So. I'm about half into with my dad about a toddler chair that they got Maddie for Christmas. The problem is that we got her one too. I like ours better, and now we're at a stalemate as to what to do with theirs. It's actually getting ugly; I got a very mocking, condescending email from my dad about it. And ya know what? That's not the Christmas spirit. Nor is what I want to do and reply with FUCK YOU BOTH, FUCK CHRISTMAS, AND DON'T EVER SEND US ANY GODDAMN GIFTS EVER AGAIN. So what is the proper response here? Do I just keep the chair and scrap what I actually wanted my own child to have? Do I donate it? Do I send it back (I already talked to the company and have a shipping label in my email ready to be printed off)? Dad says if I send it back, it will be WW3. Hmm. Really? It's a duplicate gift that I have to keep to make the gift giver happy? And at the same time throw away $130. Yes, it cost that much. Hmm HMM. HMMMMMMM.
It must be me, right? I keep having issues with family, so it must be me. If you know me, you know that I am crazy. BUT. Then you'll also know that my family is way more fucking batshit than I'll ever be. After getting that asshole email from my father, I really want to go ahead and send the chair back just to stick it to him. He lives with her, not me. More than that, though, it's the rational thing to do. We have this chair. We don't need it. Let's send it back and use the money for something else for Maddie. Because isn't that who this is for? For Maddie, right? No?
Christmas brings out the best in every one, huh? Fucking hell.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
BABY.SITTER.
Maddie is at a sitter's house right now. I met the lady on my local FB cloth diaper page, and we've messaged back and forth about kid stuff in the past. Today, she's watching my kid. She used to do a daycare in-home and now watches kids on her days off from her internship for her master's (in counseling). Not a bad find. She even called to let me know how Maddie was doing and that she is napping. She was real tired after playing with the other kids!! *Happy squeal* I may even do this again tomorrow. I love Maddie, but it's so nice to have a break!! I think I'll be a better mother with a little time away. In trying to get everything done around here there are some days I feel like I don't really see her. Ah motherhood. Hopefully this helps both Maddie and me.
Now a quick running update before I go run some errands...
Last weekend I got to run by myself...and with music (I don't listen to music when I run with Maddie so I can keep all my mama spidey senses on high alert). It was glorious, and I managed to make it five miles. My best distance yet. Then, Monday evening I decided to try an interval training run. It was sundown. I'd left Maddie with Joe, and beef stew simmering on the stove. I ran one minute higher intensity to two minutes lower, couched between a five minute warm up and another five cool down, totaling 34 minutes and what ended up being about a 5k. It was probably my best run to date. I felt like a million bucks: the sun setting behind the mountains was beautiful; the crisp, chilly air felt amazing; the Christmas lights on the passing houses were fun to look at. Overall, it just gave me such an energy. I tore it up. My splits were 11:02, 10:25, 10:46, and those are my best times ever. IT WAS AMAZING. By the end of the three miles, I was snapping along to the music and still felt great. I tried to recreate that feeling yesterday...under the big desert sun, pushing a stroller, with a head wind, uphill, and it fucking sucked. My splits were 11:36, 11:51 (stopped and walked during this mile due to a side stitch), and then I got just incredibly pissed off because it was going so awfully and cranked out a 10:25 third mile. Not every run is your best, no, but I run so much better without the sun or a stroller in front of me. However, I am grateful because without that jogger stroller, I wouldn't be running at all. Can't have it all.
I also did a strength training circuit for runners this week, and it was pretty great. I didn't realize how much I was working until the next day. Sore. Good sore, though. It was the second circuit of the two listed at the bottom here: http://www.runnersworld.com/workouts/build-better-body?page=single. I so want to do the first circuit but gotta look up an alternate exercise to the back extension...don't have one of those. And I guess have Joe put up the chin up bar.
With that, I gotta try the post office while I'm still sans child. I'll proof this later. Or, someone else do it. Cheers.
Now a quick running update before I go run some errands...
Last weekend I got to run by myself...and with music (I don't listen to music when I run with Maddie so I can keep all my mama spidey senses on high alert). It was glorious, and I managed to make it five miles. My best distance yet. Then, Monday evening I decided to try an interval training run. It was sundown. I'd left Maddie with Joe, and beef stew simmering on the stove. I ran one minute higher intensity to two minutes lower, couched between a five minute warm up and another five cool down, totaling 34 minutes and what ended up being about a 5k. It was probably my best run to date. I felt like a million bucks: the sun setting behind the mountains was beautiful; the crisp, chilly air felt amazing; the Christmas lights on the passing houses were fun to look at. Overall, it just gave me such an energy. I tore it up. My splits were 11:02, 10:25, 10:46, and those are my best times ever. IT WAS AMAZING. By the end of the three miles, I was snapping along to the music and still felt great. I tried to recreate that feeling yesterday...under the big desert sun, pushing a stroller, with a head wind, uphill, and it fucking sucked. My splits were 11:36, 11:51 (stopped and walked during this mile due to a side stitch), and then I got just incredibly pissed off because it was going so awfully and cranked out a 10:25 third mile. Not every run is your best, no, but I run so much better without the sun or a stroller in front of me. However, I am grateful because without that jogger stroller, I wouldn't be running at all. Can't have it all.
I also did a strength training circuit for runners this week, and it was pretty great. I didn't realize how much I was working until the next day. Sore. Good sore, though. It was the second circuit of the two listed at the bottom here: http://www.runnersworld.com/workouts/build-better-body?page=single. I so want to do the first circuit but gotta look up an alternate exercise to the back extension...don't have one of those. And I guess have Joe put up the chin up bar.
With that, I gotta try the post office while I'm still sans child. I'll proof this later. Or, someone else do it. Cheers.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thoughts.
People are stupid and say stupid things. I'm guilty of it too. But I try like hell to empathize and think before I speak.
I'm too sensitive. I've never been this sensitive. Ever. Someone more or less questioned my parenting today, and I let it ruin the rest of my day. I need to try and figure out how not to be so sensitive. I have a few ideas.
Thank God I'm exercising. If I didn't have running and feeling good about myself in that aspect, I'd probably be in tears every day. I'm thankful I'm doing something to keep myself sane (but not so much that it's an obsession). I don't need to be committed just yet I guess.
Speaking of exercising, I need to do more strength training. I got in my closet and tried on a ton of my old dress (read: work) pants for a function next Saturday, and they still don't fit. And it's only in the inner tube area. I'm not in the dumps about it because I feel pretty good about what I've been doing. I just want to understand it, so I've done a little research. It turns out that the running is lovely but adding more muscle mass will up my metabolism even more. These are things I know but have forgotten. Probably because I've been so excited (what?) about running. Who knew I'd have tunnel vision (brain) for running? Time to get excited about throwing some weights around.
For now I'm going to go continue reading Clash of Kings until I pass out. And since I was awake more than asleep between 4-6AM this morning, it shouldn't take much. Good night.
I'm too sensitive. I've never been this sensitive. Ever. Someone more or less questioned my parenting today, and I let it ruin the rest of my day. I need to try and figure out how not to be so sensitive. I have a few ideas.
Thank God I'm exercising. If I didn't have running and feeling good about myself in that aspect, I'd probably be in tears every day. I'm thankful I'm doing something to keep myself sane (but not so much that it's an obsession). I don't need to be committed just yet I guess.
Speaking of exercising, I need to do more strength training. I got in my closet and tried on a ton of my old dress (read: work) pants for a function next Saturday, and they still don't fit. And it's only in the inner tube area. I'm not in the dumps about it because I feel pretty good about what I've been doing. I just want to understand it, so I've done a little research. It turns out that the running is lovely but adding more muscle mass will up my metabolism even more. These are things I know but have forgotten. Probably because I've been so excited (what?) about running. Who knew I'd have tunnel vision (brain) for running? Time to get excited about throwing some weights around.
For now I'm going to go continue reading Clash of Kings until I pass out. And since I was awake more than asleep between 4-6AM this morning, it shouldn't take much. Good night.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Wednesday...Pretty Good So Far
I've got to go shower and hang some diapers on the line. Please, imagine me in an 1800's prairie dress. But not in the shower.
Since this blog is my little journal (a therapeutic technique), I'll go ahead and dump out the last day and half-ish.
Yesterday was pretty good. Until I had to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. I hate my store options here. I hate my fellow patrons. And now I hate the people who ring me up and bag my groceries. Or at least Robby. He seriously had to be trying to go as slow as he did. I thought my head was going to blow right off my shoulders due to rage Or that I was going to jump up on the counter and bash his giant, fat head into his stupid keyboard. I mean, dude, it was your grocery store's rush hour. Bust that shit out, man.
But I made it through. By the way, that whole trip started with a toothless man riding up to me on his bike RIGHT as I stepped out of my car and asking me for "change." Obviously he'd watched me park, etc, which made me uneasy. I almost asked him if he was gonna just rob me. But alas, I gave him some change and even emptied some of the pesos out of the bottom of my purse. He thanked me and was more pleasant than anything I experienced in the store.
Feels good to get all that out.
So far I've pretty much just run today. It was a crappy 3 mile run with about a minute or two of walking in there. Wah. I skimped on making a lot for dinner last night (in my post grocery store state), so I just had steak and salad, no carbs. Mistake. Went to bed a little hungry and did not even enough this morning before I left. Lesson learned. Pushing a stroller uphill with a head wind did not help either.
What else. I had more on my mind. Oh. Christmas gifts. Gahhh. How are people already done? I do not understand. And how do y'all do gifts for folks far away? Every year I say I'm just going to do gift cards or a gift basket straight from a website to their door, and every year I end up wrapping gifts and boxing them to then spend a small fortune at Fedex. I dare say Maddie will not stand for that this year. I'm picturing myself in line with big boxes in tow and an insane melting down child. Yeah, not exactly in line with the Christmas spirit.
Speaking of the Christmas spirit, I have a big baby gate/pen ordered to protect the tree, as well as a whole house humidifier (that maybe Amazon could hurry up and ship??). I no longer envision Maddie pulling down a brittle, fiery tree on herself. I'm also excited in general for it to not be so friggin' dry in here. IT'S AGING ME FASTER!!!!! I even bought a humidity/temp gauge to use along with it. Excitement.
Shower time.
Since this blog is my little journal (a therapeutic technique), I'll go ahead and dump out the last day and half-ish.
Yesterday was pretty good. Until I had to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. I hate my store options here. I hate my fellow patrons. And now I hate the people who ring me up and bag my groceries. Or at least Robby. He seriously had to be trying to go as slow as he did. I thought my head was going to blow right off my shoulders due to rage Or that I was going to jump up on the counter and bash his giant, fat head into his stupid keyboard. I mean, dude, it was your grocery store's rush hour. Bust that shit out, man.
But I made it through. By the way, that whole trip started with a toothless man riding up to me on his bike RIGHT as I stepped out of my car and asking me for "change." Obviously he'd watched me park, etc, which made me uneasy. I almost asked him if he was gonna just rob me. But alas, I gave him some change and even emptied some of the pesos out of the bottom of my purse. He thanked me and was more pleasant than anything I experienced in the store.
Feels good to get all that out.
So far I've pretty much just run today. It was a crappy 3 mile run with about a minute or two of walking in there. Wah. I skimped on making a lot for dinner last night (in my post grocery store state), so I just had steak and salad, no carbs. Mistake. Went to bed a little hungry and did not even enough this morning before I left. Lesson learned. Pushing a stroller uphill with a head wind did not help either.
What else. I had more on my mind. Oh. Christmas gifts. Gahhh. How are people already done? I do not understand. And how do y'all do gifts for folks far away? Every year I say I'm just going to do gift cards or a gift basket straight from a website to their door, and every year I end up wrapping gifts and boxing them to then spend a small fortune at Fedex. I dare say Maddie will not stand for that this year. I'm picturing myself in line with big boxes in tow and an insane melting down child. Yeah, not exactly in line with the Christmas spirit.
Speaking of the Christmas spirit, I have a big baby gate/pen ordered to protect the tree, as well as a whole house humidifier (that maybe Amazon could hurry up and ship??). I no longer envision Maddie pulling down a brittle, fiery tree on herself. I'm also excited in general for it to not be so friggin' dry in here. IT'S AGING ME FASTER!!!!! I even bought a humidity/temp gauge to use along with it. Excitement.
Shower time.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Monday > Sunday
Yesterday started strong and then just went down the damn drain. It was the Sunday blues combined with friendlessness. We went to the park, and I was so full of hope that there would be fellow moms there for me to stalk. Hark, I found two! Each with a child Maddie's age. Both boys. Except they only seemed to want the boys to play together..."look, there's another boy; he wants to play with you." Except both idiot boys would just stand there, glazed. My kid was in the mix, running around, doing stuff. But neither mom suggested their sons play with her, even after she ran up to one of the boys. I just smiled and said hello. Still I forgave them and lingered awkwardly as they talked, hitting it off. As I stood there deciding that I would jump in the conversation, it got to the part where they each mentioned how much they love it here, one girl saying that it felt like home after just four weeks. Whaaaa?
And with that, I was done. I moved off to the side and watched Maddie and Joe play a bit. I also watched a three year old we'd met previously, literally drag my kid around by the arm, making her fall a few times before we all convinced her to let go and that Maddie could not walk that fast. I did not like it at all. Do not hurt my kid. But still I was bummed. Happy for the moms who found each other. Sad for me that I didn't find my own new friend. It was kind of like watching the dude you're into hit it off with another chick. I even got teary and remained sad for the rest of the day, though I managed not to fully cry until several hours later....when my second attempt at getting an egg nog milkshake (for Joe) failed. Luckily, I cried into the phone to my mother and not to the flamboyant lad who informed me thru the drive thru speaker that they were out of egg not. THAT, AFTER JACK N THE BOX STARTED CLEANING THEIR MILKSHAKE MACHINE 1.5 HOURS BEFORE CLOSING. Angry fist!!!
I at least decided to take a big step and put myself out there on the local cloth diapering group's FB page. Did the whole, 'hey, my 16 mo old daughter and I have missed the boat on the social scene here....does anyone meet up, do kiddie classes together, etc?' Um, I basically got one response: to join a natural, "crunchy" mama group. Which aren't completely my people but a start nonetheless. I'm probably guilty of judging them in anticipation of them judging me for not being crunchy enough. What is wrong with me? Really, they may be all I've got and great women to boot. Still, it stung that even after inviting folks to join us at the park if they ever want to go, I got no other responses. This actually occurred in between the park and the drive thru. So by the time the post drive thru cry began, I realized this: 1. I've never needed to have friends around me as I do now that I have a child. I don't know how it's lonelier with a little person running around you, but it is. Perhaps because you start to lose your own identity as you take care of them. Which brings me to 2. Friends help affirm who you are, who you know yourself to be. Without them it's possible to start second guessing yourself more and becoming lost in your own scary mind. The horror.
With that, today is better. Thank GOD I woke up feeling alright. If things don't get better after the holidays, I'll give up on friends and just start trying to find a good therapist to carry me through my time here. And before anyone starts preaching, I have seen therapists before and been on anti-depressants. Two different ones even. Woohoo!! So save it because I know that shit helps.
Now. It's time for me to finally order more beauticontrol on this fine cyber Monday...order online and put in the promo code "cyber" for 20% off today. Yes, please.
And with that, I was done. I moved off to the side and watched Maddie and Joe play a bit. I also watched a three year old we'd met previously, literally drag my kid around by the arm, making her fall a few times before we all convinced her to let go and that Maddie could not walk that fast. I did not like it at all. Do not hurt my kid. But still I was bummed. Happy for the moms who found each other. Sad for me that I didn't find my own new friend. It was kind of like watching the dude you're into hit it off with another chick. I even got teary and remained sad for the rest of the day, though I managed not to fully cry until several hours later....when my second attempt at getting an egg nog milkshake (for Joe) failed. Luckily, I cried into the phone to my mother and not to the flamboyant lad who informed me thru the drive thru speaker that they were out of egg not. THAT, AFTER JACK N THE BOX STARTED CLEANING THEIR MILKSHAKE MACHINE 1.5 HOURS BEFORE CLOSING. Angry fist!!!
I at least decided to take a big step and put myself out there on the local cloth diapering group's FB page. Did the whole, 'hey, my 16 mo old daughter and I have missed the boat on the social scene here....does anyone meet up, do kiddie classes together, etc?' Um, I basically got one response: to join a natural, "crunchy" mama group. Which aren't completely my people but a start nonetheless. I'm probably guilty of judging them in anticipation of them judging me for not being crunchy enough. What is wrong with me? Really, they may be all I've got and great women to boot. Still, it stung that even after inviting folks to join us at the park if they ever want to go, I got no other responses. This actually occurred in between the park and the drive thru. So by the time the post drive thru cry began, I realized this: 1. I've never needed to have friends around me as I do now that I have a child. I don't know how it's lonelier with a little person running around you, but it is. Perhaps because you start to lose your own identity as you take care of them. Which brings me to 2. Friends help affirm who you are, who you know yourself to be. Without them it's possible to start second guessing yourself more and becoming lost in your own scary mind. The horror.
With that, today is better. Thank GOD I woke up feeling alright. If things don't get better after the holidays, I'll give up on friends and just start trying to find a good therapist to carry me through my time here. And before anyone starts preaching, I have seen therapists before and been on anti-depressants. Two different ones even. Woohoo!! So save it because I know that shit helps.
Now. It's time for me to finally order more beauticontrol on this fine cyber Monday...order online and put in the promo code "cyber" for 20% off today. Yes, please.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thanksgiving Weekend
We had a good Thanksgiving and continued weekend. For Thanksgiving we went over to Joe's grandparents' house (where his aunt and uncle - siblings, not a couple - also live). I was honestly a little bit nervous about it, as it was primarily a traditional Italian meal instead of old school Thanksgiving. But holy hell was it good. Joe's grandma is actually Sicilian, and she makes her own red sauce, meatballs, and cooks sausage links in it too. It was amazing. We had that over Penne with a side salad and a side of turkey. I had two helpings of pasta and meatballs (and sausage) and didn't really give a crap about the turkey. It was glorious. Joe ate himself to the point of severe discomfort. Maddie at a bunch as well. It was a good time, and we enjoyed getting to spend the holiday with some family.
Another Thanksgiving "happy" was that we went for a run that morning. We got in a 3.25 mile on THANKSGIVING DAY. I definitely felt good about myself after that. I've felt good enough lately to go ahead and buy new clothes. As I've mentioned, I completely sorted, donated and sold off a bunch of my stuff before the move, and even a bit more since our arrival here. Total de-clutter mission...Joe even has more clothes than I do right now! Anyway. I hit some of the Express and Gap sales (online) and am really excited to see how my stuff will look on me after it arrives. New body, new hair; it's time for some new clothes. Boom.
Where I'm struggling is in the new friends department. It does get lonely here, and I'm not one who is great at putting myself "out there." That said, there aren't really even that many ways to even do that. My FB mom groups are kind of duds. I've asked Joe's family about any friends with kids our age. Joe's coworkers either don't have kids or do but live an hour away (what a commute!). I've gone to the park more regularly but pickins are slim. I just really don't want to be friends with the 500lb mom who is chain smoking right next to where our kids are playing. No thanks. There are no mommy and me classes here (that I can find). Most all of the kiddie classes listed around the community have an age limit of no younger than three. Still holding out for gymnastics @ 18mos, and I'm very hopeful that we can all (Maddie + parents) make new friends there. It's tough out here, y'all. And right now I really need friends who "get it" what with the insane screaming/meltdown phase we're in now. Joe is my sole friend here, and that's a lot of pressure on him. Oh well. I at least have a old lady tea/lunch I'm going to on Dec. 8! They may be older than my own parents, but it'll be nice at least hanging with some gals outside the house! And eating little sandwiches with the crust cut off. Yes.
But alas, the Christmas season is now upon us, and we have family coming into town next month, so I'm excited for that! Joe too, as it is his mother, brothers and their SO's. I guess his family really is mine now if I'm this excited to see them. Or it's just that lonely here. ;-) But speaking of Christmas, Joe is outside beginning the process of hanging lights on the house. The plan is to just kind of hang today and hopefully later go look for a new mattress. Joe ran four days in a row last week, so he's definitely taking the day off from that. Yep, he's starting to run again. He does my smaller runs with me, some interval speed runs by himself, and just Friday did a long, 8.5 mile run. Very proud that he's getting back into it! I had my longest run here to date of four miles yesterday. It seriously is a confidence boost to go further. I love it. I've never run like this before, and I never thought I could. I hope I keep it up, though. Just at the end of August/beginning of Sept, I was only running three minutes at a time, and now here I am a few months later, going for 35-45 minutes. Feels SO good. Now if I could just find some mom friends!
Another Thanksgiving "happy" was that we went for a run that morning. We got in a 3.25 mile on THANKSGIVING DAY. I definitely felt good about myself after that. I've felt good enough lately to go ahead and buy new clothes. As I've mentioned, I completely sorted, donated and sold off a bunch of my stuff before the move, and even a bit more since our arrival here. Total de-clutter mission...Joe even has more clothes than I do right now! Anyway. I hit some of the Express and Gap sales (online) and am really excited to see how my stuff will look on me after it arrives. New body, new hair; it's time for some new clothes. Boom.
Where I'm struggling is in the new friends department. It does get lonely here, and I'm not one who is great at putting myself "out there." That said, there aren't really even that many ways to even do that. My FB mom groups are kind of duds. I've asked Joe's family about any friends with kids our age. Joe's coworkers either don't have kids or do but live an hour away (what a commute!). I've gone to the park more regularly but pickins are slim. I just really don't want to be friends with the 500lb mom who is chain smoking right next to where our kids are playing. No thanks. There are no mommy and me classes here (that I can find). Most all of the kiddie classes listed around the community have an age limit of no younger than three. Still holding out for gymnastics @ 18mos, and I'm very hopeful that we can all (Maddie + parents) make new friends there. It's tough out here, y'all. And right now I really need friends who "get it" what with the insane screaming/meltdown phase we're in now. Joe is my sole friend here, and that's a lot of pressure on him. Oh well. I at least have a old lady tea/lunch I'm going to on Dec. 8! They may be older than my own parents, but it'll be nice at least hanging with some gals outside the house! And eating little sandwiches with the crust cut off. Yes.
But alas, the Christmas season is now upon us, and we have family coming into town next month, so I'm excited for that! Joe too, as it is his mother, brothers and their SO's. I guess his family really is mine now if I'm this excited to see them. Or it's just that lonely here. ;-) But speaking of Christmas, Joe is outside beginning the process of hanging lights on the house. The plan is to just kind of hang today and hopefully later go look for a new mattress. Joe ran four days in a row last week, so he's definitely taking the day off from that. Yep, he's starting to run again. He does my smaller runs with me, some interval speed runs by himself, and just Friday did a long, 8.5 mile run. Very proud that he's getting back into it! I had my longest run here to date of four miles yesterday. It seriously is a confidence boost to go further. I love it. I've never run like this before, and I never thought I could. I hope I keep it up, though. Just at the end of August/beginning of Sept, I was only running three minutes at a time, and now here I am a few months later, going for 35-45 minutes. Feels SO good. Now if I could just find some mom friends!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Puddin'
Here's a quick post to clear my head and entertain you (or not).
It's Monday. So far I've vacuumed (part of) the living room, started washing more laundry, and run three miles. That, along with caring for myself, the kid, and the dogs. Everyone's napping now but me, and I just know Maddie will be up any minute. If I were to pour myself a coffee, she would be up instantly. Moon, tides, a tired mother pouring coffee... To summarize, we're making good headway today, which makes me nervous. Lately, when I think the day is going to go well, Maddie, indeed, gives me that proverbial punch to the face. That's why I won't even talk about trying to have a lunch with a bunch of 60+ year olds and Maddie last Friday. No.
I've been thinking about the baby weight I'm still carrying. Because I didn't carry to term, nor push a kid through my birth canal, I've felt like an asshole not being able to squeeze back into some of my clothes. I was in the normal weight gain range during the pregnancy and even exercised regularly throughout! Well. Light bulb!! It wasn't the pregnancy that has done this, or rather, it wasn't just the pregnancy. I believe it was the post partum body + hospitalization of my kid. I didn't exercise at all, and I ate emotionally....in a hospital cafeteria....in Atlanta, GA. You best believe that I ate the hell out of some macaroni and cheese, and any time they had fried catfish, I was all over it. Another regular meal item was what was called "pudding parfait." With oreos. So yeah. There's all that with what was an already out of whack body AND the most stress I've ever felt my whole life. Then after we got home, I stayed home with a kid who was hooked up to a heart monitor and couldn't go out in public a whole lot...flu season with a premie! I was also very freaked out after having had a c-section (what if my incision, you know, just burst open?!). I would have pushed her out naturally, without drugs, a thousand times over than have my guts cut open and pushed out of the way to have a kid pulled out. Something they don't tell you when you have an emergency c-section in a foreign country: They have to move your bladder out of the way (amongst other things) to get to your uterus. So, when they finally pull the catheter out of you, and you start peeing on your own again, you're pissing razor blades. Yes, until your bladder settles back in to its original nesting spot, there is the likelihood of some discomfort while urinating. But anyway.
Why didn't I remember all that other stuff? I have no idea. I really do wonder how much I gained after having my kid. I still don't know that I would do much differently. It was depressing eating alone in that hospital (after Joe went back to work during the week), not to mention just being in the hospital and not home, and by god, that mac n cheese, etc made me feel GOOD. I'm just hopeful that it goes differently next time.
For now, I'm doing my best to get my bod in good shape again. Or maybe for the first time. I'm actually enjoying running...the challenge....feeling good about myself when I run further than the previous time. It's cool. Very cool. And honestly, as I've said before, it's really the only thing I have going that's for me.
Final thought, be mindful of what you gift small children. What is my 15 mo old going to do with Pez??
It's Monday. So far I've vacuumed (part of) the living room, started washing more laundry, and run three miles. That, along with caring for myself, the kid, and the dogs. Everyone's napping now but me, and I just know Maddie will be up any minute. If I were to pour myself a coffee, she would be up instantly. Moon, tides, a tired mother pouring coffee... To summarize, we're making good headway today, which makes me nervous. Lately, when I think the day is going to go well, Maddie, indeed, gives me that proverbial punch to the face. That's why I won't even talk about trying to have a lunch with a bunch of 60+ year olds and Maddie last Friday. No.
I've been thinking about the baby weight I'm still carrying. Because I didn't carry to term, nor push a kid through my birth canal, I've felt like an asshole not being able to squeeze back into some of my clothes. I was in the normal weight gain range during the pregnancy and even exercised regularly throughout! Well. Light bulb!! It wasn't the pregnancy that has done this, or rather, it wasn't just the pregnancy. I believe it was the post partum body + hospitalization of my kid. I didn't exercise at all, and I ate emotionally....in a hospital cafeteria....in Atlanta, GA. You best believe that I ate the hell out of some macaroni and cheese, and any time they had fried catfish, I was all over it. Another regular meal item was what was called "pudding parfait." With oreos. So yeah. There's all that with what was an already out of whack body AND the most stress I've ever felt my whole life. Then after we got home, I stayed home with a kid who was hooked up to a heart monitor and couldn't go out in public a whole lot...flu season with a premie! I was also very freaked out after having had a c-section (what if my incision, you know, just burst open?!). I would have pushed her out naturally, without drugs, a thousand times over than have my guts cut open and pushed out of the way to have a kid pulled out. Something they don't tell you when you have an emergency c-section in a foreign country: They have to move your bladder out of the way (amongst other things) to get to your uterus. So, when they finally pull the catheter out of you, and you start peeing on your own again, you're pissing razor blades. Yes, until your bladder settles back in to its original nesting spot, there is the likelihood of some discomfort while urinating. But anyway.
Why didn't I remember all that other stuff? I have no idea. I really do wonder how much I gained after having my kid. I still don't know that I would do much differently. It was depressing eating alone in that hospital (after Joe went back to work during the week), not to mention just being in the hospital and not home, and by god, that mac n cheese, etc made me feel GOOD. I'm just hopeful that it goes differently next time.
For now, I'm doing my best to get my bod in good shape again. Or maybe for the first time. I'm actually enjoying running...the challenge....feeling good about myself when I run further than the previous time. It's cool. Very cool. And honestly, as I've said before, it's really the only thing I have going that's for me.
Final thought, be mindful of what you gift small children. What is my 15 mo old going to do with Pez??
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thursday, Thursday
So over on Lin's blog, she's cohost of "Random Thursday." Today's Random Thursday is this:
Lin has the option on her blog to link it in and read other folks' responses. I never do because I consider myself too boring, so I'll share it here with my handful of readers. I'm also putting off taking a shower. Because that's really smart.
1. Box Fan. I sleep with one on high EVERY night. I thought it would be problematic once I had a kid...like I wouldn't be able to hear them over the fan. Not so with a good monitor (we have Angel Care, and it is awesome) plus "mom ear." I hear phantom crying even when she's quietly sleeping. So anyway. Yes, box fan. If I can't take it with me on a trip (ie. flying, etc), then I expect whomever I'm staying with to provide one...or I take my white noise machine.
2. Floss. I floss EVERY NIGHT. I don't always remember to brush my teeth in the mornings now that I'm a mother. Whoops. But I do at night, and I cannot brush without flossing before bed. Even the night in Mexico when I was having premature labor and didn't realize it until later in the night, I stood in front of that damn vanity, contractions a go-go and flossed my damn teeth. I don't play.
3. My smartphone. It's true. I'm an addict. That said, there are evenings where 5-6 hours will go by without looking at it. I feel better about myself on those days.
4. Bum Genius 4.0s. It's my go-to cloth diaper that I have used (on my kid, not myself) for over a year straight. We love them and use them every day.
5. Coffee/Coffee Maker. I managed to quit coffee (and all caffeine) throughout my whole pregnancy and consumed only in moderation while nursing for a whole damn year. Now I drink it every day and usually have at least a cup and half. I drink some in the morning and a little about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I loooooove coffee. Joe makes it in the morning before he goes to work, and our thermal carafe keeps it warm (and not burnt...there is no burner) for me when I get up. Our go to brand is whole bean Eight O'Clock Coffee (Columbian) which goes straight into our Cuisinart Grind and Brew. A little loud but glorious, and I'll take it over those coffee bastardizations, K-Cups, any day. Also, it's way better than Starbucks. Bleh.
Other randoms for this Thursday:
- I got 7 inches cut off of my hair when I was in Rolla. I wish I'd had 8 to donate, but I was in MO with my old hairdresser. It was now or never. I've only had one bout of anxiety about missing my hair. It was at 4:30 the morning following the cut. I woke up wondering if all my beauty had been in my hair (which was now gone), and then I remembered that I didn't care and went back to sleep.
- I ran today. It was a far cry from the Rolla run. Just not an easy place for it. Eeked out 2 miles, and then later another .4. I realized my pace was off, and I was running too fast by about 30sec to a minute per mile. Whoops. I guess today was my speed run.
- WOMEN EVERYWHERE WHO HAVE BABIES: IF YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY ABLE TO PUT YOUR REGULAR JEANS BACK ON POST-DELIVERY, KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF. I'm sure I'd be tempted to brag, but it is soul-crushing to the rest of us. Seriously.
- Shower time.
Lin has the option on her blog to link it in and read other folks' responses. I never do because I consider myself too boring, so I'll share it here with my handful of readers. I'm also putting off taking a shower. Because that's really smart.
1. Box Fan. I sleep with one on high EVERY night. I thought it would be problematic once I had a kid...like I wouldn't be able to hear them over the fan. Not so with a good monitor (we have Angel Care, and it is awesome) plus "mom ear." I hear phantom crying even when she's quietly sleeping. So anyway. Yes, box fan. If I can't take it with me on a trip (ie. flying, etc), then I expect whomever I'm staying with to provide one...or I take my white noise machine.
2. Floss. I floss EVERY NIGHT. I don't always remember to brush my teeth in the mornings now that I'm a mother. Whoops. But I do at night, and I cannot brush without flossing before bed. Even the night in Mexico when I was having premature labor and didn't realize it until later in the night, I stood in front of that damn vanity, contractions a go-go and flossed my damn teeth. I don't play.
3. My smartphone. It's true. I'm an addict. That said, there are evenings where 5-6 hours will go by without looking at it. I feel better about myself on those days.
4. Bum Genius 4.0s. It's my go-to cloth diaper that I have used (on my kid, not myself) for over a year straight. We love them and use them every day.
5. Coffee/Coffee Maker. I managed to quit coffee (and all caffeine) throughout my whole pregnancy and consumed only in moderation while nursing for a whole damn year. Now I drink it every day and usually have at least a cup and half. I drink some in the morning and a little about 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I loooooove coffee. Joe makes it in the morning before he goes to work, and our thermal carafe keeps it warm (and not burnt...there is no burner) for me when I get up. Our go to brand is whole bean Eight O'Clock Coffee (Columbian) which goes straight into our Cuisinart Grind and Brew. A little loud but glorious, and I'll take it over those coffee bastardizations, K-Cups, any day. Also, it's way better than Starbucks. Bleh.
Other randoms for this Thursday:
- I got 7 inches cut off of my hair when I was in Rolla. I wish I'd had 8 to donate, but I was in MO with my old hairdresser. It was now or never. I've only had one bout of anxiety about missing my hair. It was at 4:30 the morning following the cut. I woke up wondering if all my beauty had been in my hair (which was now gone), and then I remembered that I didn't care and went back to sleep.
- I ran today. It was a far cry from the Rolla run. Just not an easy place for it. Eeked out 2 miles, and then later another .4. I realized my pace was off, and I was running too fast by about 30sec to a minute per mile. Whoops. I guess today was my speed run.
- WOMEN EVERYWHERE WHO HAVE BABIES: IF YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY ABLE TO PUT YOUR REGULAR JEANS BACK ON POST-DELIVERY, KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF. I'm sure I'd be tempted to brag, but it is soul-crushing to the rest of us. Seriously.
- Shower time.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Planes, No Trains, But a Reliable Honda
If/when any of you have the opportunity to travel with a one year old, DO NOT do it. We just got back from Missouri last night. Between driving, flying, and a quick grocery store stop once back in town for milk, we spent 11.25 hours traveling with Maddie. And that was after a pretty exhausting visit. The trip home yesterday was not great. Not great at all. There was a lot of whining and crying. Maddie also does this blood curdling scream now...when she's happy, mad, sad, or just bored. Like when you were a kid and had the who-can-scream-the-loudest contests. Yeah, like that. Ugh.
The visit itself, while exhausting, was pretty good. It's so hard with a toddler, though. She came off her schedule, lost sleep, and was on high alert due to the stranger danger phase she's in right now. Yeah, not a good mix. It was good for her to see the family, though, even though she stayed fairly uncomfortable with Joe's mom for the duration of the visit. But alas, everyone got to see her, play with her, hug and kiss her, so I guess that makes it a successful visit. Also, the trip there went remarkably well, so things started on a good note.
The best part of the trip for me (other than seeing family) was probably going on a long (well, long for me) run with Joe one morning as the rain started moving in. We got in a 50 minute, 4.38 mile run under wonderfully cloudy skies. The scenery was beautiful - fall leaves and plush green grass against the gray backdrop. To me that kind of beauty beats anything here. It just felt so good to cut loose and just run, especially in that weather (and closer to sea level). Never thought I'd feel that way. Definitely the highlight for me.
Now we're back here, and I'm not too depressed. Just tired. I guess Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow. Whoops. Due to family relations, I'm planning for the three of us (plus dogs) to have a quiet little Thanksgiving by ourselves. The dish on the fam is more about Joe's stepmom. I can't believe there's more...and it's stupid FB stuff (with is actually a pretty decent representation of the reality of our relationship). I've already written how she became offended by the negativity on FB (to include me saying Sierra Vista wouldn't suck while the Croat was here and her response of how could I say that when I have family living here???) and deactivated her account. Well, she got back on. Bummer. Over the weekend I noticed that she wrote something about how she is back on but will steer clear of the negativity, along with how she can't understand how people wake up in the morning choosing to hurt their families. With that, I had enough. I un-friended her so I wouldn't even be tempted to read more of the ridiculous, hypocritical crap she writes. I figure it'd be a positive for her too, as she would no longer be offended by my negativity. Well, last night on the drive home, Joe got a text from his brother asking if Wendy had blocked us on FB. He and his fiance noticed something was up, and it turns out that yep she blocked us both. I guess trying to minimize the drama created more? I dunno. It's ridiculous. I can't even believe I just wrote all this, and even more that this is my life. But I will say that one of the last comments I read from Wendy (before she blocked me) was on a picture of Joe's older brother and his wife, saying "WE WANT MORE GRANDCHILDREN." Yep, a nice comment to a couple who have been trying amidst fertility issues for two years without success. How thoughtful. If anyone has any advice for how I'm supposed to handle having a person like this in my life, please let me know. I do not think she is well, and I do not think I can in any way reason with her or address our issues to some sort of actual solution. That leaves me with few options. Help?
That said, the remainder of this week will be spent recovering from our trip and trying to get back on schedule. It seems like I had more fun, witty things to write, but I can't remember them. Right now I'm gonna just kick back for a minute with the rest of my coffee and a book and have a FREAKIN' MINUTE TO MYSELF. Wooooooooooooooooooot.
The visit itself, while exhausting, was pretty good. It's so hard with a toddler, though. She came off her schedule, lost sleep, and was on high alert due to the stranger danger phase she's in right now. Yeah, not a good mix. It was good for her to see the family, though, even though she stayed fairly uncomfortable with Joe's mom for the duration of the visit. But alas, everyone got to see her, play with her, hug and kiss her, so I guess that makes it a successful visit. Also, the trip there went remarkably well, so things started on a good note.
The best part of the trip for me (other than seeing family) was probably going on a long (well, long for me) run with Joe one morning as the rain started moving in. We got in a 50 minute, 4.38 mile run under wonderfully cloudy skies. The scenery was beautiful - fall leaves and plush green grass against the gray backdrop. To me that kind of beauty beats anything here. It just felt so good to cut loose and just run, especially in that weather (and closer to sea level). Never thought I'd feel that way. Definitely the highlight for me.
Now we're back here, and I'm not too depressed. Just tired. I guess Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow. Whoops. Due to family relations, I'm planning for the three of us (plus dogs) to have a quiet little Thanksgiving by ourselves. The dish on the fam is more about Joe's stepmom. I can't believe there's more...and it's stupid FB stuff (with is actually a pretty decent representation of the reality of our relationship). I've already written how she became offended by the negativity on FB (to include me saying Sierra Vista wouldn't suck while the Croat was here and her response of how could I say that when I have family living here???) and deactivated her account. Well, she got back on. Bummer. Over the weekend I noticed that she wrote something about how she is back on but will steer clear of the negativity, along with how she can't understand how people wake up in the morning choosing to hurt their families. With that, I had enough. I un-friended her so I wouldn't even be tempted to read more of the ridiculous, hypocritical crap she writes. I figure it'd be a positive for her too, as she would no longer be offended by my negativity. Well, last night on the drive home, Joe got a text from his brother asking if Wendy had blocked us on FB. He and his fiance noticed something was up, and it turns out that yep she blocked us both. I guess trying to minimize the drama created more? I dunno. It's ridiculous. I can't even believe I just wrote all this, and even more that this is my life. But I will say that one of the last comments I read from Wendy (before she blocked me) was on a picture of Joe's older brother and his wife, saying "WE WANT MORE GRANDCHILDREN." Yep, a nice comment to a couple who have been trying amidst fertility issues for two years without success. How thoughtful. If anyone has any advice for how I'm supposed to handle having a person like this in my life, please let me know. I do not think she is well, and I do not think I can in any way reason with her or address our issues to some sort of actual solution. That leaves me with few options. Help?
That said, the remainder of this week will be spent recovering from our trip and trying to get back on schedule. It seems like I had more fun, witty things to write, but I can't remember them. Right now I'm gonna just kick back for a minute with the rest of my coffee and a book and have a FREAKIN' MINUTE TO MYSELF. Wooooooooooooooooooot.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Another Tuesday, Another Ten
1. I voted. I almost cried while doing it because Maddie started to go berserk. I filled out half my ballot while half bent over with one hand in hers while she sat in her stroller. It ended with me holding her (and her still freaking out), and I really have no idea of certain things I voted for. It sounds bad, but uh, what can ya do.
2. Two and a half days left until we go to Missouri. Gulp. I already had a dream that I got into a fight with my parents...about someone taking a shower out of order, and I was the one in trouble. Meh.
3. I'm allergic to this place. Seriously, every day is a near sinus infection because of all the dust. Eight-ish months left.
4. I have decided to continue exercising. Joe can feel about himself all he wants, but I'm going to move forward. I drove to the park today to run, and only made it a mile and a half. I think I ate too close to the run, and I needed to pee as well (but the bathrooms were completely surrounded by bees). At least Maddie got to play on the playground when we were done...except that she was obsessed with the jobbing stroller and didn't do anything on the playground. I later did free weights for my arms, shoulder, and back. Booya.
5. Turns out Maddie is not napping right now and started making noise back in her crib, literally, right as Joe walked out the door for his run.
6. Weather news is all about how much it's going to cool down this weekend (snow in the mountains even)....when we're not here.
7. Don't smoke at a public park right next to the kids' playground. You pathetic old ass.
8. Hot spiced wine is AWWWWWESOME. We've been drinking it in the evenings, and it's cozy. I wasn't sure, but I highly recommend it.
9. Something good about this place is the German bakery. There's your positive. And Susan, if you read this, I did get my nougat ring yesterday. I ate it while taking a bath so Joe couldn't see.
10. One day I'm going to take an awesome vacation. If not with Joe, then by myself.
2. Two and a half days left until we go to Missouri. Gulp. I already had a dream that I got into a fight with my parents...about someone taking a shower out of order, and I was the one in trouble. Meh.
3. I'm allergic to this place. Seriously, every day is a near sinus infection because of all the dust. Eight-ish months left.
4. I have decided to continue exercising. Joe can feel about himself all he wants, but I'm going to move forward. I drove to the park today to run, and only made it a mile and a half. I think I ate too close to the run, and I needed to pee as well (but the bathrooms were completely surrounded by bees). At least Maddie got to play on the playground when we were done...except that she was obsessed with the jobbing stroller and didn't do anything on the playground. I later did free weights for my arms, shoulder, and back. Booya.
5. Turns out Maddie is not napping right now and started making noise back in her crib, literally, right as Joe walked out the door for his run.
6. Weather news is all about how much it's going to cool down this weekend (snow in the mountains even)....when we're not here.
7. Don't smoke at a public park right next to the kids' playground. You pathetic old ass.
8. Hot spiced wine is AWWWWWESOME. We've been drinking it in the evenings, and it's cozy. I wasn't sure, but I highly recommend it.
9. Something good about this place is the German bakery. There's your positive. And Susan, if you read this, I did get my nougat ring yesterday. I ate it while taking a bath so Joe couldn't see.
10. One day I'm going to take an awesome vacation. If not with Joe, then by myself.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Say What?
It's another post that I would just love to start out with a slew of expletives. Bah. I'm gonna use this as a way to journal out some shit before bed. I'm having that issue again where I wake up in the night to pee and then start thinking about 500 things and end up awake, tossing and turning for an hour or more. Maybe if I clear my head out a bit before bed it'll help.
1. Joe talks about how fat he is ALL THE TIME. He really says nothing positive about his body, just that he's never been as fat as he is now. (No more Army, no more built in PT time.) I really don't think he looks bad. I love that he's broad and not scrawny, but I'll agree with him that his stomach tends to be a bit heftier now. Well, that said, here's what just happened: I was brushing my teeth as he got out of the shower. His stomach was completely puffed out and he made some derogatory remarks about it. Then he cracked on me, saying that I'm as fat as he is. Then he grabbed my stomach and conceded, saying that I'm almost as fat as he is. Given how he feels about his own body and then comparing me to him sucks. Given how I've really been trying to keep up some kind of workout (maybe not every single day like I did the first month), it sucks even more. But I have really been trying. I'm not a runner, but I've been getting out in this god damned direct sunlight with a one year old that I push in a stroller up and down hills (resistance both ways) at an elevation of 4600ft, sucking in air like it'll be my last breath.. And with that, I have been fucking running - about two miles an outing now. When I'm not doing that, I'm doing a video in the living room while Maddie naps. I have to make sure that I have enough time to also do housework and take a shower during those naps. But I guess all my efforts are for nothing. He apologized and told me I'm pretty and that he was just joking, and I appreciate that. But you can't undo what you said and did, especially when I know you this well and know when your jokes aren't just jokes. So, I figure my two choices are to get completely ripped and let the house/child go. Or run the proverbial lap well past him in the quest for fatness. Pun intended. Decisions, decisions.
2. Joe's stepmom. I don't know what to do with her. I try to stay over here on my side of town, but inevitably our paths must cross. She is some kind of tortured soul. She gets mad and hurt SO easily about things that don't pertain to her at all. She recently quit FB because of "negativity," to include (she doesn't know I know) one of my own statuses where I was happy about the Croat coming to town and said that for a few days Sierra Vista wouldn't suck. Yep. Even though she bitches about shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME. The hypocrisy over-floweth. My solution is to cut people like this out of my life. They stress me out, and I have no use for them. But she is family. Step-in law. The kind of family that you can't have it all out with (like your biological) and can't have your spouse deal with (his own biological). This is like the magic zebra of the family kingdom. We must move away from the magic zebra. It is no good.
3. Not having friends is starting to take its toll. I saw a normal looking mom at the playground yesterday with a boy Maddie's age, and I am seriously mad at myself for not engaging in more conversation with her. I feel like I let "the one" get away.
4. My kid is so clingy. It's just a phase; I know. But after a full day of whining and wanting to be held the.whole.day, I want to run away. I'm trying to find a part time daycare/mother's day out program now. I need a break, and she needs socialization (though we are going to the park more and more with other kids running around). I need socialization too, but....I'll pass.
5. I still can't believe Joe said that shit to me. He never comments on any positive change in my body, except that I'm more tan. And since I still can't fit well into two pairs of jeans, maybe there is no change. I think that might be worse. HOW CAN THERE BE NO CHANGE???? I'm taking measurements tomorrow. And possibly finding a meth dealer. Suck it, Joe. You dickhead.
6. I'm having the opposite of seasonal affect depression. (SAD is where you have depression during the gloomy winter months.) Well. I'm having seasonless rage. It is sunny here almost every day. Every fucking day. I don't remember the last time it rained. Everything is dusty and gross and sunny. Always sunny in Sierra Vista. I hate it. It was finally overcast for two days, and I thought I was in heaven. Not today. Back to being obnoxiously sunny. I checked the weather tonight, and it showed a chance for rain on Friday....the day we leave for MO. W.T.F.
7. It gets better right? No?
1. Joe talks about how fat he is ALL THE TIME. He really says nothing positive about his body, just that he's never been as fat as he is now. (No more Army, no more built in PT time.) I really don't think he looks bad. I love that he's broad and not scrawny, but I'll agree with him that his stomach tends to be a bit heftier now. Well, that said, here's what just happened: I was brushing my teeth as he got out of the shower. His stomach was completely puffed out and he made some derogatory remarks about it. Then he cracked on me, saying that I'm as fat as he is. Then he grabbed my stomach and conceded, saying that I'm almost as fat as he is. Given how he feels about his own body and then comparing me to him sucks. Given how I've really been trying to keep up some kind of workout (maybe not every single day like I did the first month), it sucks even more. But I have really been trying. I'm not a runner, but I've been getting out in this god damned direct sunlight with a one year old that I push in a stroller up and down hills (resistance both ways) at an elevation of 4600ft, sucking in air like it'll be my last breath.. And with that, I have been fucking running - about two miles an outing now. When I'm not doing that, I'm doing a video in the living room while Maddie naps. I have to make sure that I have enough time to also do housework and take a shower during those naps. But I guess all my efforts are for nothing. He apologized and told me I'm pretty and that he was just joking, and I appreciate that. But you can't undo what you said and did, especially when I know you this well and know when your jokes aren't just jokes. So, I figure my two choices are to get completely ripped and let the house/child go. Or run the proverbial lap well past him in the quest for fatness. Pun intended. Decisions, decisions.
2. Joe's stepmom. I don't know what to do with her. I try to stay over here on my side of town, but inevitably our paths must cross. She is some kind of tortured soul. She gets mad and hurt SO easily about things that don't pertain to her at all. She recently quit FB because of "negativity," to include (she doesn't know I know) one of my own statuses where I was happy about the Croat coming to town and said that for a few days Sierra Vista wouldn't suck. Yep. Even though she bitches about shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME. The hypocrisy over-floweth. My solution is to cut people like this out of my life. They stress me out, and I have no use for them. But she is family. Step-in law. The kind of family that you can't have it all out with (like your biological) and can't have your spouse deal with (his own biological). This is like the magic zebra of the family kingdom. We must move away from the magic zebra. It is no good.
3. Not having friends is starting to take its toll. I saw a normal looking mom at the playground yesterday with a boy Maddie's age, and I am seriously mad at myself for not engaging in more conversation with her. I feel like I let "the one" get away.
4. My kid is so clingy. It's just a phase; I know. But after a full day of whining and wanting to be held the.whole.day, I want to run away. I'm trying to find a part time daycare/mother's day out program now. I need a break, and she needs socialization (though we are going to the park more and more with other kids running around). I need socialization too, but....I'll pass.
5. I still can't believe Joe said that shit to me. He never comments on any positive change in my body, except that I'm more tan. And since I still can't fit well into two pairs of jeans, maybe there is no change. I think that might be worse. HOW CAN THERE BE NO CHANGE???? I'm taking measurements tomorrow. And possibly finding a meth dealer. Suck it, Joe. You dickhead.
6. I'm having the opposite of seasonal affect depression. (SAD is where you have depression during the gloomy winter months.) Well. I'm having seasonless rage. It is sunny here almost every day. Every fucking day. I don't remember the last time it rained. Everything is dusty and gross and sunny. Always sunny in Sierra Vista. I hate it. It was finally overcast for two days, and I thought I was in heaven. Not today. Back to being obnoxiously sunny. I checked the weather tonight, and it showed a chance for rain on Friday....the day we leave for MO. W.T.F.
7. It gets better right? No?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Ten on Tuesday
1. It's only fucking Tuesday????
2. I do not like living in the Southwest. I try not to complain too much. Okay, that might be a lie, but seriously. It's too hot, and while the mountains and the big sky are beautiful, I miss greenery and humidity. Neeeeeever thought I'd miss humidity, but it's so dang dry here that my couch makes my arm hairs stand up with static cling. Awful.
3. A perfect bit of down time to me would be this: It's chilly outside; I have an endless cup of coffee; I'm in a hot bath; no one else is home (not even the dogs); and I'm finally finishing the last 150 pages or so of The Game of Thrones.
4. The Croat was here last week, and it was wonderful. I hadn't seen her in two years, and a reunion was much needed. I swear to Jebus she can read my mind, as she knows me SO well. And now she knows my kid, which is really cool. I HATE that we live so far a part, as I do from all my friends (hate all our distances), and I spent the whole drive home being sad and angry after I dropped her off at the airport on Saturday. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own, but I still need my people. It's rough out here.
5. Speaking of friends, I met two ladies in their 60's from across the street. Apparently they do a ladies' lunch once a month with other women, and said they'd invite me. So, my new bff's may be women older than my mother.
6. Maddie whined a lot today. A lot.
7. She's walking more regularly inside now. We're trying to get her used to walking outside and in shoes. I spent $40 to get her a good, supportive early walker shoe, so her foot and the way she walks continues to develop appropriately. I spent about $35 on another pair for her today. Never thought I'd be spending that much on a shoe for her at this age, but whatever.
8. My hair is long. Too long. It hit me today that I've started wearing it in the same style as Amber from Teen Mom. You know, up high on top of my head. That realization hurt my soul, even though I do wear it better than Amber. Since I trust no one here to cut my hair, I've gone ahead and scheduled with my old stylist in Rolla for when we're home next month. Chopping.it.off.
9. We're going to Rolla next month. I'm having PTSD from a combination of our trip there last Christmas and Maddie's flight here over the summer. The horror.
10. I would like to take a vacation, either by myself or just with Joe. Turns out that's fucking hard to do, and even with four sets of parents, we hardly have anyone to watch our kid. It actually makes me mad at the family. Maybe that's not fair, but if my kids have kids, I will make sure to be around and handle the cost. I know what it's like to need a break, for the sake of being a good parent and partner. My best hope is that we move to Missouri next summer and can leave Maddie with my mother in law. But then I feel an hour and a half away from two sets of parents is almost too close. Twelve hours was good. Twenty hours is too far. I'd take four to six hours. Hmm.
2. I do not like living in the Southwest. I try not to complain too much. Okay, that might be a lie, but seriously. It's too hot, and while the mountains and the big sky are beautiful, I miss greenery and humidity. Neeeeeever thought I'd miss humidity, but it's so dang dry here that my couch makes my arm hairs stand up with static cling. Awful.
3. A perfect bit of down time to me would be this: It's chilly outside; I have an endless cup of coffee; I'm in a hot bath; no one else is home (not even the dogs); and I'm finally finishing the last 150 pages or so of The Game of Thrones.
4. The Croat was here last week, and it was wonderful. I hadn't seen her in two years, and a reunion was much needed. I swear to Jebus she can read my mind, as she knows me SO well. And now she knows my kid, which is really cool. I HATE that we live so far a part, as I do from all my friends (hate all our distances), and I spent the whole drive home being sad and angry after I dropped her off at the airport on Saturday. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own, but I still need my people. It's rough out here.
5. Speaking of friends, I met two ladies in their 60's from across the street. Apparently they do a ladies' lunch once a month with other women, and said they'd invite me. So, my new bff's may be women older than my mother.
6. Maddie whined a lot today. A lot.
7. She's walking more regularly inside now. We're trying to get her used to walking outside and in shoes. I spent $40 to get her a good, supportive early walker shoe, so her foot and the way she walks continues to develop appropriately. I spent about $35 on another pair for her today. Never thought I'd be spending that much on a shoe for her at this age, but whatever.
8. My hair is long. Too long. It hit me today that I've started wearing it in the same style as Amber from Teen Mom. You know, up high on top of my head. That realization hurt my soul, even though I do wear it better than Amber. Since I trust no one here to cut my hair, I've gone ahead and scheduled with my old stylist in Rolla for when we're home next month. Chopping.it.off.
9. We're going to Rolla next month. I'm having PTSD from a combination of our trip there last Christmas and Maddie's flight here over the summer. The horror.
10. I would like to take a vacation, either by myself or just with Joe. Turns out that's fucking hard to do, and even with four sets of parents, we hardly have anyone to watch our kid. It actually makes me mad at the family. Maybe that's not fair, but if my kids have kids, I will make sure to be around and handle the cost. I know what it's like to need a break, for the sake of being a good parent and partner. My best hope is that we move to Missouri next summer and can leave Maddie with my mother in law. But then I feel an hour and a half away from two sets of parents is almost too close. Twelve hours was good. Twenty hours is too far. I'd take four to six hours. Hmm.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Weekend Weirdness, Walking
When you go back to your hometown, it's like you go back to a different life. That said, it was weird enough when Joe went back to Rolla this weekend to visit with friends and attend parts of his 10 year high school reunion. I stayed home because this was primarily a reunion for him and two of his best friends. Also, I had no desire to attend his high school reunion. I have since rethought that decision, as Joe got black out drunk at the reunion, and I couldn't reach him for a bit (he'd asked me to). Some sort of combination of gin and tonics beforehand and then a bartender who at the reunion admitted to having a childhood crush on him and thus giving him free drinks to....celebrate the admission of her crush? And then in the days since, I've seen him in pictures on FB hanging out with folks at the reunion, etc.
It makes me wish I'd been there first and foremost to be out as a couple, socializing together because I don't think we've done enough of that lately. We have absolutely got to find more opportunities to do that. It would be helpful if we didn't live here because this place is a shithole, but what can ya do. Second, my presence would have also prevented the whole blackout college style drinking he stumbled into, though I'd rather not be his damn babysitter. However, I'm pretty sure his hangover cured him of ever doing that again, as did me yelling at him, "WHAT IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO MADDIE, AND I NEEDED TO REACH YOU???????" Last of course, I could have given that bartender the evil eye. Or, drink the free drinks Whatever.
It's been insanity here by myself. Though I came so very close to committing a never before over-the-phone murder, I'm glad Joe is coming home. Single parenthood isn't my favorite. Also, I was desperately trying to unpack the rest of our boxes and get the house cleaned for the Croat's arrival this week. Until I realized today that she's coming next week. Can you tell I'm burning out at life? I need a vacation. A true vacation. Google "Iceland Blue Lagoon Spa." I want to go to there. But seriously. I couldn't be more excited for the Croat to be visiting next week.
Oh yeah - Maddie took her first couple steps today!!! I was so excited, yet bummed because Joe wasn't here. I didn't discourage her because she was working so hard, but I didn't encourage her, despite REALLY, REALLY wanting to because I felt like I should wait for Joe. Poor Joe. He missed it. It was in the evening too when he'd be well off work for the day. She just kept pushing up and standing on her own, waiting, balancing, falling, repeating. (This after she's been surfing around the edges of the furniture for months and months.) Then after she found her balance, she start to pivot her feet. I immediately texted Joe, and as I was doing that, she took two steps toward me and then fell into my arms. We were both so excited and squealing. She knew she'd done something pretty great. Later in the night she took a few more single steps. I tried to explain to the dogs that their world will now truly be ending, and I think they're starting to get it. Ha. Man, I can't wait for tomorrow evening so we can all "walk" with Maddie together. Awesome day for parenting!
It makes me wish I'd been there first and foremost to be out as a couple, socializing together because I don't think we've done enough of that lately. We have absolutely got to find more opportunities to do that. It would be helpful if we didn't live here because this place is a shithole, but what can ya do. Second, my presence would have also prevented the whole blackout college style drinking he stumbled into, though I'd rather not be his damn babysitter. However, I'm pretty sure his hangover cured him of ever doing that again, as did me yelling at him, "WHAT IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO MADDIE, AND I NEEDED TO REACH YOU???????" Last of course, I could have given that bartender the evil eye. Or, drink the free drinks Whatever.
It's been insanity here by myself. Though I came so very close to committing a never before over-the-phone murder, I'm glad Joe is coming home. Single parenthood isn't my favorite. Also, I was desperately trying to unpack the rest of our boxes and get the house cleaned for the Croat's arrival this week. Until I realized today that she's coming next week. Can you tell I'm burning out at life? I need a vacation. A true vacation. Google "Iceland Blue Lagoon Spa." I want to go to there. But seriously. I couldn't be more excited for the Croat to be visiting next week.
Oh yeah - Maddie took her first couple steps today!!! I was so excited, yet bummed because Joe wasn't here. I didn't discourage her because she was working so hard, but I didn't encourage her, despite REALLY, REALLY wanting to because I felt like I should wait for Joe. Poor Joe. He missed it. It was in the evening too when he'd be well off work for the day. She just kept pushing up and standing on her own, waiting, balancing, falling, repeating. (This after she's been surfing around the edges of the furniture for months and months.) Then after she found her balance, she start to pivot her feet. I immediately texted Joe, and as I was doing that, she took two steps toward me and then fell into my arms. We were both so excited and squealing. She knew she'd done something pretty great. Later in the night she took a few more single steps. I tried to explain to the dogs that their world will now truly be ending, and I think they're starting to get it. Ha. Man, I can't wait for tomorrow evening so we can all "walk" with Maddie together. Awesome day for parenting!
Friday, October 5, 2012
Welcome. To the Machine.
September was a rough month maritally speaking. I'm finally coming up for air to talk about it for a minute. I don't want to say it wasn't me, but it wasn't me. Joe quit chewing tobacco, as you know, but what you (and I) may not have realized was that chewing tobacco was his coping mechanism for everything. And he was very, very good at sneaking around to do it. He never chewed around us, technically speaking, but he would chew in the mornings before we got up and/or on the way to work. He chewed at work, and sometimes on the way home. During his long stretches at home, he utilized his long stretches in the bathroom and quite literally would take a quick dip on the can. I had no idea it was this much. No idea.
And so enter a world where dipping is no more: mood swings, lashing out, not being able to satisfy an oral fixation, and not having an appropriate way of coping with sadness, madness or even happiness. Additionally, he's been feeling lost with what to do for a long-term career, which just spiraled things even further downward. I spent a lot of September being his whipping boy. It was not fun. He was two Joes, only one of whom that I could talk to and reason with. I wanted to support him in his tobacco free lifestyle but not by being a door mat. After a while I told him that I wouldn't live like this for much longer, waiting to be attacked at any moment, etc. I also told him that I would go back to work, support myself and Maddie, and that he was out of his fucking mind if he thought Maddie wouldn't go where I go, even if it meant hiring a spectacularly expensive lawyer. That apparently got his attention, and things have been better. He knows I love him dearly but can't live with someone who randomly explodes and takes everyone down with them. I have already done that.
Now the lash outs are much less frequent and are quickly followed with an apology instead of a defense. He's joining me in the healthier lifestyle, working out after work and eating better. He's finding better, more appropriate ways to cope with life, and because of all that, we are better able to communicate together. I think it's also been difficult for him being out of the Army and transitioning to civilian ways of life, and so as more time goes on, the easier it is for him. Thank God.
Joe is currently on his way to Missouri for a little R&R with old friends he hardly got to see while in the Army. I'm hoping he has a great time and clears his mind even further. It's hell not having help with Maddie, even for just a long weekend, but I'm glad he's out of here for a bit. Hopefully the darkness is all behind us. I'm not saying the rest of our marriage is going to be roses (have we met?), but whatever comes our way, I hope we can stick together like we usually do instead of one looking at the other through cross hairs.
And so enter a world where dipping is no more: mood swings, lashing out, not being able to satisfy an oral fixation, and not having an appropriate way of coping with sadness, madness or even happiness. Additionally, he's been feeling lost with what to do for a long-term career, which just spiraled things even further downward. I spent a lot of September being his whipping boy. It was not fun. He was two Joes, only one of whom that I could talk to and reason with. I wanted to support him in his tobacco free lifestyle but not by being a door mat. After a while I told him that I wouldn't live like this for much longer, waiting to be attacked at any moment, etc. I also told him that I would go back to work, support myself and Maddie, and that he was out of his fucking mind if he thought Maddie wouldn't go where I go, even if it meant hiring a spectacularly expensive lawyer. That apparently got his attention, and things have been better. He knows I love him dearly but can't live with someone who randomly explodes and takes everyone down with them. I have already done that.
Now the lash outs are much less frequent and are quickly followed with an apology instead of a defense. He's joining me in the healthier lifestyle, working out after work and eating better. He's finding better, more appropriate ways to cope with life, and because of all that, we are better able to communicate together. I think it's also been difficult for him being out of the Army and transitioning to civilian ways of life, and so as more time goes on, the easier it is for him. Thank God.
Joe is currently on his way to Missouri for a little R&R with old friends he hardly got to see while in the Army. I'm hoping he has a great time and clears his mind even further. It's hell not having help with Maddie, even for just a long weekend, but I'm glad he's out of here for a bit. Hopefully the darkness is all behind us. I'm not saying the rest of our marriage is going to be roses (have we met?), but whatever comes our way, I hope we can stick together like we usually do instead of one looking at the other through cross hairs.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Beggars
It seems like lately that there are a shitload of baby contests, and my Facebook feed is filling up with "please vote for my child" in 987 different contests. Guess what? I have an absolutely adorable child. Truly, ask anyone. But I don't enter her into those friggin' contests because I don't want to be annoying asking for votes. Gahhhhhhhh.
The other thing is asking for prayers. Now I am happy to pray for those that really need it, but then it's all like 'uh, ya know, I stubbed my toe today please pray for me.' Shut.the.fuck.up. SERIOUSLY. Some things I think you and God can handle, no? A little perspective: my stepmom has been seriously ill for the last six years. All sorts of neuropathy, unexplained infections, heart episodes fluid retention, etc, myelin and axonal depletion, a pain management plan that cannot go any higher because it could kill her, and more hospital stays than your family has fingers and toes. Well, then this week she gets hit with the finding of a mass on her lung. Why her, right? On top of everything else. And while she never asks for anything, she did ask for prayers. Because it's a big deal. A big damn deal. I'll certainly send up a few. So should you.
Whew. Okay. Now I feel better. I probably look like an asshole, but I'm pretty used to that.
It's been a day. We registered to vote at the Republican HQ in town. That felt wrong. I don't think it would have been any better at the Democratic HQ. I don't have a whole lot of faith in either party. Then after that we spent half an hour picking up a Rx of mine from CVS following the placement of my foot in someone's ass yesterday. In a week's time they couldn't get my Rx transferred from GA, but after a brief "chit chat" on the phone yesterday afternoon, I have my meds here with me at the house today. Funny how that works. I'm pretty pleased with our civilian insurance too...90 day supply of BCP for only $14. Right on.
Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to have for dinner (well not really working on that) while I listen to Maddie not nap back in her crib. She's only 14 months old and technically not really even that. I thought we'd have a little longer before she dropped her second nap. I'm terrified. And people with babies the same age as Maddie are already pregnant with their next kids. Whoa. I couldn't do it. I mean I guess I'd have to if there were an accident. But....the thought of a little baby along with mighty Maddie right now...even more terrifying. Y'all, pray that my BCP keeps working. ;-) SeewutIdidthar?
I'm still exercising. Over the weekend I did a max run just to see. It looks like I'm pretty well done after about 2.5 miles. I'm surprised I made it that far because I REALLY wanted to quit. My first run after that big one was yesterday, and it sucked. I made it about 1.5 miles in 18 minutes. The sun was just damn beating down on me, no shade, and my legs felt like bricks going up and down the many hills. No bueno. Today I did a little cardio sculpt video with weights (trying to incorporate more strength training), and it was okay. That makes tomorrow another run day, so we'll see what happens.
Boom.
The other thing is asking for prayers. Now I am happy to pray for those that really need it, but then it's all like 'uh, ya know, I stubbed my toe today please pray for me.' Shut.the.fuck.up. SERIOUSLY. Some things I think you and God can handle, no? A little perspective: my stepmom has been seriously ill for the last six years. All sorts of neuropathy, unexplained infections, heart episodes fluid retention, etc, myelin and axonal depletion, a pain management plan that cannot go any higher because it could kill her, and more hospital stays than your family has fingers and toes. Well, then this week she gets hit with the finding of a mass on her lung. Why her, right? On top of everything else. And while she never asks for anything, she did ask for prayers. Because it's a big deal. A big damn deal. I'll certainly send up a few. So should you.
Whew. Okay. Now I feel better. I probably look like an asshole, but I'm pretty used to that.
It's been a day. We registered to vote at the Republican HQ in town. That felt wrong. I don't think it would have been any better at the Democratic HQ. I don't have a whole lot of faith in either party. Then after that we spent half an hour picking up a Rx of mine from CVS following the placement of my foot in someone's ass yesterday. In a week's time they couldn't get my Rx transferred from GA, but after a brief "chit chat" on the phone yesterday afternoon, I have my meds here with me at the house today. Funny how that works. I'm pretty pleased with our civilian insurance too...90 day supply of BCP for only $14. Right on.
Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to have for dinner (well not really working on that) while I listen to Maddie not nap back in her crib. She's only 14 months old and technically not really even that. I thought we'd have a little longer before she dropped her second nap. I'm terrified. And people with babies the same age as Maddie are already pregnant with their next kids. Whoa. I couldn't do it. I mean I guess I'd have to if there were an accident. But....the thought of a little baby along with mighty Maddie right now...even more terrifying. Y'all, pray that my BCP keeps working. ;-) SeewutIdidthar?
I'm still exercising. Over the weekend I did a max run just to see. It looks like I'm pretty well done after about 2.5 miles. I'm surprised I made it that far because I REALLY wanted to quit. My first run after that big one was yesterday, and it sucked. I made it about 1.5 miles in 18 minutes. The sun was just damn beating down on me, no shade, and my legs felt like bricks going up and down the many hills. No bueno. Today I did a little cardio sculpt video with weights (trying to incorporate more strength training), and it was okay. That makes tomorrow another run day, so we'll see what happens.
Boom.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Latest Deets
Well, I made it to my 29th birthday (last week). Which was good. Much better than expected, actually. It also concluded my first month of exercise. Now I'm almost to the end of my 5th week, and I'm now able to jog 1.72 miles without stopping. Additionally, some of my clothes are starting to loosen up. Unfortunately those do not include a pair of low rise jeans that I'd had high hopes for. Perhaps a post-baby body is not meant for such rises. I don't know. But whatever.
I said I started this to just fit into my clothes better, so I didn't bother with weighing myself or taking measurements. I still don't care that much about the weight, though I did try to find the scale (to no avail) in the last few boxes we've yet to unpack. That said, I DO with I'd taken measurements. I actually meant to have Joe's help with that back at week two, but I forgot. Oh well.
What I am glad I've done is record all my workouts. I love that there is a place to do that on sparkpeople.com. When you can see what you're accomplishing, it truly does make you want to do more. I've also downloaded a free fitness app (endomondo sports tracker) onto my phone to track the specifics of my walks and runs, which is awesome. I started off running only three minutes at a time with intermittent walking intervals, but now I can run without stopping. Well, not forever and not without quite a bit of effort, but today as I mentioned earlier, I ran for 20 minutes straight for a grand total of 1.72 miles. I'm only five weeks in and proud that 2 miles is right around the corner. It's not the fastest time, but I'm out there. And that's with a stroller in front of me and at an elevation of 4600+ feet! I feel better in general and have something to be proud of myself for. Being a wife and mom is great, but I need this for myself, even more so than just being able to fit into my pants again. Here, be inspired: (PS. Working on increasing the strength training...finally got some weights.) Cheers.
I said I started this to just fit into my clothes better, so I didn't bother with weighing myself or taking measurements. I still don't care that much about the weight, though I did try to find the scale (to no avail) in the last few boxes we've yet to unpack. That said, I DO with I'd taken measurements. I actually meant to have Joe's help with that back at week two, but I forgot. Oh well.
What I am glad I've done is record all my workouts. I love that there is a place to do that on sparkpeople.com. When you can see what you're accomplishing, it truly does make you want to do more. I've also downloaded a free fitness app (endomondo sports tracker) onto my phone to track the specifics of my walks and runs, which is awesome. I started off running only three minutes at a time with intermittent walking intervals, but now I can run without stopping. Well, not forever and not without quite a bit of effort, but today as I mentioned earlier, I ran for 20 minutes straight for a grand total of 1.72 miles. I'm only five weeks in and proud that 2 miles is right around the corner. It's not the fastest time, but I'm out there. And that's with a stroller in front of me and at an elevation of 4600+ feet! I feel better in general and have something to be proud of myself for. Being a wife and mom is great, but I need this for myself, even more so than just being able to fit into my pants again. Here, be inspired: (PS. Working on increasing the strength training...finally got some weights.) Cheers.
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| For Sunday, 9/23/2012 |
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| For Monday, 9/24/2012 |
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| For Tuesday, 9/25/2012 |
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| For Wednesday, 9/26/2012 |
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| For Thursday, 9/27/2012 |
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| For Friday, 9/28/2012 |
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| Walking: 3.3 mph (18 minutes per mile) | 23 | 6 |
Monday, September 17, 2012
Un-gyming It
It's starting to sink in that I might be able to stick with my current fitness plan. It's all out of my home and neighborhood, and it's all free. So far. I'm watching craigslist like a hawk for some weights to purchase. But anyway. Yes. It is good.
For the last two weeks, I've averaged a little over 300 minutes of exercise per week. I have continued to do the something in the morning, either with Maddie or during her first nap (it's gonna suck when she goes to just one nap), and then a family walk in the evening. The morning exercise usually alternates days between walk/jogs outside and a video inside. Last week I did some more of the videos on sparkpeople (diggin' the pilates), as well as the plyometrics video from P90X (that I already own). I read that plyometrics (explosive jumping, leaping, bounding) is a good cross training exercise for running, as well as a good calorie burner. Annnd, that video was damn hard. I didn't remember how hard. I actually split it up into two days with just a little overlap. I figured if it was to help my running (jogging) get better, then doing the whole video and not being able to move at all, much less run, the following day was pointless. Plus, I don't have time for a whole hour during Maddie's nap. I have other crap I gotta do. But anyway. My walk/jogs are slowly turning to just jogs. On Friday, I ran two 7 minute intervals with one 2 minute interval of walking between them. Today, I ran one 11 minute interval and one 4.5 minute with one 1.5 minute interval of walking between them. Granted, I'm running really slow - about a 12 minute mile, but speed is not the goal for now. Instead, the goal is just being able to run for an amount of time without any walking intervals (aside from cool down, etc), so I'm doing well. It feels good. The house is becoming utterly neglected, but I'm not anymore.
Along with fitness comes nutrition, and I've been trying like hell to cook healthy stuff, not eat out, and have healthy things around to snack on. I am killing the fruit and nuts around here!! Also, salads are becoming a lot of fun with our meals due to making my own dressing. So simple: a little olive oil, some fresh squeezed lemon juice, minced garlic &/or shallot with some salt and pepper, and it's on. Additionally, I still haven't been keeping any sweets in the house, other than Joe's candy for quitting tobacco. I do indulge on the weekends, but that's the only time.
This weekend it was one medium blizzard, one kit kat bar, and one small pumpkin spice latte. The kit kat bar was stupid; I bought it because I was pissed off at Joe. I then ate it in front of him yesterday evening, just daring him to say something. He did not. I won, right? Riiiight. The pumpkin spice latte was a Friday treat after re-tagging my vehicle with a damn AZ plate (only $190 to drive around in this goddamn city for a year!), and I had not had any coffee at home that day (which is how/where I normally drink my coffee because our coffee maker is awesome and tastes better than damn Starbucks). I don't know if I'll continue with the pumpkin spice latte. It's too damn pumpkiny. I usually get home and cut it with our left over coffee (thermal carafe so it doesn't taste like shit; again, it's awesome). I could probably just make it at home, healthier and better tasting. As for the blizzard, I love ice cream, and only having it once a week is a delicate friggin' dance of willpower. I will not give that up. I could probably go for a small, but Joe insisted on medium, and I was not having a smaller size than him!
So in a nutshell, that's how things are going with the fit-back-in-my pants plan. I can now get into all of them and zip and button. Just gotta keep working on the overhang. Family life is a little weird right now. Joe is two weeks tobacco free, and we're still exploring to see who the real Joe is under all those years of tobacco. Seriously, he is not himself in all this. There are periods of mania and then just as quickly exhaustion. He is very sensitive to things I say but has no empathy in regards to what he says to me. Also, his gas is still horrible. Now these things are not constants; sometimes I have a sweet husband who can stay awake for more than five minutes when we finally have time to hang out. BUT, the majority of the time I do not, and instead find myself married to a narcoleptic gaseous asshole. Peaks and valleys. VALLEY.
But my kid is awesome. Brought her home from the hospital a year ago today! One day I might even finish her birth story.
GOOD NIGHT.
For the last two weeks, I've averaged a little over 300 minutes of exercise per week. I have continued to do the something in the morning, either with Maddie or during her first nap (it's gonna suck when she goes to just one nap), and then a family walk in the evening. The morning exercise usually alternates days between walk/jogs outside and a video inside. Last week I did some more of the videos on sparkpeople (diggin' the pilates), as well as the plyometrics video from P90X (that I already own). I read that plyometrics (explosive jumping, leaping, bounding) is a good cross training exercise for running, as well as a good calorie burner. Annnd, that video was damn hard. I didn't remember how hard. I actually split it up into two days with just a little overlap. I figured if it was to help my running (jogging) get better, then doing the whole video and not being able to move at all, much less run, the following day was pointless. Plus, I don't have time for a whole hour during Maddie's nap. I have other crap I gotta do. But anyway. My walk/jogs are slowly turning to just jogs. On Friday, I ran two 7 minute intervals with one 2 minute interval of walking between them. Today, I ran one 11 minute interval and one 4.5 minute with one 1.5 minute interval of walking between them. Granted, I'm running really slow - about a 12 minute mile, but speed is not the goal for now. Instead, the goal is just being able to run for an amount of time without any walking intervals (aside from cool down, etc), so I'm doing well. It feels good. The house is becoming utterly neglected, but I'm not anymore.
Along with fitness comes nutrition, and I've been trying like hell to cook healthy stuff, not eat out, and have healthy things around to snack on. I am killing the fruit and nuts around here!! Also, salads are becoming a lot of fun with our meals due to making my own dressing. So simple: a little olive oil, some fresh squeezed lemon juice, minced garlic &/or shallot with some salt and pepper, and it's on. Additionally, I still haven't been keeping any sweets in the house, other than Joe's candy for quitting tobacco. I do indulge on the weekends, but that's the only time.
This weekend it was one medium blizzard, one kit kat bar, and one small pumpkin spice latte. The kit kat bar was stupid; I bought it because I was pissed off at Joe. I then ate it in front of him yesterday evening, just daring him to say something. He did not. I won, right? Riiiight. The pumpkin spice latte was a Friday treat after re-tagging my vehicle with a damn AZ plate (only $190 to drive around in this goddamn city for a year!), and I had not had any coffee at home that day (which is how/where I normally drink my coffee because our coffee maker is awesome and tastes better than damn Starbucks). I don't know if I'll continue with the pumpkin spice latte. It's too damn pumpkiny. I usually get home and cut it with our left over coffee (thermal carafe so it doesn't taste like shit; again, it's awesome). I could probably just make it at home, healthier and better tasting. As for the blizzard, I love ice cream, and only having it once a week is a delicate friggin' dance of willpower. I will not give that up. I could probably go for a small, but Joe insisted on medium, and I was not having a smaller size than him!
So in a nutshell, that's how things are going with the fit-back-in-my pants plan. I can now get into all of them and zip and button. Just gotta keep working on the overhang. Family life is a little weird right now. Joe is two weeks tobacco free, and we're still exploring to see who the real Joe is under all those years of tobacco. Seriously, he is not himself in all this. There are periods of mania and then just as quickly exhaustion. He is very sensitive to things I say but has no empathy in regards to what he says to me. Also, his gas is still horrible. Now these things are not constants; sometimes I have a sweet husband who can stay awake for more than five minutes when we finally have time to hang out. BUT, the majority of the time I do not, and instead find myself married to a narcoleptic gaseous asshole. Peaks and valleys. VALLEY.
But my kid is awesome. Brought her home from the hospital a year ago today! One day I might even finish her birth story.
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| This is how we end dinner. She's not actually pulling boogers out; she's just resting her finger there. After of course she's run her food-covered hands through her hair and thrown food on the floor for the dogs. So hard to keep a straight face and tell her no. Love this kid. |
GOOD NIGHT.
Monday, September 10, 2012
From GA's Armpit to the Pimply Behind of AZ
Earlier when I was thinking about what I would write about in this blog, I decided to hit on three subjects, throwing in a quick fourth at the very beginning. Now that I'm writing, I can only remember what the fourth one was. No clue about the three main topics. Hmm.
The fourth and now sole subject is regarding Joe. I just wanted to tell you all, in case anyone was worried after my last post, that Joe can read this blog at any time. It's not hidden. In fact, I've encouraged him to read it in the past. But he doesn't. Still, what I wrote isn't anything I haven't already discussed with him. Indeed, "in sickness and in health." And to update you all, the gas is better now. Because he didn't eat like shit this weekend!!!!
Now to make up some stuff to round out this blog.
1. I had to actually buy some clothes for Maddie this weekend. More like place an order because there is shit in this town. Ah, that was one of my three topics: this town (I title my posts after I've written them...and then add in these little tidbits after that). But whatever. I've never really bought Maddie clothes before. A few things here or there, but we've always had a stockpile of new stuff other folks have bought or hand-me-downs that we were given. I so wish we had more of the stockpile. Buying new sucks, but I did find some good deals at kohls.com. So much, though, that I almost couldn't stop. It's like a sickness. Alas, though, it's nice to buy her some stuff and not worry that she's going to puke (remember the reflux?) all over it. Now, it's all what will still look good after strawberries have been smashed into it??
2. This town. Yeah, I almost cried when I couldn't find cannolis earlier. I was willing to take some cheap ass grocery store cannolis but none of the stores carry them here. Wha? Which was the nail in the coffin for this place. I took Columbus for granted. Most everything I needed was a ten minute max drive away. I didn't have to order crap from Kohl's because I could drive there in between Maddie's naps. Now everything is a drive to Tucson, and granted it's only a little over an hour, it's still a little over a damn hour. With a one year old, everything is a production, and riding in the car for more than five minutes is a feat some days. And it's not just that I don't have stuff. I don't want to sound like a city mouse; it's also that this town has no real personality. It's just a shitty town that popped up after they put an Army post here. The mountains are all it has going for it. If they weren't here, I'd have already started self-harming. They're beautiful, and at night, you can see lights moving around on them as the illegals/drug smugglers and Border Patrol play grab-ass together. Charming.
3. Fitness. (I think that was one of my topics as well.) I should have written last night when I was pumped up about it because today I didn't do anything (except housework, which is still moving), and then once I found my cannolis (three minis), I ate them. Without apology. I don't keep sweets in the house anymore, and if I want a treat or two over the weekend after a really good week of exercise and clean eating, then that's what I'm going to do. I believe I got in 308 minutes of exercise this last week, so YEAH.
4. My kid. Yep, that was the third topic. Instead of writing about my exercise stuff last night, I wrote about her. But then I got tired and couldn't finish the post. It seemed weird to post it today when the feeling of motherhood wasn't as intense. It was a good, warm fuzzy post. You really have to be in the right mood for that sort of thing. I'll summarize here instead:
There is nothing like a new, tiny baby. Such an overwhelming and frazzling love. But, at a year old, the personality really starts to show. It's becoming a lot more fun. I've always loved this kid, but there are more moments of laughter now and just really seeing who she is becoming. Just in little ways. Like the ways in which she doesn't miss a beat. The ways in which she screams a happy ear-piercing scream at the dinner table and then puts her finger in her own ear. And just that she really, really likes us. She has no reason to either. She got stuck with us, and she's making the best of it, really. Or in other words, she loves us unconditionally. Mostly For now. She'll get older, and by god, there will be conditions (at least topically). There kind of was a condition the other day when she fell off the couch while sitting right next to me. I was trying like hell to look at something (not even FB) on the laptop and not paying as much attention to her as I should have been. Wouldn't ya know she bailed off head first. Even after she has practiced lowering herself feet first a zillion times. I almost wonder if she reached for me an missed. Cringe. It took her a good half hour to warm back up to me, and that was both new and horrific. Joe loved it, though. For a fleeting moment, he was #1. She laid on him (actually held still for five seconds) and let him love on her all the while having her gaze fixed on me. She really was pissed at me, or maybe not even that. It was almost more of hurt and broken trust. Heartbreaking stuff. But, so yeah, it's mostly unconditional love (except when I'm a bad parent), so for now, I'm going to soak up as much of this baby love as I can.
The fourth and now sole subject is regarding Joe. I just wanted to tell you all, in case anyone was worried after my last post, that Joe can read this blog at any time. It's not hidden. In fact, I've encouraged him to read it in the past. But he doesn't. Still, what I wrote isn't anything I haven't already discussed with him. Indeed, "in sickness and in health." And to update you all, the gas is better now. Because he didn't eat like shit this weekend!!!!
Now to make up some stuff to round out this blog.
1. I had to actually buy some clothes for Maddie this weekend. More like place an order because there is shit in this town. Ah, that was one of my three topics: this town (I title my posts after I've written them...and then add in these little tidbits after that). But whatever. I've never really bought Maddie clothes before. A few things here or there, but we've always had a stockpile of new stuff other folks have bought or hand-me-downs that we were given. I so wish we had more of the stockpile. Buying new sucks, but I did find some good deals at kohls.com. So much, though, that I almost couldn't stop. It's like a sickness. Alas, though, it's nice to buy her some stuff and not worry that she's going to puke (remember the reflux?) all over it. Now, it's all what will still look good after strawberries have been smashed into it??
2. This town. Yeah, I almost cried when I couldn't find cannolis earlier. I was willing to take some cheap ass grocery store cannolis but none of the stores carry them here. Wha? Which was the nail in the coffin for this place. I took Columbus for granted. Most everything I needed was a ten minute max drive away. I didn't have to order crap from Kohl's because I could drive there in between Maddie's naps. Now everything is a drive to Tucson, and granted it's only a little over an hour, it's still a little over a damn hour. With a one year old, everything is a production, and riding in the car for more than five minutes is a feat some days. And it's not just that I don't have stuff. I don't want to sound like a city mouse; it's also that this town has no real personality. It's just a shitty town that popped up after they put an Army post here. The mountains are all it has going for it. If they weren't here, I'd have already started self-harming. They're beautiful, and at night, you can see lights moving around on them as the illegals/drug smugglers and Border Patrol play grab-ass together. Charming.
3. Fitness. (I think that was one of my topics as well.) I should have written last night when I was pumped up about it because today I didn't do anything (except housework, which is still moving), and then once I found my cannolis (three minis), I ate them. Without apology. I don't keep sweets in the house anymore, and if I want a treat or two over the weekend after a really good week of exercise and clean eating, then that's what I'm going to do. I believe I got in 308 minutes of exercise this last week, so YEAH.
4. My kid. Yep, that was the third topic. Instead of writing about my exercise stuff last night, I wrote about her. But then I got tired and couldn't finish the post. It seemed weird to post it today when the feeling of motherhood wasn't as intense. It was a good, warm fuzzy post. You really have to be in the right mood for that sort of thing. I'll summarize here instead:
There is nothing like a new, tiny baby. Such an overwhelming and frazzling love. But, at a year old, the personality really starts to show. It's becoming a lot more fun. I've always loved this kid, but there are more moments of laughter now and just really seeing who she is becoming. Just in little ways. Like the ways in which she doesn't miss a beat. The ways in which she screams a happy ear-piercing scream at the dinner table and then puts her finger in her own ear. And just that she really, really likes us. She has no reason to either. She got stuck with us, and she's making the best of it, really. Or in other words, she loves us unconditionally. Mostly For now. She'll get older, and by god, there will be conditions (at least topically). There kind of was a condition the other day when she fell off the couch while sitting right next to me. I was trying like hell to look at something (not even FB) on the laptop and not paying as much attention to her as I should have been. Wouldn't ya know she bailed off head first. Even after she has practiced lowering herself feet first a zillion times. I almost wonder if she reached for me an missed. Cringe. It took her a good half hour to warm back up to me, and that was both new and horrific. Joe loved it, though. For a fleeting moment, he was #1. She laid on him (actually held still for five seconds) and let him love on her all the while having her gaze fixed on me. She really was pissed at me, or maybe not even that. It was almost more of hurt and broken trust. Heartbreaking stuff. But, so yeah, it's mostly unconditional love (except when I'm a bad parent), so for now, I'm going to soak up as much of this baby love as I can.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Washers, Water, and Assholes
Well. I tried. But I couldn't do it. Though I used to never floss, I now cannot go to bed for one night without doing it. I just can't stand having crud between my teeth. I've come along way from the kid who used to refuse to even brush my teeth. Yep, I passed the parental breath check by just putting some toothpaste on my tongue and swishing it around in my mouth. Then I got a cavity. Oh Maddie, learn from Mama's mistakes.
I think this is going to be a ranting post. And it's going to start with cloth diapers, which is going to seem like I'm speaking a different language, but bear with me. So, when/if you cloth diaper your kids, you need three things: a decent washer, decent water, and cloth diaper detergent. In Georgia, I had all of those things, but here in Arizona, I have only ONE, and it is making me go slowly insane. Why not just switch to "sposies"??? Because I can't. I have used them on occasion when I've had to, but I can't do it just 'cuz.' I cannot consistently contribute to 500 years worth of crap in a landfill. I recycle. I reuse, and damn it all, I am trying like hell to reduce. The issues here are that the water is very hard and that the rental came with a HE front loading washer. So, I have water that is super hard to get a lather in, and a washer that uses hardly any water. Not a good combo for getting clean diapers. I'm all for being green, but I want my diapers fully submerged in good sudsy water! That's impossible right now, but I do use a special hard water formula cloth diaper detergent. Guess what? it has trouble with the idiot washer. First, I battled stink issues with my inserts. (I use "pocket" diapers, which are a shell shaped like disposables, but have a flap where you stuff in the inserts that absorb the pee. Follow?) What was happening was that I was getting detergent build up in my inserts (because of the washer's inability to properly rinse), and when that happens you get this bacteria thing going in those layers of fabric, which only gets worse when your kid actually pees into the inserts. Then you have full blown ammonia. And it is awful. Your kid can even get ammonia burns from it, and I think Maddie did at one point. Thank God for CJ's BUTTer. Anyway. You have to strip them to get all the crud. I boiled mine, and after much manipulation with detergent (special ordered what I have now) and amounts and calgon (water softener) as well as manipulating my wash cycles to use the most water possible, I have kept it under control.
Alas, I thought my shells (the thing you stick the inserts in) were okay amidst all of my other issues. I've been washing them separately and watching through the washer door, noting when there'd be no more suds and that the water was clear (properly rinsed). However, those goddamn things started repelling water after the last wash, which I was kind of in denial about until this evening when Maddie seemed to pee through her sleeper, sleep sack, and all over the sheet. This happened earlier too during naps today (though not as bad). Well, I finally grabbed a shell from the basket and took it to the sink to flick some warm water on it. It rolled right off, and I know that with the kind of material it is, it does need pressure to absorb. So to be sure, I went and got the dirty diaper that Maddie had just peed through and pulled out the inserts. The bottom one was just a little damp, not saturated like it should be for her to have peed all over everything. SOOOOOOOOO. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Repelling too is caused by build up, so now I have my shells soaking in a hot water blue Dawn bath. Because blue Dawn not only saves oil covered sea life, it saves cloth diapers too. (You can't boil the shells, or they will melt.) Tomorrow I get to hand wash them, rinse them a zillion times, and then pray to jebus they no longer repel. You're welcome, world.
My other main issue right now also happens to be a bathroom issue. More like a collateral damage bathroom issue. I go to the bathroom just fine and have an average amount of BMs and flatulence. Good to know, eh? My husband on the other hand does not. He has IBS, and I believe he also has Celiac's (can't process gluten...his grandmother has been formally diagnosed, and he seems to inherit all of her recessive genes). He also has issues with dairy. While I have cooked fairly healthy (and mindfully of his ailments) this week, Joe's work has been forcing him to eat out quite a bit. No really, his boss hand fed him Olive Garden earlier today. Shoved those raviolis right down his throat. No wait. That's now how that works. They've had occasions to eat out, and Joe has made horrible choices. And if you're all like 'Kate, give Joe a break, and let the man eat,' here is my issue: he has horrible stomach cramps and gas THE WHOLE TIME HE IS AT HOME. He tries to go to the bathroom and can't. Just gas. GAS GAS GAS. AND WE HAVE GONE IN WAVES LIKE THIS OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE. So much of the last 5-7 year, I have spent smelling shit. I walk through a room, minding my business, and I hit a wall. It's as if someone has soiled themselves right in the house. I've even woken up in the middle of the night thinking that Joe has crapped the bed. The smell wakes me up. It's awful. But it's not just about the smell. It's also about how much time is spent in the bathroom. He just sits in there, waiting. I don't know his exact success rate, but I know it's inversely proportional to the time spent trying. C'mon, man. I just feel like if I had an illness like this, I would learn to cope with it the best way possible. Of course there'd be days were I'd say the heck with it and eat an extra large bowl of pasta covered in cheese, but for the sake of my own well being, as well as that of my family and our cohabitation, I would stay the hell away from things that I know trigger me. So Joe is sleeping on the couch tonight, not only because our bed is hurting the hell out of his back again, but because he has horrible, horrible gas.
That leads me to my final rant of the night: We gotta get a new damn bed. Do not ever, ever, EVER get a Serta. I'm finally going to say it... We spent $3000 on this mattress. Yeah. Because no big deal, it's gonna be a 20 year investment, right? WRONG. It is shit. We could have spent that much and gotten a tempur-pedic right off the bat. I'll be doing even more research this go-round. Last time I thought we were doing well to test all the mattresses...laying on them...going home...coming back, continuing to narrow it. I also thought getting a big name brand mattress was a safe bet. WRONG AGAIN. So, after not even four years, we have to do something, and I intend to research the hell out of it.
Oh wait, I have one more rant. Seriously. Then I'm dunzo. You know how the property manager from GA was going to refund me more of my deposit back and said he'd even return an extra amount that I did not ask for? Well, if you didn't know, that was the deal. The lawn care refund was $120, and then he was refunding me an extra $20.60 from something else. For the record, I never asked for that $20.60, but I did not turn it down when it was offered. I got my check in the mail today...for $120. What's with the lip service, dick? I sent him an email. I didn't ask for the rest of the money; I simply let the man know that the amount he specified was not the amount received. I didn't call him a liar, but men can easily be made to feel like liars. And they hate that. We'll see if I get the rest of what was promised to me. If not, then he really is a damn liar.
Whew. So much better. I'll soon update with more positive content. Like how my kid is finally getting a tooth, making the baby dentures I was going to ask my sister for for Christmas no longer necessary. Additionally, my fitness regime is going nicely, and I'd love to tell you more about it. In the meantime, enjoy my aforementioned pain.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
257
That's how many minutes I worked out last week. And that doesn't include house work or baby wrangling. That's how much time I was able to devote to actual exercise. According to my tracker, it also says that I burned 1035 calories in those minutes, but I'm not so sure. The calorie counter is just an added bonus that I look at as a high estimate. For me this is more about how my clothes fit and how I feel. After only a week, there's not so much of a difference in how my clothes fit, but I feel like I might have a little more energy and a lot more motivation.
Additionally, I'm starting to get into the fitness videos on sparkpeople.com. The other morning I did a bollywood dance video followed by a beginner pilate video. I enjoyed both, and while I'm not very coordinated for the dance stuff, whatever I was doing kept me moving, and that's what counts. There's even an option under each video to add the workout to your fitness tracker. Very handy. Tomorrow I have to wait on another repairman in the AM when I'd normally do my walk/jog. Also, my knee is a bit wonky. So, I will stay home and do a video or two later while Maddie naps. I've already been looking through them tonight. I think I'm excited about it. What? I'd also like to do a yoga one with Joe one evening. Yes.
Speaking of Joe, he has made it past the initial 72 hours of being tobacco-free. That is supposedly the hardest part of the whole quitting thing. Nights are the worst, but none as bad as that first night I wrote about. He did a little research to try to figure out what to expect in all of this, and arming himself with a little knowledge really helped. He has handled his freak-outs MUCH better knowing that they are normal and usually don't last more than three minutes at a time. Or something like that. I bought him lots of hard candy to keep his mouth busy and pretty much gave him free reign to overall just eat whatever. So far so good. However, tomorrow he returns to work where a member of his team dips, so we'll see what happens. I told him that if he cheats tomorrow, he should just not come home. Seriously. This was a team effort all damn weekend, and while I am not the one having withdrawals, I helped head off any potential triggers. (Read: I walked on fucking egg shells all weekend.) It doesn't mean he can't come home the next day, but tomorrow will definitely be off the table.
PS. I've already worked out 54 minutes this week. Today I jogged 14 of 34 minutes, at one time jogging right past a snake laying in the shade of the gutter off the side of the road. After letting out a surprised scream mid-stride, I noted the snake never moved, which leads me to believe it was dead. Joe says it was just shading itself. He also says it was a rattlesnake. I did not let him take a closer look to confirm, as neither of us had any anti-venom, nor a clean pair of shorts. And I certainly wasn't going to go look. Indeed, the west is wild. Hooray for exercise!
Additionally, I'm starting to get into the fitness videos on sparkpeople.com. The other morning I did a bollywood dance video followed by a beginner pilate video. I enjoyed both, and while I'm not very coordinated for the dance stuff, whatever I was doing kept me moving, and that's what counts. There's even an option under each video to add the workout to your fitness tracker. Very handy. Tomorrow I have to wait on another repairman in the AM when I'd normally do my walk/jog. Also, my knee is a bit wonky. So, I will stay home and do a video or two later while Maddie naps. I've already been looking through them tonight. I think I'm excited about it. What? I'd also like to do a yoga one with Joe one evening. Yes.
Speaking of Joe, he has made it past the initial 72 hours of being tobacco-free. That is supposedly the hardest part of the whole quitting thing. Nights are the worst, but none as bad as that first night I wrote about. He did a little research to try to figure out what to expect in all of this, and arming himself with a little knowledge really helped. He has handled his freak-outs MUCH better knowing that they are normal and usually don't last more than three minutes at a time. Or something like that. I bought him lots of hard candy to keep his mouth busy and pretty much gave him free reign to overall just eat whatever. So far so good. However, tomorrow he returns to work where a member of his team dips, so we'll see what happens. I told him that if he cheats tomorrow, he should just not come home. Seriously. This was a team effort all damn weekend, and while I am not the one having withdrawals, I helped head off any potential triggers. (Read: I walked on fucking egg shells all weekend.) It doesn't mean he can't come home the next day, but tomorrow will definitely be off the table.
PS. I've already worked out 54 minutes this week. Today I jogged 14 of 34 minutes, at one time jogging right past a snake laying in the shade of the gutter off the side of the road. After letting out a surprised scream mid-stride, I noted the snake never moved, which leads me to believe it was dead. Joe says it was just shading itself. He also says it was a rattlesnake. I did not let him take a closer look to confirm, as neither of us had any anti-venom, nor a clean pair of shorts. And I certainly wasn't going to go look. Indeed, the west is wild. Hooray for exercise!
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