Does This Baby Make My Ass Look Flat?

Mama and Maddie a few weeks ago.

Expletive, expletive, expletive.  You have no idea how long I just spent posting a caption to that picture of Maddie and me....then not being able to get out of the caption to write normally....then deleting the caption (which I'll add back when I finish writing)....then having the cursor stuck above the picture.  DAMN YOU, BLOGGER!!!!

So.  I need to be going to sleep.  But Joe has tomorrow off, so I know I can sleep in.  Which means I'll stay up later tonight and then get up a little later in the morning, ultimately getting the same amount of sleep that I normally would.  Because I'm a dumb ass.  Really, though, the last two nights have been fabulous.  Either Maddie has slept through the night without waking up to be replugged (pacifier), or I have been so tired that I have slept through her cries, and she has self-soothed back to sleep.  The latter is entirely possible.  I have a vague memory of being out of bed last night.  I know this because I used the hall bathroom (instead of the master) and then got back in bed and noticed the clock said it was 1 something.  I have no idea why I was up...if it was for a kid or a dog.  The next time I woke up was at 5:50am.  I sprang awake and immediately patted Joe's side of the bed.  Finding it empty, I realized that I slept through his 4am alarm that wakes me up every morning.  It was glorious.  SLEEP!!!  Sleep in consecutive hours!!!

Not only do I need more sleep, I need to exercise a little more and lay off the sweets.  I have been starting to walk on the new trail that's literally right outside our neighborhood.  The city of Columbus paved an exercise/nature trail that goes across the whole city, and one of the entry points is about a 10 minute walk from our house.  I'm really glad to be able to use it, though I've told Joe I need a taser and some flexi cuffs for when I'm by myself...which is also when it is affectionately called "the rape trail."  

But I digress.  I need work on a healthier lifestyle not only to have some more energy but to also fit back into the majority of my pants.  Sure I can zip them up...but you don't want to be out in public with me.  I look like (some of) the cow girls I went to high school with who wore super tight Wranglers.  By that, my ass is completely flattened due to the jeans acting like some sort of body shape wear (and also because I lost my ass in delivering my child...it was there, and now it's not).  Further, and I do mean FURTHER, you can probably see my birth canal in all its unused glory.  Last, my midsection over floweth.  Yes, it's all kind of muffin top, not to mention it's not at all comfortable, and in no way does it make me feel good or attractive.  So yeah, gotta work on that.  And to prepare, I must sleep!!  Good night.

Must.Write.New.Post.

I've been fiddling with this damn thing...checking out different template designs and headers and pictures and blah blah blah.  Last night I tried to actually write a blog, and I fell asleep.  I miss the old days where I could occasionally find something hilarious to write about.  Had some great material when I lived with my parents (dad) again, no?  Shoot, I guess my life is almost too stable for hilarity.  Except for the other day when a giant carpenter bee flew into my bathroom from the fan vent (while I was actually in there after FINALLY having time to paint my toenails).  And then when I locked him in my bathroom and ran around to the back of the house to open the outside door off my bathroom to shoo him out, I got chased by a wasp.  And then when I tried to spray the wasp to get back to my keys that I left in the bathroom door, I sprayed my keys.  And then when I had to return back to the inside of the house (to commence 'shooing' to the open door) with a tennis racket and a spray bottle.  Yeah.  Except that.

Oh good lord my eyes are starting to shut already.

So here's a quick run down on life:

MIL left today after a quick visit.  It was great to have her help, and Joe and I FINALLY went on a date for the first time in eight months.  Sushi never tasted so good.  On the other hand, now that it's just us again, we can really nail down our schedule again.  Maddie's already doing the post-grandma horrific behavior.  Something about the constant attention suddenly stopping.  Ugh.

I mopped the kitchen today.  My mop broke in the first two minutes, but I completed the rest over the course of the entire day (cranky baby, remember?) with a scrub brush and rag on my hands and knees.  I have fantasized about getting that floor clean, and it too finally got accomplished for the first time in about eight months. 

Joe still doesn't have a job secured outside of the Army...and it's too late to re-enlist.  We have a few safety nets, so I'm sweating less, but we'll see if he gets what he wants.  Shoot, I've even thought about returning to social work.  Shudder.

Tricare Overseas/WPS Health Insurance is trying to fuck us.  Our Mexico bill that we thought was all taken care of arrived in the mail at the end of Feb.  It has been one shit storm after another in trying to get it resolved.  If it goes to claims, I am going to call every number and email/mail every address for these insurance dicks, just chewing ass (tactfully), and I will contact state representatives, and whoever the hell else I can and scream THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR SERVICE MEMBERS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES??!!!!

With that, we're still all mostly alright.  Maddie is a super happy baby (unless tired or hungry or soiled or worn out from a grandma visit).  Seriously, though, she loves to laugh, and it's great fun to make her laugh.  In just a couple days she'll be eight months old (of course supposed to only be six).  She rolls around like a mad woman.  Never stays on her blanket, just rolls until something stops her.  She hasn't figured out crawling yet...well...not forwards.  She will scoot herself backwards, and you can just tell she's almost got it all for forward but can't get it all together yet.  Fine by me.  Solids are going well, minus the continued puking.  Gave her a a few sips of water today just to start getting her used to it.  A-ok.  It's so great to watch her try and do new things.  And it still amazes me that we start so fresh with these little creatures.  All they know is to love us.  I'm the mom (and not a shit bag parent), so she loves me.  That's it.  So uncomplicated for now.  I love her too.  This whole stay-at-home mom lifestyle is absolutely insane.  But ya know, I don't want anyone else freaking out over how much she pukes or how short she napped for this time, and I certainly don't want anyone else singing our songs together or meeting Daddy in the driveway when he gets home from work.  No, I want it to be me she wears out.  "You wear me out, but I love you anyway."

{I'm not proofing this.  So sorry.}

Put Her in Charge, Man

I have about fourteen minutes until my stuffed peppers are ready.  That means I have just a few minutes to rant and try to get my shoulders to stop touching my ears.  Yeah, Maddie put me in my place for sure.  She heard I was feeling a bit like Super Woman and decided to show me who's boss.  Seriously, though, we've been doing really well in Joe's absence.  She's been sleeping pretty damn well at night, and our days haven't been too overwhelming, despite the afternoon wall.  Until today.

Three o'clock hit this afternoon, and a timer must have gone off in Maddie's head.  Oh yes, it is time to go completely bat crap insane, ding!  I won't say that it was continuous for four hours, but instead that there was intermittent crying/screaming at a high frequency until she went to bed.  She was visibly tired - rubbing eyes and arching to her side to sleep.  Yet every.time.I.put.her.down, she'd just cry instead of sleep.  Even if just changed and fed.  I even went outside for a bit in an effort to let her cry it out for a few minutes.  Came back in and no dice.  Today was definitely the whole "I will not nap, so FUCK YOU, MOM!"  We tried the crib, the swing, her rock n play sleep hammock (aka the yellow thing), and a blanket on the floor.  The most I got was 20 minutes in her yellow thing.  I cried too, screamed at times.  Begged her to tell me what to do to help her.  She would stop, smile, and then WAHHHHHHHH.  Holy cow. 

She is asleep now, and I am terrified she will not stay that way.  Even the dogs are out of whack.  Just before her bedtime, Dexter was walking around nervously...ears and tail down.  He just kept looking at me, and I at him.  At one point we embraced.  He even came to investigate while I bathed her (and he normally won't go near the bath)...because of course she cried in the tub as well, though that's normally a happy place.  No more.  Maddie's proverbial march to bedtime has left this place in emotional ruin.  Amidst all of this, I've counted that I've had six Godiva chocolates.  They were the wrong chocolates that Joe got me for V-day and was going to return for my beloved truffles.  But then today I found them melting in the back of his car.  Kind of made me sad that that's where my "gift" ended up...and in good faith you can't return melted chocolates, even if still sealed in the box.  So I've been knockin' 'em back, along with a very small glass of wine.  Worth every calorie too.

Three minutes left until dinner.  Whew.  I feel better.  Maybe another finger's worth of wine, and I'll be in good shape.  My shoulder's are about halfway down to where they should be.  The dogs are both passed out, no doubt relieved.  And Joe...well, he missed all the fun...

PS.  The peppers are a quick heat from last night.  In case you were wondering about my time line.