You Got Another Thing Coming

So last night I sat crunching numbers and exploring new(er) vehicle options to replace our (2) 13 year old Jap cars and was planning according to all these different things. With the completion of Ranger School will come a likely promotion for Joe, and of course after July, there will be no $3000/mo student loan payment. That time will then be such to save for cars and consider our family dynamic a bit more: Joe constantly here and then gone as quickly, as everyone in this world knows by my screaming it regularly. The stressful nature of my job combined with trying to make sure I'm available when Joe is home lends itself to strongly considering that I sacrifice (ha) my employment to maximize the time we get to spend together. No date is set, and I certainly would not announce anything here without first giving notice to my employer. But still, you get the picture.

Today, though, I realized some things at work that may warrant a more speedy exit. I can't say a whole lot here, but it looks like a fork in the road ahead with one path leading to unemployment and soon. This would be a fantastic time to talk to Joe and hear his reassurance. (I mean, I know it's there, but sometimes you gotta hear it again.) I really don't think he'd like what's beginning to unfold, and I think he would tell me to get out of there. With that, I believe I can make the decision best for us if forced to do so by myself, as I'm not in the business of selling my sanity for a paycheck just yet. So maybe just one newer car for now. :-)

Joe Bot

My dad (who I'm never supposed to mention in my blog EVER) e-mailed me earlier with congratulations on Joe passing and asked if I'd come down off the ceiling yet. It's a good question. See, I went to work today untouchable. And by god, I must have willed it that way because Admissions (where I work on the weekends) had NO patients ALL DAY. Of course I had to go to the unit and work on an assessment for someone who had gotten chased away by this patient in question the previous day. But I had no problems. Well, except that she was delusional about another patient being her daughter and stealing her glasses, as well as that she wanted to put "2010" in pink crayon on all my paperwork. Still, I didn't get chased or hit or even swung at, which is an added bonus with my tetanus arm. (When does this awesome dull ache finally end?) Yay.

I did come down a bit from my Joe high earlier when I looked at how disgusting my house was and realized I may have family coming in for Joe's graduation in a few weeks. The house looked like I was slowly giving up, so I spent several hours reversing that. Cleaning aside, since all the family have now been here and have seen where I am in the "move-in" process, I need to hang some stuff on the walls. I don't want them to think I've gotten complacent in my decorating (though I have) and just quit (thought I did). We'll see how much I get done, especially on a tight budget. Man, the student loans stop here. July is it. I'll take that over knick knacks and wall crap. However, I really honestly think I'm going to hang portraits of the dogs. You know a little artsy joke. It's gonna be badass.

Where I come off the ground and start to float again is when I think of my conversation with Joe. We got to talk for 40 minutes (holy shit) because they were supposed to be in bed and no one else was at the phones. He said he'd fallen asleep and no one had woken him up to tell him the phones were open, so by god he got a buddy and went after hours. Made me damn nervous, but I guess it was okay. He told me about all his ailments and injuries, as well as his narcolepsy - falling down while rucking because he fell asleep mid-march. Also, he said a lot of the guys had been hallucinating about food, but he'd seen one guy dancing with a tree. Food I understand because you're hungry and you miss it, but dancing? Ahh. I told him about my bipolar tendencies - loving him and missing him and then hating him and cussing him while I mowed the lawn. The boy never missed a beat and immediately said that he couldn't wait to get home to mow the lawn, and he even told me that what I'm doing (me, not him) is so hard. I told him the same about his stuff. I also apologized for threatening to put my foot in his ass in one of the letters, to which he snickered. It just made me so happy that this guy knows it's tough for me too and though battered and exhausted, could still empathize with his wife. He also said I was the best wife ever RE my two care packages. I apparently crushed the other wives. Yeah, Joey and I are pretty much meant to be together. I take care of him, and he takes my shit. :-)

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

It's 11:40pm, and I still haven't heard from Joe. It could be later tonight or tomorrow or tomorrow night. Hmm. Maybe it's a good thing I'm working this weekend - forced distraction. I couldn't get anything done around here today. However, I did manage to get to post for an updated tetanus shot. Son of a bitch; my arm is sore. Apparently this is normal. Do not want. I think I may have had some kind of spider bite this past week - swelling, red ring, dark purple center, but it went away without rotting my calf off. However, a nurse educated me on how one can get tetanus from various bites, etc, and since my last shot was in 1998, I was a couple years overdue. Now I'm all squared away and can reflect on the fact that the pain from the shot is worse than the bite I had. Excellent. Have I ever told y'all that my grandma was a nurse for Jonas Salk - he invented the polio vaccine. Fun fact.

So anyway. The 782nd episode I've watched of Criminal Minds today is almost over. Just can't get enough. Great show. Sometimes a little spooky for home alone, so I cuddle the pups. -PAUSE-

Just got the call from Joe. He passed. :-) On to Florida.

Lawn Mowing Day

Ah, it is this fateful day I come to every week. You all know my aversion to mowing on an emotional level, and on a practical level I hate it as well because the yard waste pick up is on Friday. So, if I (like most people) mow my grass on the weekend when I have more time, I have to house the clippings all freakin' week to Friday. With that, I usually mow during the week after work, which blows, and that is what I did today.

I was anticipating the usual sulking around as I pitifully push the mower, get covered in grass clippings and dust from emptying out the bag, turn red and have sweat pour in my eyes. All of that did happen, and my clippings trash can even started to tip over down a hill, as did the second one I had to start using because I have so much grass. Yes, at that point, I did break out into unsavory language and threw a pair of work gloves across the front yard. BUT, I never really sulked.

There was a point when I tried to pout when America's "Lonely People" started playing on my ipod. But just as I started down that thought path, something shot into my mouth as I inhaled. I don't know if it was something the mower kicked up or a bug randomly breezing by, but I immediately started spitting and gagging, so I never really saw what it was. That's when I realized that the universe was telling me not to be such a little bitch, so I hiked up my big girl shorts and got the yard done without thinking terrible thoughts about Joe. Progress.

Here I am now, before midnight on the eve of my day off already in bed. Yay! When I got out of the shower post-mowing, both dogs were already cashed, so that has been lovely. No second wind for them. Double yay! After I wrap this up I'm going to read until I fall asleep. That should help with the anxiety, as I'm expecting to hear from Joe tomorrow or Saturday or now on whether he passed or not. I'm going from not giving a shit or really knowing where my phone is to having it with me at all times and obsessively checking it. Even pulled a deployment move and tonight showered with it just outside the shower door in case I needed to pop out and answer it. :-) Right now, though, I feel alright about everything. I may not feel that way tomorrow. But right now, I am okay.

Short Circuiting

Damn it. The dogs were caged for almost ten hours today, which is no bueno. While they were accident free (I snuck home at lunch to let them pee), they amassed much energy without an outlet. Well, except for Dexter tossing stuff around the living room and tearing up some paper while I was gone. But anyway. Now we're trying to go to bed. I'm exhausted, and they're wide awake. Hell, Dex even just hopped up on the bed. Maybe he's willing to sleep if it's near me. Of course I pushed him off. He popped up here earlier, and I let him lay for a minute, which is probably why he's now confused. (Our bed is off limits.) That was after he came up on his back legs on my side, which since he's fairly leggy, was the equivalent of just him leaning on the bed. He put his front paws on me, though, while I lay here, and essentially pinned me down and licked me. I have to admit; it made me laugh and appreciate him. I think he misses me when I'm gone. Lu, though, not so much. I gave them each a hoof tonight, and she didn't give a damn about me after that.

Work wasn't bad today. Just some long training, and then I helped in Admissions for an hour afterward. Got home around 7pm and was nearly having a breakdown. A couple letters came from Joe today, which was cool at first. It's been a minute since I got any from him, but of course there wasn't any real good news from him. He didn't pass patrol on his first field training exercise, so he must pass it in the second FTX in order to pass Mountains. The second one is happening as we speak, so please will the hearts of the RIs to grow like the grinch's and allow those who have earned it to actually pass. My stomach was in knots earlier, but if you play enough tetris, you can replace obsessive thoughts about the Army with obsessive thoughts about shapes fitting together.

So here I am. Joe's tentative graduation is July 16, but if he doesn't pass Mountains, it will be moved to August 27. A whole extra 6 weeks, and that wouldn't even include if he recycled in Florida phase. Then, it'd be Sept. 24. Yeah, I'll go ahead and try to schedule a breakdown. Ya know - so I can go ahead and get it over with since it's imminent.

The Gloom and Doom Hath Passed

For now at least. Gosh, the feeling of my last blog stuck with me a few days. I thought I would wake up Saturday feeling refreshed with being off work, but not so. It took a minute for that to pass, which is good that it finally did, but not great that it's harder to shake now than usual. Situational depression? Blows.

Work was better today. We're getting used to the new doctor and realizing she is a pretty damn good leader. Also, there was very little drama today. Staff moved like a well-oiled machine...well, as much as we all can. We did have a Code Yellow (Code Stress) when a dude came in on an affidavit. But he's a well known consumer, and we anticipated him fighting as soon as he got in. Of course since he was actually fighting with the deputy that brought him in, we had some pretty good signs of what was to come. So, a bunch of big dudes on campus came, doctor ordered a PRN IM, and ol' boy got a fine injection to help him de-escalate. No staff got hurt. No patients got hurt - perhaps damn scared (hello scared straight!) but not hurt. Good day.

Shoot, I even came home to food to eat thanks to my mom. I thawed the rest of the soup she made when she was here. I was supposed to save it for Joe, but after sending a second care package, I don't feel so bad. After it cooled a bit (ha), I took the dogs for a walk, watered the plants, played a little ball with Dex, picked up the backyard, did my evening stuff to prep for tomorrow and got my ass in bed, which is where I am now.

And so, I have to be at work an hour earlier tomorrow (8AM) for training, which I'll have for the next three days, minimizing my actual patient contact for the rest of the week. Woot. This also wraps up Joe's (hopefully) final week in Mountains. Still haven't heard anything about his first FTX, so I hope he passed that and is passing currently. The only thing I really need to worry about right now is if the massive bug bite on the back of my left calf (sustained yesterday while intermittently changing Joe's car battery and getting chased by a hornet) continues to blow up. I know it wasn't the hornet that got me, but I don't know what the hell did. It's big, red and hot right now. I guess if it starts rotting I'll hit the urgent care clinic.

I hope you all are having a great week and thanks for thinking good thoughts for me (and Joe)!! xoxox

Crazy as Cat Shit

Holy mother fucking shit. Work was off the chain today. We had about a billion patients roll through admissions, and in no particular order, these are some of the issues that were dealt with today (other than the usual homelessness, suicidal ideation, and addiction): one person pissing themselves, another person twice pissing themselves, AIDS, spitting, a blind patient running out of toilet paper while on the can (guess who got them more), anal sex - someone only being able to put it in for a minute or two but not to climax due to their selfish partner, some douche malingering inmate deserter screaming they've been to Iraq and they've seen war...and of course they're in jail for assaulting a family member, being yelled/cussed at to get someone's clothes out of the dryer, being called a "little fat" based on a blind person's analysis of my arm, and a 20 year old debating with me that he was actually 17 four years ago, not three, though when asked what 20-17 was he smirked and didn't respond. And there was much more - coworker drama, paperwork paperwork paperwork, family members of patients, and of course having to call housekeeping to clean up urine three times in one day. FUCK.

I told the clinical director that this isn't what I want to do with my life. And it's not. And if he tells my boss, that's fine. I'll tell him myself soon enough. There are a ton of problems in this world, and no doubt someone needs to be there to help herd these people, but I'm not the gal. On the way home, Joe Walsh's "Life of Illusion" was playing on the radio, and it was oh so fitting. Google the lyrics. Today was a "right between the eyes" kind of day. In fact, when I got home, I had to go ahead and cry for a minute to get past the day's bullshit.

And of course it's Friday night, and I'm here alone. Part of me wishes I was doing something. After all there are people to call and folks who actually do want to get together. But, I know I'm exhausted, and I know after being locked up for 9 straight hours, the dogs would be irked if I locked them up again. Really, I just wish Joe was here,\ so I could talk to him about my job, my day, my need to quit, and we could actually discuss our future, specifically MY part in it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a contestant on the Joe Show. It'd be nice if he could be here for me.

Alas, my husband is not here, and in fact my only family here are my two dogs. I did a little youtube karaoke with them earlier and sang a few Beatles tunes. Lu was particularly interested and stared at me intently while I sang "Hide Your Love Away." God, I'm such a loser. Is this really my life?

Drunk or Tired?

Yeah, dudes, I've been blogging when I'm passing out, so some of what I've written lately doesn't make sense or has the wrong word. Oops. My bad. Still, tonight is no exception.

Work was work. A tad stressful. There is a new doctor, and we're all getting used to each other. I just want to get through tomorrow and have my weekend. Joe has written me another letter requesting more food. Dick. So I guess there will be a care package part deux. Who knows if it will make it there in time, but I'll sure try. Also on the docket for this weekend is changing out his car battery. God, I'm a lot of fun. I might go see a friend or something for a hair trim since she's in school for cosmetology. Or, I may just lay motionless on the ground while Lu bites my hair and Dexter stands over me. Whichever. Both sound fine.

Today was mowing day. I only did the backyard. Fuck it. To do the front I have to move Joe's car. Which means I have to jump it with my car and then move it and let it run, blah blah blah. Also, I didn't feel like mowing the damn front. Lawn mowing days are the worst. It's the day all my emotions about being along are represented in a very physical way - dirty, sweaty pain. It's a reminder that I do everything, and there is no one really to help me. I get so mad at Joe when I push the mower. I always write about this, and for at least the remainder of his Army career, I will continue to desire being taken care of instead of doing it all. I'm bipolar about this separation; I know. Sometimes I'm high off of a letter or pride and sometimes I want to beat the hell out of him because I'm mowing the lawn (again) or dealing with the air conditioner or changing the ceiling vents around so they face the opposite direction. Do you know how hard it is to take ceiling vents out and then reinstall them with only two arms and gravity working against you? It's ridiculous. But then I read about how stressed Joe is and how hard he's working and how much he loves me (yay)...only to wake up the following morning to find Lu has puked in the living room (again) and fulling knowing that it will be me and only me who cleans it up. Can a girl get some seroquel up in here???

Kidding. But on a serious, yet brighter note, my sister was accepted into dental school today. She's worked so hard and was just recently awarded her bachelor's in biology (hello tough stuff). The hard work has now gotten her to the next level, and I couldn't be more proud. She has stuck to her plan - get the hell out of Rolla and make something of herself. One of us will amount to something yet! I just hope she'll allow me to be her office manager one day (I scrapped being a hygienist, Ari - better at organizing). :-)

What Day Is It?

You know I have these random days off, which makes it hard for me to keep track of what day it actually is. It also makes it difficult to see if patients are oriented to date when I have no idea. Lately they've been right, and I have to discretely glass at the calendar on my left to see for myself. Shit.

I know I was off yesterday, and I am aware that it was Monday. Care package prep day. I thoroughly enjoyed putting Joe's box together, and somehow I made it last most of the day. I packed the shit out of that box. I super wrapped everything and put in a ton of cushioning. I guess even if it was smashed he wouldn't bat an eye, but I wouldn't it to look nice. Mail is my only form of communication, so by golly I want it to count. Between the store bought food, the homemade cookies I baked fresh yesterday morning, the hygiene/field necessities, and newspaper clippings with some current events, he should feel pretty good about himself. Of course I put in a nice card too. Hell, after I got a letter from him that was partially in french with the translation with a really REALLY awesome translation about me having his heart and having had it for a long time, etc, etc, I figure a massive box full of goodies is well-deserved. Yesterday he started a five day FTX and then he'll return for a day before going out on another five day FTX. As he said, this is where they start getting "go's." Which means these are the big tests to pass Mountains. Think good thoughts for him. And me!!

And so I have three work days left this week. Today was long. I spent most of my day with an addict who tried like hell to get himself admitted. It was rough. Everything else went smoothly, though, even if I had an 8.5 hour day. I'm an hourly bitch, so I'm only slated for 7 hrs a day. :-) The long day ended on a funny note with me and the other SSP outside trying to get a dead golf car back to its parking spot, this after a clothing hunt on campus for a patient that we were trying to discharge after his clothes somehow disappeared after they were washed. (All he had on was a blue paper hospital jump suit and underwear.) And so there I was sitting and steering, kicking off with one leg outside of the cart, while the other gal pushed and yelled at me as I laughed. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha. Best part of the day.

No, Ma'am, I'm Not Going Home to Binge and Purge

So that's the stuff for Joe's care package. I spent a long time at Wal-Mart looking for goodies and supplies he may need. Since it was too warm tonight, I'm going to bake him some snickers bars cookies in the morning. Basically you make a peanut butter dough and wrap it around a bite size snickers and bake. My sister says they're delicious, and I think Joe will completely agree. Plus, how can I mess that up? I still may try to get him some more batteries and some laundry detergent. I heard some of the other wives (in the pass parking lot) talking about some kind of all in one detergent/fabric softener that comes in little packets, bu I have no idea where they said they were sold. Hmm. Also, Joe asked for Tasty Kakes, which Walmart didn't have. We'll. As it stands now, this is going to be one big ass box full of stuff. Mailing it's going to cost a fortune. But hell, so did buying all the stuff.

And damn the grocery stores where I'm always buying stuff. I'm always getting nasty looks. If someone is in MY way, I get a nasty look. If I'm in theirs and apologize, I still get a nasty look. Sons of bitches. I was in an aisle and left my cart in someone's way for a second or two before I realized it and immediately moved it while apologizing a couple times. Bitch never responded. Just gave me a smug look and pushed her cart past with her small daughter. Then her gangster wanna be cracker boyfriend/husband came along behind her and gave me a smug look too. DAMN. So after I went irate in my head for a few minutes, the chick passed by me again, and I noticed that she had stuffed her fat ass into a pair of tight-ish white stretch shorts. For the life of me, I'll never understand why people do that, but I realized at that moment I was the victor.

Tomorrow I'm OFF. Woohoo. After that, I actually only work four more days until my weekend. I apparently couldn't count earlier. I'm so excited to be able to get up and drink coffee and lounge for a minute before I bake and ship Joe's stuff off. And then when it becomes hot as hell, the pups and I will nap and cuddle together inside. YAY.

Tinkle Dinkle

I don't even know if I feel like writing, but I kind of know I should. Spending all day at the mental hospital and then coming home to dogs and no humans with whom to de-brief, I probably need a regular outlet like this. Work wasn't actually a big deal today. Discharged two folks and admitted one to brief observation who I'll likely discharge tomorrow - already have a discharge plan and placement, which is good. It was nice to be able to take time to talk to the patients and learn more about them than just "need to know." Those are the days I enjoy - actually making that connection. Who knows what happens when they leave, though. As I wrap up my social work stint, I wonder who I've helped. The only people I ever see are the ones that come back. Except for two: One I saw at the PX looking psychotic and skipping through the store (I thought I was safe on post - wrong). And the other I saw on the news after being arrested for stealing copper. Douche. Oh well. Haven't seen any in the local obits, and I check regularly, so that's a good thing.

Tomorrow is my last of six days in a row, and my day will start with a fast-paced doc, which is good. I don't have to hold his damn hand and tell him what to do. At some point, I will have to go up to the unit to work on an assessment for a male patient. That'd be fine, but having to go on the male side means subjecting myself to an infamous patient that just returned this past week. He really should not have come back because the last time he was there, he severely assaulted a nurse. Just out of the blue without provocation beat her in the face. She said she didn't know what happened, and the next minute she was on the ground and someone was pulling her to safety. Fucking scary. If that shit goes down with me, I'm pressing charges - termination be damned. And Joe. Joe.would.go.fucking.crazy. Although, it is a fantasy of mine to imagine Joe and some of his unit buddies storming my boss's office in ACUs (and maybe full kit?). Or maybe parachuting or fast-roping down on top of the buildings. Ahh, signs that you should quit your job...

Speaking of Joe, he can have a care package at the end of Mountains Phase, so I'm planning to mail one out on Monday. They're given one hour on their last day in the phase to eat everything in their care packages, and in addition to what he's already requested, I'm looking to put together a pretty rocking box of goodies. I plan to go by the grocery store after work tomorrow and then do some baking in the evening, which with a high of 96 degrees might not be the best idea. The house is still cooling down from today - heat index was 98 when I checked after getting home. The AC already can't keep up. Not good. So anyway. Joe already told me he'd build me a house of diamonds for bringing him goodies to his Darby pass. Maybe he'll be so delusional that he'll actually plan to take me on a honeymoon if my care package is off the chain. Bu dump CHING. Ah, Joey. He got switched companies at the start of Mountains, though I'm not sure why. I happened to respond to that letter after a few beers and the Flyers losing the Stanley cup. So, I may have sent my husband, starving and hallucinating in Ranger School, a letter that said I was going to put my foot in my ass. Oops. But if he screwed up and got kicked out of the old company by his own doing, then I'll stand by what I wrote. HOOAH THAT, Joe Bot.

Stupid Work

I could not get positive about going back to work today. Yesterday, I had ideas about how to look at it differently, but they completely escaped me today. My lack of motivation (or LOM as they say in Ranger School) translated into me being fifteen minutes late and generally pissed off about being there all together. Then, as I walked up to the building one of the docs wheeled by in a golf cart telling me "Don't go in there. It's a mess. Go back to your car and go home." I told him that I fight the urge to everyday. But still I went in. It was a mess because the hospital is full and all other state psych hospitals are full, and we're having to pay a private hospital a shit ton of money to take our patients. Of course no one can nail down an SOP for this, so that's where the mess comes from. Whatever. Made it through. But not before this crazy bitch that works there basically told me that she didn't trust me because I am "playing games." Or something like that. Um. What really irks me about that is the very reason why I shouldn't even be bothered by this accusation and that is: I don't play games at work. I don't have time for them. And moreover, I do.not.care. My husband and everything here at home is my priority. I could give two shits about anyone's business there. I honestly do not care what people do as long as it doesn't cause me any problems. I go to work, keep my head down, do my job, and go home. Crazy delusional bitch is one of the most hated people at work, AND as is usually the case, she is the one always gossiping and gettin' in folks' business. I tell ya; I went over a year at this place staying away from drama. Why now? But trying to reason with someone who is delusional is about as useful as banging your head into the wall. So I just smiled and thought of her as a patient instead of a coworker. And THAT pretty much sums up my feelings about my place of work: my coworkers act like the damn patients. Usually worse.

So forget that place. After work I came home and assed around for a bit. I tried not to go totally slug and instead played with the pups out back before going for a walk/jog withOUT them. I went for about 30 minutes and worked up a good sweat. Felt great, even did some squats, adjusted push-ups, and a few sit-ups afterward. I'm trying to stay on this thing. Plus, I really do want to look hot for Joe at his graduation. More than looking it, I want to feel it. Eating better is helping. This is what I had today: For breakfast, I had my homemade muesli with strawberries, blueberries, and ground almonds on top. I had 1% milk to drink and coffee with a little 1/2&1/2 and 1% milk mixed in, as well as 1/2-1 tsp sugar. For lunch, I had a turkey and provolone (mad with 2% milk) sandwich on whole wheat with miracle whip and romaine lettuce. I also had an apple with peanut butter, a vanilla activia light, and a bite sized hershey's bar with some pretzel sticks. I drank only water throughout the day at work. As soon as I got home, I ate 3 oreos with some 1% milk. Then I had some more water. For dinner, I had a homemade burger on a whole wheat bun with tomato, romaine lettuce, ketchup, mustard, and a little mayo. I had a pickle on the side. Afterward, I had 3/4-1 C fresh sweet cherries. I think I had some more milk at dinner too. Last, I had a chocolate chip toffee oatmeal cookie with, yep, some more milk. But not a full glass each time. My total water intake for the day was only 32 oz. I need to double that. Anyhow. I can't give up sweets. I just can't. And I've cut back on the milk to being just enough to drink with whatever I'm eating. All and all my choices were decent. C'mon, hotness. Now if only I can get up and walk with the dogs tomorrow before work. Huh.

Holes in My Underpants

Thanks to Lu I'm having to deal with having some of my new underwear chewed ON TOP OF the Flyers douching out to the Blackhawks. That most productive thing I've done here all day was get myself ready for the Flyers' game. I became disenchanted in just the first period when they were down 0-3. Now they're down 2-5 at intermission before the third period. This happens anytime I watch one of my Philadelphia teams intently (Dad's from PA) - they suck. Except for the Phillies. Because I don't watch them. Because I don't really care about baseball.

I got an e-mail from my dad earlier that said I'd better be planning to watch the game tonight. Curiously, it also said that Joe and the Flyers have a lot in common. I'm not sure what similarities he was speaking of, but I can imagine something along the lines of comebacks late in the game, mental and physical exhaustion, as well as both sometimes being targets of my homicidal ideation. Also in common is the fact that my dad loves them. He informed me in the e-mail that a Flyers jersey should be arriving for Joe this week as an early graduation gift. This is serious. I know they have their nerd books in common, but if Dad is now outfitting Joe in Flyers' gear, it's love. Pure and simple. Man love. Of course I still have my Roenick jersey, so we will have to go up to ATL and watch the Flyers kick the shit out of the Thrashers next season.

So anyway. Other than walk the dogs and shower before the Flyers started losing, I had a couple pretty great phone calls today. Talked to both my Lowrey girls, as well as Papa Mulia (Joe's dad). It was pretty great. Intermittently, I watched more Law and Order today and went outside for a bit with the dogs. Yeah, I still barely did shit - just slightly more than yesterday. I should have gone to the gym, but I didn't. Uggh. Tomorrow, off from work, I have to get up and out to be at the post dog park by 10. Both the dogs and myself will get to see our friends and hang for a bit. I just pray that Dex doesn't piss on anyone again like the last time we were there. I swear he just short circuits sometimes. Agghh. So, the game is back on. I still gotta rinse the coffee pot out for tomorrow. And then possibly read some more of my new book - Russell Brand's memoirs, My Booky Wook. Yessss.

Like a Speedball, but Minus the Cocaine & Heroin

I could write a damn book about the highs and lows with Joe Mulia. You better believe I rode out today as best I could. I know I was coming down from yesterday and the days that led up to it, so I allowed myself the day to be a slug, watching TV and napping. I ate cookies, pizza, and drank a soda - JUNK. I didn't force myself to do anything, though I did accept a dinner invitation from my neighbor and had hamburgers with them over at their house. See, I still slipped in some human contact, all the while refraining from slashing my wrists. Woohoo.

However, I did try to get my brain to start refocusing - next home project, money, my career future, etc. While Joe was home I did briefly ask him again about his feelings on me quitting. We've talked about it before. It was not a good time, though, so his answer had some hesitation and seemingly mixed feelings on the subject, whereas he's previously been very much on board with me quitting. I just need more time to discuss it with him. That said, he does not do ANYTHING with the money except occasionally sign into his MYPAY to tell me what the hell is going on with his funds. It's been me who's organized the debt and gotten it paid off. A lot of it was mine, so I felt guilty and like I needed to take care of it. But I've done a few things for Joe - paid off his shitty credit cards and gotten him one attached to mine in which I am the primary with the end result being that I've raised his credit score about 100 points in the last few years. Yes, that's right. So if I think we'll be in a place where it's financially feasible for me to quit working for the time being, then by golly we surely will be! 1. My job is soul-less. 2. I want to be home when Joe is home. As I've mentioned many times before, those are the two main reasons that I would like to not work. The cut in income would only be temporary, as when Joe gets out of the Army, he will start at a reasonable wage. So where we are now, if after all our bills for which we get statements are paid, and we have $1600 per month for everything else on top of the savings we already have, I think we can make it until the next thing comes along. And with Joe's resume, it will. Okay, yeah, things I need to talk to my husband about; I know. BUT HE'S NOT HERE!!!!!

More money stuff but inspirational this time: On the blog I wrote on 2/17/10, I mentioned still owing $16,931 on my student loans. Well, here on 6/5/10, my current pay off amount is $5786 and some change. I try to remember this when I'm driving around my 13 year old car. The loans will be done by the end of July. I'm going to pull some out of savings to finish it off, but it'll be gone. Then we save for a vehicle. I can't wait to pull up to whatever place we choose to purchase a car and pay CASH. Especially if it's a dealer. I'll be sure to dress down that day just to increase the surprise factor. Ah, thus I am a nerd. Twenty six year olds should be fantasizing about much different things. And yet here I just want to whip out a cashier's check (or whatever) for the full amount of a car...

Mountains

Joe was officially passed to Mountain Phase today. Thank the Lord. Although I'm very paranoid that he was going to get recycled for getting back almost late after his pass was over. He had five minutes to spare, but they make the rules up as they go. You don't want to stand out as the guy who got back last. I was pretty pissed that he wasn't ready to go earlier than he was, but I can understand why he wouldn't be so eager to return. Still, don't press your luck.

It's been a long day. I got to Camp Rogers a little before 9AM only to find that the guys wouldn't be released until close to 12PM. Suck. I couldn't go home in case they got released early. My drive time would cut into pass time, so I had to stay close. I ended up tailgating (sort of) with some other wives waiting. We sat in a parking lot that faced a high metal fence with barbed wire at the top and all the barracks on the other side of it. There was very little movement between the barracks buildings; it was like staring at a ghost town. Any guy we saw we would watch intently first to see if it was a husband and then to see if it was at least someone who could provide information. But really there was no one. So there we stood, talking, sharing horror stories. Man, if there was a place for us all to be understood it was in that parking lot.

Amongst our chatter, I heard my name called. The building closest to us on the other side of the fence had an open window - the kind that pushes outward to open from the bottom, so you never get a full view. Being unable to see whoever said my name, confused, I yelled back, "Joe?" Sure enough. I ran up to the fence, close enough to see part of his face through the window. His smile was so big, but still I had to ask if he'd passed. He had. I quickly asked how he was and then started asking the other wives for their husband's names and companies. We had an information chain going - wives would holler to me - then me to Joe - and then get a thumbs up or down. It was pretty sweet, and the other wives were thankful. I tell ya every wife thinks their husband is the best, but mine is pretty great. Even the other wives noticed, as Joe sent word to a Marine there (who then popped up in the window) that his wife was outside, even though he hadn't expected her to be able to come. (The wife wanted Joe to let the Marine know, so the dude wouldn't leave in a cab instead of with her.) But yeah. My man. I swear, if there's a way, he will find me. And he sure did. He later told me it was the barracks bathroom window he was talking to me through, and as I gave him names he repeated them to all the guys in the stalls doing their business for feedback. Goes to show that you never really know just how close to shit you are.

The pass was the fastest 8 hours of my life. Gah. It was nice, though, and Joe kept telling me how much he was going to miss me. I swear he must have Stockholm Syndrome, because he probably shouldn't like me as much as he does. I've always been told I'm kinda bitchy and to "be nice to that boy." :-) He was teary on the car ride back (which means I couldn't be). When I see him cry, my tears shut off and I go into protector mode. It got worse when I was helping him get his bags on to run in with. I grabbed him and gave him one last squeeze, told him everything would be fine, and then told him to RUN! Agghhh. It just so draining to cram so much emotion into such a small time. Then you see your dude sad to part from you, knowing he's about to go into the super suck. Of course I came home and cried. Luckily, I got three letters from Joe in the mail today, which I'm hoarding. I will open one tonight and the rest over the next several days. Now if we can go straight through this so I can see him again in six weeks!!!

Pyscho Katie, Run Run, Runawaaaayyyyy

Well, I'm not psycho yet. Tomorrow is 8 hr pass day. I'm hoping for the best but mentally preparing for the worst. I have the house clean, the yard mowed, and cookies baked. I think the cookies kind of suck, but they beat an MRE. It's damn late now, but I figure I needed to work myself to exhaustion tonight or I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. I'm not sure how tomorrow will go, but at least I'm already familiar with some of the unpleasant side. Joe hasn't called at all, which is a good sign. Another guy from his company started in this training class with Joe but got recycled. He was able to call his wife and let her know, as well as have weekend passes and nightly phone calls when time allowed. There's been nothing like that for us; all signs lead to Joe having made it at least to today. Depending on how late their activities went today, if he recycled I don't know if he would have had time to call me. That's sort of what happened last time. But I think it was more that they weren't given a chance. Bah. I've kept my phone on me for any calls from him - nada. Please let him go to Mountains. Let's get this shit over with. I wanna tab my guy out at Victory Pond already! :-)

Today also marked my ninth consecutive work day in a row, as well as the start to a four day weekend. After which, I'll work a bunch more. We're short-staffed, and it sucks. However, it's because a good employee got a well-deserved promotion, so the reason for it is good. But being in the midst of it is not. Especially when one of the coworkers helping provide coverage is a paranoid bitch. I may hate addicts, but nothing gets to me the way some of the lousy staff do. Crazy really does attract crazy. Off.the.chain.

I'll close with a Joe memory. I dusted our bedroom tonight, and it was damn dusty. It dawned on me that I may have dusted it once...or not at all since Joe did when I was sick. (I vacuum regularly, but hate dusting.) Anyhow. So rewind to sick week. I was passed out on the couch, woke up, and wandered back to the bedroom to see where Joe was. Cuz you know when you're sick you want to be alone but really you don't cuz you're all lonely and want someone to take care of you. Well, how about I came back to the bedroom to find Joe standing on the bed dusting the ceiling fan. When I clean our room, I don't even dust the ceiling fan. And rarely does Joe ever do any dusting in our room at all. I was shocked, and I believe I asked, "What the fuck are you doing?" He was very nonchalant in whatever his exact response was and continued about his work as I looked on completely puzzled. As it turns out, when I'm incapacitated, he feels less pressure to get things done and therefore will not only take on a task, but go above and beyond in the execution. Here's hopin' he sacs up and starts feeling some of that out at Ranger School! Word.