Some days I just want to smash this house up and leave. Today is one of those days. I opine that Joe is being a big bastard, and I want to pack Maddie up and get away from him. But then it seems like that will just make things more exhausting for me. Plus, I'd have to make sure my sister would be cool with me (us) coming. Only 5.5...or maybe just 5 hours away now?
It's been the longest short week ever. Joe was late every day this week, and spent the night at work on Wednesday. He had a big inspection to prepare for, err, re-do, as one of his former subordinates who turns out was grossly incompetent, screwed up the whole thing. That guy needs a judi chop.
So Joe is tired from a long work week (off today), and I am tired from a long baby week. Perhaps my expectations are unrealistic, as I expect him to 'soldier' on and help me with Maddie even though he's tired. I'm tired too. And I was tired over Christmas break when I lost TWO FULL NIGHTS OF SLEEP TO DRIVING. And when I had to do day driving within the state of Missouri while he got to hang out and have a full day off. I never got that luxury. But I kept going. Had to.
Maybe I'm just a narcissistic bitch, but I tend to believe that I keep this household afloat. He came up to me this morning when I was filling out our property tax assessment form and asked what it was. He'd never seen one before. Because he's never had to fill one out before. I do it. I do lots of everything, except have a job for which I get paid. And not only do I do lots of shit, but I really don't get anything special. We did jack shit for our anniversary in Dec, as we were on the way home from MO. For Valentine's Day, I said no to flowers and had previously said the only thing I wanted was Godiva truffles. He messed that up. He hasn't bought me jewelry since 2007, and that was a watch. I didn't want a diamond engagement ring, and I picked out our wedding bands. (Keeping score is bad for your relationship, by the way.) But my point is this: I don't ask for a whole lot. I don't want/need a whole lot. I don't really go clothes shopping anymore. I don't buy jewelry. I hardly ever buy make up. I don't have to have the newest, latest of anything. But a few surprises here and there...just thoughtfulness or proof that one listens would be nice. I feel under-appreciated and like I'm losing my mind. I feel like I married a great guy who is becoming a great jack ass. I'm probably doing the same I guess.
Well, Joe's off buying a new suit for job interviews, and I'm sitting here with my hair pulled up, wearing in sweatpants. The baby's crying over the monitor. I just want to sit and feel sorry for myself, but no time I suppose. The crying baby will just have to be my something special for now.
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7 comments:
Real life is the worst thing to happen to love.
I know that sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. Real life shit makes you hate each other. I hear it gets better...
Of course, I hear that from couples without children.
I'll just leave this right here
i'm under no illusions that things will stay the same when we have kids. i'm just thoroughly appreciating the time we have now when things are awesome, so that i know when things aren't, i have something to hold on to. ben has been incredibly stressed with his new role as professor...i've never seen him so anxious/worried/freaked out. because i haven't been working, i've become the manager of the household (i've always been a little more on top of things than ben, but mainly because i think about these things more). when i go back to work, though, i'd like to split up the duties more. i don't think that's gonna happen, unfortunately. ben is now managing a whole other part of his life, so the household stuff takes a backseat when he has to send out grant proposals, write papers and advise/teach students in order to get tenure and have job security. this is the reality. and we want to throw kids in the mix. ben's freaked out because he has so much going on, he's worried he'll be a good enough dad and make enough time for kids. i know he will do his best, but the likelihood is that it'll be probably more on me because i'll have the set work schedule, whereas ben's will be all over the place (including late nights and weekends tending to his lab).
that's why i'm really trying to savor the time we have together now. i have a feeling it'll be a big blur once we have kids until we retire.
I would like to clarify I meant only to link to your "So In Love" post because it was hilarious to read about Katie at a point where setting fire to the bed while Joe was sleeping in it is her best option, and then clicking over and reading you awesome post about being in love and having a happy day together. I realize now it looks like I was using your blog to make a statement about you guys in relation to my first comment, but I so wasn't. I just liked the Ying and the Yang thing. My bad!
Katie,
If it makes you feel any more normal, I pretty much always want to punch Justin in the face. If you need to pack up and leave, then you do that. I couldn't even tell you how many times I've packed Jacks up and headed to STL to get away. And how many times I've packed my own stuff and left the boys for a couple of days. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of everything else.
Your feelings are totally normal. And probably justified. 5 years into parenthood/house-wifehood looks a lot different than 1 year... it takes a while to adjust to new roles (not that it takes 5 years and 3 kids, haha, but it will get better). Don't be afraid to tell him that you're overwhelmed and that he needs to step up to the plate. It's easy to lose your identity in motherhood. I do my hair, makeup and get dressed (as "cute" as possible) most days because that's how I keep myself from feeling like the dumpy Mom I'm sure I became ("No, Maximus I can't get your breakfast until Mommy is dressed!" - of course, now I just tell them to get it themselves and I'll be there to help in 5 minutes)... when we first had Maximus, I would make lists for Nic to do when he came home, that way he knew how I needed him to help out at home and, yes I would resent him for not putting his clothes away after I washed them. Now I get great pleasure out of throwing his clean clothes in a pile in his closet and shoving the doors closed as they start to collect dust bunnies. Serves him right. My point is, both you and him have changing roles and you need to discuss them. And it might help to yell at him a little bit, then burst into tears - get it all out. And leave Maddie with him for a few hours so you can go shopping with a girlfriend (or if you're like me, you go by yourself because ... wait, where are all my friends?) - you need that time to yourself and he needs that time alone with her. :) Take care and remember that all new parents go through this :)
I love Rawlzo's comment, it's funny & true.
Sorry Joe isn't helping out much lately or getting you're very 'subtle' gift hints. Sometimes I feel like I hold up this place too. Honestly, if anything ever happened to me I dont think the hubs would know where anything was or how to pay any of the bills. It's totally my own fault to because I like things done a certain way. May way, haha.
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