I Love You, Frank

Old School is on right now, and I'm happily watching it. Unfortunately, it's playing on TBS, which means a lot of my favorite parts have been reworded. Ah well.

Things are better today. They always are the next day, huh? And Joe is the man I thought I married. I just have to kick his ass around every once in a while to remind him what he's capable of. Hey, I married a good guy, and I'm going to hold him to that. Anyway. Since we lost a couple days together, he's going to come home a couple days earlier - tomorrow. Selfishly, I'm very glad, though I do want him to spend time with his family. However, with X amount of time until deployment and me not making the trip, I guess it's okay to be selfish. Plus, with him having extra time to actually be home during the week, there's a ton of things he could help me with before he leaves, especially in getting ready to [hopefully] move. I found a nicer/safer house/neighborhood to rent in (it'd be suitable to stay in until we leave Benning), and I'm trying to work out the logistics of paying off our current lease early, that is if we're approved for the new house. Joe can now work on that stuff while I'm at work tomorrow. Yay! And even though I'm working, I should get off around 3:00pm to have the afternoon with him.

What else? I have cleaned the shit out of this place in the last 2-3 days. My shower did get scrubbed (in case anyone was wondering). Baking soda, water, and a little green or SOS pad are all you really need, and you won't pass out. I sprayed everything down with a vinegar water solution to start, which made the scrubbing easier. Even did the curtain. It's clean as hell. Since then, I have sorted papers - filing, recycling, and shredding accordingly, dusted, vacuumed, washed clothes, washed sheets, washed all of Dexter's stuff, cleaned under his kennel and sorted his toys. Additionally, I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, mopped both bathrooms, cleaned up the yard and mowed, picked up groceries, picked up Dex's special dog food from PetSmart, and finally picked up the dog. Speaking of, it's his guesstimated first birthday today (according to the Humane Society)!! Woohoo. I couldn't find a doggy bakery to get him a cupcake or something, so instead I got him a beef bone with apple peanut butter filling. He loved it and ran around a bunch both inside and out. Currently, he's passed out on the couch with his head oddly positioned and is snoring softly. It was hanging off the side, but he lifted it to this. :-)


I feel like I'm ready to pass out as well, and I may begin to work toward that goal shortly. Also, for those that don't know, my phone has snapped in two. Turns out that will happen when you throw it (though it was already starting to break a part - two year old phone). Anyhow. I have rigged the bottom half to work on speaker phone. But of course, I have no screen. If you call, leave a message and possibly your call back number since I might not know it by heart, ahem, Mom (sorry I don't know it by heart). That said, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend with beautiful weather!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I want to write everything and nothing both at the same time. This day - these last weeks - it's all been emotionally fucked up on so many levels. I've heard it said that some marriages get to a point early on when you just look at one another and think, "Who the hell are you?" We are so there. It would probably cleanse me to write it all out, but this isn't the best medium. And yet, it's really the one I want to use. Bah.

Without giving too much explanation, our standby flights to STL didn't work out, and I didn't get to go. I have been super depressed all day long about not going. Of course, Joe is there, so...yeah.

Tonight I've listened to Madonna's "Hung Up" about 572 times and have completely denounced The Proclaimers in that their hit "I'm Gonna Be" is bullshit. The bitter part of me wants to scream from the mountain tops to all the women in the world, "Hey, no man is going to walk 500 miles for you or any other chick, not literally, nor figuratively. He probably won't even try. If you want or need to get something done or feel another way, you must do it yourself. There's no counting on anyone else. And if you want the companionship, go buy a dog. Lord knows I'm more used to Dex being home than my damn husband. But yeah, that's my spiel. The only problem with this is that I know men do exist that would walk 500 miles in either of the aforementioned respects. I'm just not sure that I'm married to one of those anymore...

"Sir, if you don't leave me alone, I will commit you."

And imagine that said by a small Indian doctor. To a big, delusional black dude.

Anyhow. I'm chugging coffee right now so I can motivated to go clean my bathroom. Yes, my bathroom. Because even though Joe showers in this bathroom regularly, it never crosses his mind to maybe scrub the tub. Seriously, when I brought up the fact that the bathroom needs to be cleaned, he commented on how it was all my mess and was deer in headlights when I explained otherwise. Well, all around the sink is my mess, and he really doesn't use the toilet much in there (IBS boy uses his own bathroom for that). BUT HE SHOWERS IN "MINE" ALMOST EVERYDAY, which as you all know is the worst thing to clean. Oh, and if we start dividing up chores by who makes the mess, than I guess I won't be doing anymore of Joe's laundry or washing his half of the dishes, etc. Yeah, I'll have to give him a good beating later, but for now I'm working on my caffeine high. It's the only way I'll be able to get my scrub on.

In other news, we completed our vacation without killing each other. It turned out to be alright. Mostly. But I don't think you'll hear me complain about a lack of honeymoon again anytime soon. I've already been brainstorming about which of my friends have been married long enough to vacation away from their husbands with me. I see Susan and me doing a winery tour, and surely I can get the Croat to take me to Croatia. Yes, I will still travel, just not with Joe until I can get him on a good mood stabilizer.

Speaking of mood stabilizers, I've been back at work since Saturday, and it has been off the chain busy. I don't know what mid-July does to people, but they're all coming off their meds and/or are suicidal. We've really been slammed. And if I sat down and tallied how many people I talk to on a daily basis that want to kill themselves or have attempted, then I'd probably have to start buying a lot more gin. Gah. And for all you people who think mentally ill people are too reliant on meds, fuck you. I totally believe in counseling as well (I'm an MSW for Christ's sake) and think it should be used in conjunction with medication; medication isn't the end all, nor is it always necessary. But seriously, if you think it's completely unnecessary to medicate folks, spend the day with a woman who has a mood disorder and is swinging from anger to complete euphoria to tears in a matter of minutes or try to convince a schizophrenic that the voices in his head aren't real and that God doesn't want him to stand on the railroad tracks, waiting for the train to come so he can die. Try it. You will beg and plead for the doctor to order up some drugs. Ten minutes of that kind of stuff, and you'll start considering meds for yourself too. But anyway. I have 3.5 hours left of actual work this week and half an hour of training. Woot.

On Friday night, we're flying up to STL for Mike Mulia's wedding. We didn't get quite the Delta deal I thought we would with Joe's [pilot] dad being able to get us some passes, but $150 for two tickets is still pretty good. Hotel deal wasn't bad either. Also, Mike's wedding is in the afternoon, so I already have a dress. Were it an evening wedding, I'd have to go find something new, and I just don't have the time (or money). But let's not forget - Mike is getting married to a great gal, and we are in fact genuinely happy for him. This coming from me probably sounds like sarcasm, but I'm serious. I guess the Mike we all sorta knew in HS wasn't the "real" Mike, though in the relationship he's in currently, he can be himself and happy. It's good. I know I'm seeing him more now for who he really is, especially when I see him, though he doesn't know I have or anyone else, nearly fall over a piano bench when we're all having a visit back home - it makes me think, "Hey, I like this guy." That said, our wedding gift to him is still going to be our presence (hey, even I'm going now) and Joe's tux rental - combined which is around $500. Good enough, I'd say.

And so, my peeps, that's my life right now. I also want to say a quick thank you to those of you who posted on my previous blog. Things weren't so hot, and I appreciated all your good words. I wrote a comment saying as much and more, but I'm not sure who clicks back after they've already posted to begin with (I don't). Still, thank you. Guess I'd better get on that bathroom now...

Beach Blog

Yeah, I'm blogging while I'm on vacation. It's something that I enjoy doing, and since I actually have a little free time, I'm going to take advantage here. Also, it's a red flag beach day due to weather, so we can't get in the water today because of strong currents associated with wacky thunderstorms. Yeah. Mean looking clouds are rolling in as I type this, and it's getting darrrrk.

Weather aside, this vacation has been interesting so far. I guess Joe and I haven't had a whole lot of time together lately. When he's been home on the weekends, I have been at work. However, the time we have spent together at home has been very good, and I did not anticipate having any issues here at the beach. How naive of me. Bah. In the three to four arguments that we've had since the drive down on Saturday, I have deduced this: Joe's job has been getting to him more than he has let on lately, and it's exacerbating some of our existing issues. Yes, be shocked - I have control issues. I have been very independent for a very long time, whereas Joe has not been. At least not to the degree I have been. We even began our relationship having fairly different responsibilities as young adults. For example, when Joe and I began dating, he was still living in a dorm, while I was in my fourth year in an off-campus apartment. I've sort of always had more domestic responsibilities, and it's been hard for us to find a balance. Now that Joe is in the Army it's even harder. Sure, we're a married couple living together now, but he doesn't have time to take care of a lot of stuff at home. So I do it. And that further unbalances things. I don't really know what to do about it. I try with the little stuff. Like, I try to show Joe the excel bill spreadsheet and show him our costs, etc so as to keep him in the loop even though he doesn't have the time to devote to tracking and paying everything. Also, I let him know when rent is due and when I've paid it (it's the only bill that requires actually physically dropping off a check). I also try to let go of things around the house. Joe has taken over the lawn mowing, which I know he enjoys. We've also started grilling more lately, which I can see he loves as well. I even showed him how to wash and trim chicken last week (in hopes that he can take over a few dinners)...and I walked away and did not hover over him while he did it.

I guess the bottom line is that I know I have issues, and I am trying to work on things. I know sometimes I act like Joe doesn't know how to do anything. I'm not sure why I do that. It may be because I'm a bitch and am mean. It maybe be because Joe often does not take the initiative to take care of things sometimes, though I find later he really does know how to do the task - hello, car maintenance (yes, I do much of that too). Or, it may be because I find out that there are odd little things that he really doesn't know how to do, which shocks me because in my little family o' my sis and me, it's something we've been handling for years - the cooking and household chores. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to be tactful in how I handle these issues and not treat Joe like he's stupid. I'll be honest - I'm not always good at it. But I'm trying, and I'm making a conscious effort not to micro-manage. I sound sick, don't I? Well, I'm owning it, so don't preach at me.

With the stress of Joe's work (which I'll not go into detail here - it's the Army - use your imagination) if there's even a hint of me making Joe out to be incompetent or an unequal in our relationship, he will sort of lash out at me. Yesterday, I told him he'd acted a little weird when we went to go pick up a pizza. The cashier asked him a question, and he totally stopped, turned his head, and stared at me, as if I had the answer. And the question was "Do you both want a drink?" My drink was the first that was ordered, so I knew I wanted one. But when he stopped and stared at me, it was almost like he was looking at me to say whether or not he wanted a drink. I didn't really reply, and the whole thing was some sort of misunderstanding. I dunno. But the fact that I said Joe had acted "weird" really set him off. He compared me to his family and "every other girlfriend" he's ever had. Because none of them have ever thought he was weird. Dude. I was dumbstruck. I felt the same way when he got real mad at me yesterday when I added "Shore" as my middle name to my facebook profile. He got so mad, and I could not understand why. He thought I didn't want to be a Mulia or something, (EVEN THOUGH I LEGALLY CHANGED MY NAME TO MULIA) but really I just wanted old friends to be able to look me up on FB. (Of course, his reaction pissed me off, so I dropped Mulia altogether).

So anyway. I don't really know what's going on. This is a side of Joe that I've never seen before. He's not an angry guy, but the past 24-48 hours have been a little off the chain. That said, I AM an angry gal sometimes, but with that self-awareness and knowing when I'm a bitch, I thought I'd been pretty chill lately. I was really looking forward to this vacation and hopefully it'll get better. I guess it's going alright today, but who knows what Joe is thinking.

And so chilren, welcome to married life and the true meaning of needing a vacation from your vacation. I miss Dex and am looking forward to going home.

My Rent is Due

Beach Trip May 2007

Wow. I haven't written in about a month I guess. This has been one of the busiest times that I can remember. I ended up working a bunch of weekends and then during the week as well. It's been busy as hell with work, and even when I don't work a full day, I come home and collapse, exhausted. There is usually no down time at work - you're just on all the time - someone always needs something - always something to be done. By that, my house has suffered. Oh lord. It never gets fully cleaned. I get parts of it cleaned, and then by the next day it's starting to get gross again. I blame a lot of that on Joe and Dexter. :-)

Speaking of Dexter, he and I are home together today. I'm supposed to be at work, but I've been sick since last weekend, and I'm finally taking a sick day today. Unfortunately it looks a little too convenient since I have tomorrow off through Saturday July 10. Oh well. When I called my boss this morning, she didn't even know who I was. (My voice is that bad today.) But isn't it interesting how when you're legitimately sick, you still feel guilty about not going to work? What a bizarre work culture we have here...

But forget work. Joe and I are finally going on a little trip. Hooray! Honestly, though, I am having the "poor me" thoughts. Like, why did I have to get sick now? Bah. I tried like hell to kick this shit on my own before finally deciding I should see a doc. I tried for two days to get in on post, to no avail. The next opening for my doc is July 13. After much phone calling between my Benning doc's office and Tricare, I was finally permitted to go to urgent care off post yesterday, so after 2.5 hours of the doctor's office visit and then trying to get all my scripts to come through at the pharmacy, I came home with meds. And it dawned on me as I was driving home from the pharmacy, that the grueling processes of doctor's appointments and trips to the pharmacy are best suited for people who are 100% healthy. Oh well. I now have big beautiful blue antibiotic pills and a lovely nasal spray to boot.

Tomorrow is our "get ready" day before heading to the beach on Saturday. I don't know what we were thinking leaving everything to be done in one day. Just kind of how we roll I guess - in stupidity. We need to shop - I want more beach clothes - tanks, etc, and possibly a new swim suit. Also, we need to buy cheap groceries at the commissary to cart down with us for the week, and therein lies the beauty of being able to drive to the beach - you can pack a cooler of your own shit from home instead of having to grocery shop as soon as you get there. But anyway. That reminds me - I did ask the pharmacist about drinking with my antibiotics while I'm on my vacay. I was told that since they're morning pills, I should be alright for a drink by afternoon or evening - just no binging. Now that's a good pharmacist!

Happy 4th everyone!