Welcome. To the Machine.

September was a rough month maritally speaking.  I'm finally coming up for air to talk about it for a minute.  I don't want to say it wasn't me, but it wasn't me.  Joe quit chewing tobacco, as you know, but what you (and I) may not have realized was that chewing tobacco was his coping mechanism for everything.  And he was very, very good at sneaking around to do it.  He never chewed around us, technically speaking, but he would chew in the mornings before we got up and/or on the way to work.  He chewed at work, and sometimes on the way home.  During his long stretches at home, he utilized his long stretches in the bathroom and quite literally would take a quick dip on the can.  I had no idea it was this much.  No idea.

And so enter a world where dipping is no more:  mood swings, lashing out, not being able to satisfy an oral fixation, and not having an appropriate way of coping with sadness, madness or even happiness.  Additionally, he's been feeling lost with what to do for a long-term career, which just spiraled things even further downward. I spent a lot of September being his whipping boy.  It was not fun.  He was two Joes, only one of whom that I could talk to and reason with.  I wanted to support him in his tobacco free lifestyle but not by being a door mat.  After a while I told him that I wouldn't live like this for much longer, waiting to be attacked at any moment, etc.  I also told him that I would go back to work, support myself and Maddie, and that he was out of his fucking mind if he thought Maddie wouldn't go where I go, even if it meant hiring a spectacularly expensive lawyer.  That apparently got his attention, and things have been better.  He knows I love him dearly but can't live with someone who randomly explodes and takes everyone down with them.  I have already done that. 

Now the lash outs are much less frequent and are quickly followed with an apology instead of a defense.  He's joining me in the healthier lifestyle, working out after work and eating better.  He's finding better, more appropriate ways to cope with life, and because of all that, we are better able to communicate together.  I think it's also been difficult for him being out of the Army and transitioning to civilian ways of life, and so as more time goes on, the easier it is for him.  Thank God. 

Joe is currently on his way to Missouri for a little R&R with old friends he hardly got to see while in the Army.  I'm hoping he has a great time and clears his mind even further.  It's hell not having help with Maddie, even for just a long weekend, but I'm glad he's out of here for a bit.  Hopefully the darkness is all behind us.  I'm not saying the rest of our marriage is going to be roses (have we met?), but whatever comes our way, I hope we can stick together like we usually do instead of one looking at the other through cross hairs.