Breakless

I don't really sleep well at night.  I usually don't get more than 2-3 hours of sleep in a row.  It sucks.  Maddie times it to wake up right as I go to bed usually - no matter the time.  So I get up and re-plug her.  Then sometimes I hear her again a few hours later.  Sometimes I just wake up on my own.  Then of course Joe gets up at 4am, and I have to get up to pump before morning. 

This weekend Joe slept in the other room with the monitor, and I got glorious sleep for the first time in weeks!  Of course the downside is that he is now exhausted...I guess she woke up quite a bit last night.  So he's taking a nap, while I'm trying to prepare for grocery shopping.  Except that now I have to take care of Maddie...who won't nap for longer than 15-20 minutes in a row right now.  I was looking at recipes and trying to make a list while listening to her on the monitor, thinking "Damn, we could really use a third person."  Now she's crying.  I'm certain I'll just run to the store and throw a bunch of shit in the cart, not making the most cost-effective choices and inevitably forgetting vital items.  I hate grocery shopping and really don't enjoy cooking anymore.  There aren't many things I enjoy lately mainly due to lack of time.  Everything is "hurry, hurry, hurry and tend to the baby..."

My mom was going to come out at the end of this month.  I found a plane ticket at a great price, and it would have been perfect.  Joe and I would have had a chance to go out before his TDY week, and we'd have Mom to help for both things.  God, I could just cry right now.  Shoot, maybe I am.  Getting no break is really hard.  I feel like we'd be better parents if we did.  Not to mention we could catch up a little with everything else.  I know we'll never get caught up and stay caught.  I know lots of things will never be the same.  But to never have a break unless the other is helping....it's kind of depressing.  Of course, the family is far away, and our friends here have kids of their own - lots are new parents themselves.  Or they work.  Or otherwise have lives of their own.  I'm thinking it's time to find a babysitter, but it kind of terrifies me.  Gah.  Oh well.  Need to stop venting here and try to do something productive.  I hate Sundays.