It Isn't Friday. But it Should Be.

I think we're nearing zero hour.  Where Maddie awakes from her nap, and then we time travel until bed.  Yesterday I busted my butt around the house, and today has been largely the opposite.  I've found that it is very hard for me to find balance.  Like I can't quite find my cruise control.  You can either write your name in the furniture or eat off of it.  Depends on the day. 

The last week and a half or so has been crazy.  One night an old friend stopped by and generously let us know that he was in our corner, which was awesome.  I think most people don't even realize that we need folks in our corner, but I guess that's probably our fault.  To the friends that have reached out, I thank you.

And then the very next morning I got a text/phone call from a friend telling me her baby died the night before.  I guess that's the ebb and flow of life.  And thus I'm doing my best to let her know I'm in her corner. 

In what feels like a flash, this week is almost over.  I've done well to keep up with the house, etc, but I've had very little motivation for exercise.  Again, that whole balance thing.  Joe is wrapping up an insane month of work, and Maddie is hopefully getting back to baseline.  I remember saying to Joe a little before Christmas, "Hey, ya know that hit by a train feeling regarding Maddie?  Yeah, well I feel like that's lessening.  I feel like she's more enjoyable."  He agreed.  And then the hell of Christmas broke loose.  I don't know why or how.  There were only two real days of chaos.  Her overall good attitude crapped out, though, and so did the potty training.  Truly heartbreaking.  Then, she got sick last week, and the sleep deprivation from coughing all night long for a few nights carried over to this week.  There have been times where Joe and I turn to each other in the midst of a fierce meltdown and simply said that we don't know what to do. 

Today was better, though.  She's been more agreeable, and I hope we're getting back on track.  I wish the "Mama, hush!" and "Go away!" shouts/comments would stop.  Today while she was eating lunch, I wordlessly pulled out my phone to make a call.  Before I could, I heard this tiny voice say "Mama, hush."  I looked up to to meet her gaze and almost laughed because my inner immaturity was saying "That doesn't even make sense because I wasn't even talking!!"  It was hard not to laugh.  Other times it's hard not to become explosive. 

One thing I've learned with Conscious Discipline (google that) is to focus on what you want and not on what you don't want.  So simple, but so hard if you' haven't been raised that way.  Joe and I are both trying to retrain our focus, and it'd be nice if that was something Maddie could learn from us. 

So yeah. 

Coffee time.

It Is Friday.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Don't just survive in the storm; dance in the rain."  So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years.

But anyway.  Another non-crazy day so far.  The back to back days of such give me hope.  Man, it's a bad feeling to be stuck in your own mind.  This blogging is what I should probably be writing in a journal, but this is here and super easy for me to pull up and write in. 

I think a lot of my "crazy time" is due to the prolonged financial instability.  If we could just have a good month, it'd really turn things around.  But since I can't control that, I'm trying to keep the rest of life more balanced.  The last couple days I've spent a lot of time getting the house better organized and clean.  My brain always feels better when there isn't crap everywhere.  And things here have been needing to find permanent homes for quite a while.  There will always be stuff to do, but it already feels a lot better.  I'm also trying to get back to my routine for exercise.  It was a lot easier to maintain when I had a half marathon staring me down.  I'm slowly getting back into it.  Ran on Wednesday and did plyometrics yesterday.  Today I spent time on the house...with plenty of coffee and candy crush breaks.  The weather will be warmer this weekend, so I can run outside, which kicks the shit out of running on a treadmill, boxed in by video screens any day. 

I'm also looking at house plants to order.  Throw a little green in this place.  I've been looking at specific ones that improve air quality...and require very little time and attention.  I want English Ivy, Mother In Law's Tongue, and golden pothos...maybe even a spider plant.  The English Ivy is poisonous, so I gotta figure out how that will work, but it filters different things from the others.  Since we have so much money to spend on things outside of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and all.

Speaking of mostly free, I'm going.  It pretty much fits in with the direction my hippy life is going, so why fight it? 

And with that, my kid is screaming awake from nap time.  Happy Friday.

Better

What a difference a day makes.  I'm of course not magically cured, but it appears as though a little time and actively working toward a better day has made it so.  The house is tidy, my kid has been pretty fun, Joe came home on time, and dinner went off without me wanting to weep.  Those things keep my brain straight.  I also exercised and took time to read in the bath during nap.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow is another.

Lost

At some point in my senior year of college, I remember sleeping on an air mattress and watching Bridget Jones Diary for about five nights in a row.  I think it was the very beginning of my senior year, and for some reason, I did not yet have a mattress.  I also didn't not have some situational depression.   Now, nine years later, I have an amazingly awesome Temper Pedic  An yet, I feel the need to start watching Bridget Jones on repeat.  God, I already feel like crying. 

I think I need to get some things out.  Which is pretty much all this blog is for now.

For a while after we moved here, I had the blues.  The move was huge and exhausting, and it was a big damn change.  Even though it was what I wanted, it was hard.  Joe repeatedly told me I had clinical depression.  Which was super helpful.  I eventually told him to go dig out my DSM whatever version I have so that he could see that I don't meet the requirements for clinical depression.  No, I had (have?) situational depression.  I was open to seeing a therapist or whatever if I couldn't get shit right on my own.  With that, I set a goal for running a half marathon and started meeting a few other moms.  I even got my kid into preschool a couple days a week, so I could have some me time. 

And that worked.  I did well for a while.  I was able to meet my goal and have a pretty good 30th birthday.  October was a good month; Joe finally made a little money.  November wasn't so great for money, which was an underlying stressor by that point, but we got to see some of my family at Thanksgiving, though that wiped us out.  December was honestly a bit stressful with Christmas, etc, but there was the hope of a little bit of commission to come in January, this month, after closing more loans.  What was to be a $1000 commission amounted only to $100 something after fees, etc.  At this very moment in time, financial stress and the lack of a solid support system is starting to eat me alive.  I can't tell if I'm outside of myself in a "swimmy" head type feeling or so stuck in my own head that I can't see straight.  I'm trying to keep up with the exercise and eating better now that Christmas is over.  Preschool has started back up as well, so that's good.  I just feel really...bad.  Kind of hopelessly bad.  I know that I should probably be telling a therapist all this, but I don't have a therapist.  And who would watch my kid while I went to talk to one? 

I also feel like I'm losing my self-esteem.  I've had a couple instances lately of feeling completely torn down for the person that I am.  I know I'm probably sensitive due to the other, aforementioned reasons, but there's been this underlying feeling my whole relationship with Joe that I'm not good enough for him.  My family loves him, and his family loves him.  I don't feel like there's a whole lot of love for me, though.  I feel like I've tried so hard to be a better person...for years, but the moment I slip and say the wrong thing or get frustrated, I'm immediately thrown under the bus.  It makes me feel like a fool, like I just can't quite get it right.  But in my head, I feel like I've come such a long way and am so much calmer and a better communicator.  But no one confirms that.  Instead, I get attacked when I slip up and say or do the wrong thing.  I think if I didn't have Maddie, I would try a bit of separation.  I sound like a god damn movie, but after so long of having others doubt you, you eventually start to doubt yourself, especially when you're already down.  With that, maybe my family would be better off without me?  Not in a kill myself kind of way, just in a go ahead and leave these good folks alone and hook up with the loser I was really meant to be with sort of way.  You know?

Thank god for the one person who I've been able to confide in.  Some days she's been all that's kept me going.  My family has largely been disappointing.  My mom is always far away and having her own life.  My dad is really close by, but busy I guess.  And my sister is a big question mark.  Sometimes I talk to her and think we're sort of connecting.  Other times when we talk I get the feeling that she thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world.  I feel like the only real familial support I have is Joe's family, and yet I'm not good enough for Joe.  Which kind of leaves me with no family.  I just have Joe and Maddie. 

Right now Joe works every weekday, at least 10 hours a day, and then usually part of a weekend day as well.  We really haven't made much money at all at this job, more like breaking even.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was told to give it five months, then six, and now we're wrapping up seven.  I don't know what to do.  I've tried to have a "bottom line" discussion.  I mean, if we get below a certain point in our savings, I feel like we need to resort to a plan B, whatever that is.  I didn't get a whole lot of positive feedback when I brought up the need for a plan B.  I think I need to start making my own plan B.  Like, if we're still dire by the end of the school year, Maddie is going to have to go to daycare so I can work again.  And the France trip?  We have a daily discussion about canceling it.  I feel so foolish to have even booked it, despite being told everything was going to be alright and to go ahead.  When we were in talks about it, I said that the one thing I didn't want to have happen was us not be financially secure by the time the trip was here and that it became something I dreaded and was stressed about.  And that's exactly what it's become.  That said, I think we're both scared to not go.  Like maybe if we don't finally do this one thing we've talked about since we were dating, we're just going to go completely maritally numb with the eventuality of divorce.  Maybe we'll just get to that point where we've realized we never did any of the stuff we said we would and that there's no point anymore.  You can only just survive for so long. 

Well.  I've written a small novel here.  Safe to say that at this moment in time I feel as lost as ever.  Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I'm already fearful of how I'll get through it. I'm not even going to re-read this.  I feel better just having written it.  Time to go fold some clothes I guess.