Butterfly in the Sky

Kickin' it old school tonight.  Here I am laying down in bed with the laptop ready to blog away.  Joe Joe Dickhead is in Atlanta for training this week, and the baby is sleeping (knock on wood).  I'm alone in my room!!!!!  Joe's only been gone since early yesterday but in single parent land, this is already two nights of putting Maddie to bed.  And she tends to be a little cray cray in the evenings.  It's actually been going really well, though.  The house is already cleaner than it usually is.  I've run a couple errands.  Sold some shit through a local online yard sale.  And of course, I've taken care of all three of my babies.  It's been...pretty great.  If nothing else, it's a self-confidence booster to know that I'm not a complete hot mess of a mother and when I have to, I can go it alone.  Granted, there is the afternoon wall that Maddie and I both seem to hit.  Today it occurred as her continuous refusal to nap hit its peak.  I swear it went something like this:

I will not nap at all today.
I will not nap no matter way you say.
I will not nap in my crib.
I will not nap wearing my bib.
I will not nap after solid foods.
I will not nap on your boob.
I will not nap,
SO FUCK YOU, MOM.

And let me tell you something else about sweet little Maddie.  She likes to claw while she eats.  I'm not joking.  I'll try to give her a wash cloth or something to hold in her hands to keep them busy.  It's like Bob Dole meets Wolverine.  If her hands are free, she is raking them up and down your clothes, face, hands.  I try to guide them to the bottle in an effort to have her hold it herself.  No dice.  I've thought about ordering those big gloves for people who handle birds of prey. And I do trim her nails.  Jerks.  Just another something they don't tell you before you have kids...

Tomorrow is Leap Day.  Watch out for the Leap Day fish man.  Just sayin'.

It should be a crazy day around here.  Gonna meet up with a lady who wants to buy a baby outfit from me.  Then, I'm gonna return a high chair and hit the grocery store.  If I can swing it, my plan is to take dinner (that I make) over to a friend's house.  Trying to cook is probably a terrible idea, but I'm feeling a bit Super Woman-ish.  My first mistake.  My second is probably in dealing with the public.  The online yard sale is enough to make me want to tear my hair out.  Dumb bastards on there.  But I want their money.  And to de-clutter my house.  I have been stood up multiple times by people who are supposed to get something from me, especially this chick named Lisa Marie who is my new personal enemy.  Other folks have been great, and I've made about $30 in the last week without really trying.  I know that's not much, but it's just extra.  The part I hate is actually the back and forth logistics...like this after a lady asked where we could meet up so she could buy something from me:

• Me: Hey. I frequently meet people at the Schomburg Rd Publix. However, I also have to go over to the Target area at some point soon anyway if that's closer for you.
• Her: thats alot closer so just let me know when
• Me: Target? I think that's what you were referring to. We can meet up tomorrow. Maybe around 1 or 2?
• Her: that will be great ....sorry i thought i put target on there lol
  
  Uhhh.. So what time are we meeting?? And round and round we go. And I hate "lol."
  
  And now my type format is messed up.  I've been sitting here for a while trying to fix it.  I give up.
  
  But not before ending on a good note:  I love my kid.  She is hilarious.  Today I taught her how to grab hold of Dexter with her claw hands.  :-)  I love my husband too...but everybody needs a little time away.  :-)
  
  
  

Are there every times that you think you're making perfect sense but get the feeling that everyone around you thinks you're nuts?  Yeah, I think everyone has probably experienced this.  It's maddening, especially when you don't know if you've had enough sleep to really trust your emotions.  Ugh.

Thanks for the comments from the previous post.  I do let myself cry and be upset but then have an actual dialogue about it.  We had a lot of "talks" that Friday, and things seem to be better...for now.

This weekend pretty much revolved around our dryer.  The damn thing stopped heating again, so we said no more.  We had it in our heads that we would buy a brand new washer and dryer.  We read reviews and ratings until we were cross eyed.  We sat at Lowe's and stared into the abyss of "shiny and new," calculating a $1500 bill minimum.  And after all that, we came home and bought a new to us dryer off Craigslist for $100.  Yep.  Works great.

In between all that, securing the dryer hose so that a rat stops making its home in it, as well as taking care of - ya know - our baby, we barely did shit else.  We did go to dinner at a friend's house tonight.  It was a good time but would have been better if it hadn't pushed Maddie's bedtime back by about two hours.  I started to lose my mind in realizing that our routine was going to be completely turned upside down.  We have to have a routine; it's the only thing that keeps some of our sanity intact.  Joe drank happily and played with his friend, while I started to white knuckle it and grit my teeth.  I don't know how to coordinate something like that properly because how do you accept a dinner invitation and then dictate what time you eat....  "Hey, we need to eat about 5:30pm because our baby goes to bed at 7."  And I'm not down with trying to get her bedtime started at someone else's house because then we just come home, wake her up in the process, and start all over.  We survived, though.  I'm doing my best to be flexible with a child.  However, with Joe leaving tomorrow for the week, I would have liked to have gotten things at the house more squared away.

Oh well.

Break Everything. Run Away.

Some days I just want to smash this house up and leave.  Today is one of those days.  I opine that Joe is being a big bastard, and I want to pack Maddie up and get away from him.  But then it seems like that will just make things more exhausting for me.  Plus, I'd have to make sure my sister would be cool with me (us) coming.  Only 5.5...or maybe just 5 hours away now?

It's been the longest short week ever.  Joe was late every day this week, and spent the night at work on Wednesday.  He had a big inspection to prepare for, err, re-do, as one of his former subordinates who turns out was grossly incompetent, screwed up the whole thing.  That guy needs a judi chop. 

So Joe is tired from a long work week (off today), and I am tired from a long baby week.  Perhaps my expectations are unrealistic, as I expect him to 'soldier' on and help me with Maddie even though he's tired.  I'm tired too.  And I was tired over Christmas break when I lost TWO FULL NIGHTS OF SLEEP TO DRIVING.  And when I had to do day driving within the state of Missouri while he got to hang out and have a full day off.  I never got that luxury.  But I kept going.  Had to. 

Maybe I'm just a narcissistic bitch, but I tend to believe that I keep this household afloat.  He came up to me this morning when I was filling out our property tax assessment form and asked what it was.  He'd never seen one before.  Because he's never had to fill one out before.  I do it.  I do lots of everything, except have a job for which I get paid.  And not only do I do lots of shit, but I really don't get anything special.  We did jack shit for our anniversary in Dec, as we were on the way home from MO.  For Valentine's Day, I said no to flowers and had previously said the only thing I wanted was Godiva truffles.  He messed that up.  He hasn't bought me jewelry since 2007, and that was a watch.  I didn't want a diamond engagement ring, and I picked out our wedding bands.  (Keeping score is bad for your relationship, by the way.)  But my point is this:  I don't ask for a whole lot.  I don't want/need a whole lot.  I don't really go clothes shopping anymore.  I don't buy jewelry.  I hardly ever buy make up.  I don't have to have the newest, latest of anything.  But a few surprises here and there...just thoughtfulness or proof that one listens would be nice.  I feel under-appreciated and like I'm losing my mind.  I feel like I married a great guy who is becoming a great jack ass.  I'm probably doing the same I guess. 

Well, Joe's off buying a new suit for job interviews, and I'm sitting here with my hair pulled up, wearing in sweatpants.  The baby's crying over the monitor.  I just want to sit and feel sorry for myself, but no time I suppose.  The crying baby will just have to be my something special for now. 

Breakless

I don't really sleep well at night.  I usually don't get more than 2-3 hours of sleep in a row.  It sucks.  Maddie times it to wake up right as I go to bed usually - no matter the time.  So I get up and re-plug her.  Then sometimes I hear her again a few hours later.  Sometimes I just wake up on my own.  Then of course Joe gets up at 4am, and I have to get up to pump before morning. 

This weekend Joe slept in the other room with the monitor, and I got glorious sleep for the first time in weeks!  Of course the downside is that he is now exhausted...I guess she woke up quite a bit last night.  So he's taking a nap, while I'm trying to prepare for grocery shopping.  Except that now I have to take care of Maddie...who won't nap for longer than 15-20 minutes in a row right now.  I was looking at recipes and trying to make a list while listening to her on the monitor, thinking "Damn, we could really use a third person."  Now she's crying.  I'm certain I'll just run to the store and throw a bunch of shit in the cart, not making the most cost-effective choices and inevitably forgetting vital items.  I hate grocery shopping and really don't enjoy cooking anymore.  There aren't many things I enjoy lately mainly due to lack of time.  Everything is "hurry, hurry, hurry and tend to the baby..."

My mom was going to come out at the end of this month.  I found a plane ticket at a great price, and it would have been perfect.  Joe and I would have had a chance to go out before his TDY week, and we'd have Mom to help for both things.  God, I could just cry right now.  Shoot, maybe I am.  Getting no break is really hard.  I feel like we'd be better parents if we did.  Not to mention we could catch up a little with everything else.  I know we'll never get caught up and stay caught.  I know lots of things will never be the same.  But to never have a break unless the other is helping....it's kind of depressing.  Of course, the family is far away, and our friends here have kids of their own - lots are new parents themselves.  Or they work.  Or otherwise have lives of their own.  I'm thinking it's time to find a babysitter, but it kind of terrifies me.  Gah.  Oh well.  Need to stop venting here and try to do something productive.  I hate Sundays.

Babies Are Hoarders?

So lately I have figured out that Maddie needs to be on a nap schedule.  It seems that the screaming fits we go through EVERY night with her bedtime routine are because she is over-tired.  At least that's our best guess.  It also seems like she starts getting tired at 7pm...so by the time we do our 8pm bedtime routine, she is super pissed off.  After a little research I found something that said babies 5-7 months old have about two hours of wakefulness before they need a nap.  I haven't really been paying attention to the clock...just let her sleep when she gets sleepy.  I guess now I have to be a little more aware and make sure she's going down before the freak outs start.

On top of this nap thing, we're also starting solids.  We do rice cereal in the morning and a real "solid" in the afternoon.  Currently, it's peas.  So what you're supposed to do is bottle feed or nurse your baby first, and then wait half an hour to an hour to do the solids.  This is because your baby is supposed to continue to get its nutrients primarily through your milk/formula until age 1.  So you want them to get their regular meal, and then the solids.   But with my kid, it sometimes takes her an hour to finish her bottle.  Then if I wait half an hour or an hour, we start moving into nap time.  It seems I could literally be feeding/napping her all day long.  GAHHHHHHHH.  And lately she seems to time my preparation of the peas with passing out.  Earlier I literally walked into the room with the peas ready to feed her and she was zonked out.  And still is currently.  When she wakes up it'll be almost time for the next feeding.  So?  Fuck.

And don't even get me started with baby toys and clothes.  There is so much crap for babies.  I really do try to keep it simple.  I returned a bunch of her outfits that she got for Christmas.  What am I going to do with a zillion nice, two+ piece outfits when my kid pukes all day long?  It is easier for me to just have her in a sleeper or onesie and call it good.  And a lot of those that I do use are second hand.  Let's send her to college one day, not dress her to the nines at 6mo old.

As for the toys, holy hell.  What is with the over-packaging??  I think I spend longer trying to take crap out of the packages than Maddie does playing with it.  And why does she need 800 toys anyway??  Books: give us books.  She's not always that into them, but I keep forcing them on her while she flails and grabs the pages.  Also, she loves just singing time, and that's free.  Every time I sing the ABCs she stops and smiles.  It was one of the first "kid" songs that I ever sang to her...cuz it's the only one I could remember.  Old McDonald is a favorite as well, and one that I can draw out and be creative with.  She loves that crap.  Babies really don't need a lot of stuff.  And hell, between the eating and sleeping, you throw in a diaper change and some tummy time with maybe a book or a song and what else do you really have time for anyway??  Okay, Maddie's up now and hitting buttons.  Not proofing this.  Goodbye.

Maddie's Mom

I'm in bed now.  Moments ago I was standing over Maddie's crib as I do every night, watching her chest rise and fall, accompanied tonight by a slight leg kick.  I could see her tiny features from the night light on our Angel Care monitor.  Her soft, big cheeks and peacefully closed eyelids, body diagonally across the crib with the top of her sweet head rammed into the crib slats.  Every night I try to not go in there one last time before I get in bed.  I don't want to risk waking her.  But I can't not go in there.  I have to know, have to see that she is okay one last time.

It's also a nice way to look over the day, so to speak.  A quiet moment where I can look her over and forget all the craziness - the screaming and crying that she did just hours before.  Instead, I can remember how she played in her exersaucer and smiled and laughed while I talked to her.  It still amazes me that  my voice can provoke such a sweet response from this little person.  I can also remember how after she got up this morning I brought her into my bed and snuggled her for a bit.  And finally, how after she finished her second to last bottle for the night, I sat holding her while she just quietly watched me, touching my face intermittently.  She likes to touch our faces now. 

This kid is something else.  The reflux is awful, and sometimes after the millionth puke, I have to put her down so I can leave the room and cry.  It seems silly to cry over puke...but if you have a baby with bad reflux then you know it isn't.  There's a lot of hectic, crazy, lose-your-mind moments of the day.  I read a blog talking about how for some of us moms, there is no "enjoy every moment."  Instead, there are the special moments that you can return to at the end of a day.  I try to remember to think about these moments and not let the days just bleed into each other with tears and pukes.  Motherhood is hard.  Really damn hard.  Some days I wonder if I shouldn't have just adopted another dog.  I'm being honest.  But at the end of the day when I see her sweet, sleeping body and think about all our special moments from the day.  Well, it makes me teary.  It's a reminder that my heart is now on the outside of my body.  And I look forward to the next day.