and just be on call. Wooohoo.

But back today. There was a big damn thing I was supposed to get done today that I totally forgot about and that was to take a bunch of my dress pants to the tailor. I needed to get some hemmed higher, some re-hemmed in genearl, and some others the hem let out a bit. But I forgot. Shit. Instead, I went to Express to look for new jeans. They had jack, so then I drove all the way to post to pick up a Rx, came back to town and went to the gym, and then beat it home to pick up Dex for his bordatella appt at the vet (his official wt with teeny bit more room for meat is 77.7 lbs). I definitely had enough going on and really wanted to make sure I got to the gym. It took me a long time to pull my head back out of my ass and get going, and I'm so glad I finally have. I'm feeling good at the gym and trying to push to get back to where I was. Muscle memory appears to be kicking in, which is marvelous. Also, when I know I'm going to work out, I don't eat a bunch of crap because I know it'll mess me up. Afterward, I'm usually inspired to continue eating good stuff as well. Today was no exception. Well, for the most part.

See, I grilled which was a bit of a milestone and to keep up with the style o' grilling, I had a beer. But it was a Michelob Ultra. Yeah. As for the food, I grilled some chicken and broccoli and had a steamer bag of corn. Very good. I grilled the chicken on our gas grill on low and basted it with a vinegar based marinate with each of the several turns I gave it. For the broccoli, since I don't have an actual grill plate, I took a pie pan and stabbed a bunch of holes in it and put the broccoli on it and the pie pan on the grill. It's good that way (just don't do too much olive oil like I did). The whole meal was delicious, and I have leftover chicken to get me through the weekend. I gotta take a minute here to thank my brother in law, Genie Beanie, (Ari's husband) for staying on the phone with me giving me instructions on how to light the girl without catching fire. It has to be lit manually since Dex chewed the ignition wires when he was a puppy, and since then I've said no way. Plus, Joe always comes in saying he burned all his knuckle hair off because he had to turn it up higher to light. Well, Gene told me exactly what to do to not lose any body hair, and I thank him. And yes, Gene, I did turn the propane tank off when I was finished and let the last bit burn off before I turned the eyes off. Now that I can grill, the sky's the limit.

Yes, today was a good day. I even consumed my 64 oz of water today. Oh heck yeah.