Maddie's Mom

I'm in bed now.  Moments ago I was standing over Maddie's crib as I do every night, watching her chest rise and fall, accompanied tonight by a slight leg kick.  I could see her tiny features from the night light on our Angel Care monitor.  Her soft, big cheeks and peacefully closed eyelids, body diagonally across the crib with the top of her sweet head rammed into the crib slats.  Every night I try to not go in there one last time before I get in bed.  I don't want to risk waking her.  But I can't not go in there.  I have to know, have to see that she is okay one last time.

It's also a nice way to look over the day, so to speak.  A quiet moment where I can look her over and forget all the craziness - the screaming and crying that she did just hours before.  Instead, I can remember how she played in her exersaucer and smiled and laughed while I talked to her.  It still amazes me that  my voice can provoke such a sweet response from this little person.  I can also remember how after she got up this morning I brought her into my bed and snuggled her for a bit.  And finally, how after she finished her second to last bottle for the night, I sat holding her while she just quietly watched me, touching my face intermittently.  She likes to touch our faces now. 

This kid is something else.  The reflux is awful, and sometimes after the millionth puke, I have to put her down so I can leave the room and cry.  It seems silly to cry over puke...but if you have a baby with bad reflux then you know it isn't.  There's a lot of hectic, crazy, lose-your-mind moments of the day.  I read a blog talking about how for some of us moms, there is no "enjoy every moment."  Instead, there are the special moments that you can return to at the end of a day.  I try to remember to think about these moments and not let the days just bleed into each other with tears and pukes.  Motherhood is hard.  Really damn hard.  Some days I wonder if I shouldn't have just adopted another dog.  I'm being honest.  But at the end of the day when I see her sweet, sleeping body and think about all our special moments from the day.  Well, it makes me teary.  It's a reminder that my heart is now on the outside of my body.  And I look forward to the next day.