SA Weekend

So much substance abuse. Everyone must be getting their Memorial Day weekend binge on. Out of the patients I've worked with over the last couple days, only one has actually been nutty sick. From meth to alcohol to crack and opiates, all the rest have been substance abusers. (And if any current or future employers ever read this blog, please understand that social workers are entitled to ventilation too.) With that, I have this to say: addicts are some of the most entitled sons of bitches I have ever come across. Alcoholics get pissed off and just want to go drink, but addicts think that I need to give them what they want exactly when they want it as if the world revolves around them. What's that? You have no money, no insurance, and you can't leave the area because you're on probation. BUT, after a crack binge triggered by your girlfriend not having sex with you, you're going to expect me to send you to an inpatient SA treatment program here in town?? And then you're going to be a dick to me when I can't make that happen because I can't send you to Atlanta where there are work-for-treatment programs because you fucked up and got put on probation????? If my future kids ever use drugs, I will beat the high out of them. GAH. I'm hopeful for a waiting room full of schizophrenics tomorrow. My nerves are too frayed for anymore addicts.

With that, I don't have anything as profound to discuss as last night. Generally, I just needed to bitch about my job. I stayed an extra hour to get my last alcoholic out, which completely cleared out the brief observation I was responsible for, which means tomorrow's batch will be completely fresh. I came home just a few minutes before the torrential rain began and was able to run the dogs around and pick up the paper form the driveway just in time. I've been a sloth ever since. I blame the rain. And the addicts.

Growing Pains

I'm sure as kids we all had an idea of what it would be like when we reached adulthood. I thought I'd have everything figured out and squared away in neat little boxes. I'd have found the best college major for myself and in turn what to do as a career. I'd then have myself a little car to drive and a place to live where, like clock work, I would take care of X,Y & Z. You get the picture. I didn't mention marriage, because as a kid marriage seemed pretty fucked up. In turn, it's one of the best things I have now. But anyway.

So here I am as an adult, and it's not so easy. And then I think maybe when I'm a little older, it'll be easier. But then I actually think about the older adults I know, and I think not. I guess we just have to organize the chaos, and that's the best we can do. Of course the ball will drop and everything will go to shit and then we re-organize the chaos. Drop ball. Repeat. Drop ball. Repeat. Well, I guess that's the cynical version. Maybe throw some fun in there, etc, and then repeat.

And how to organize the chaos? Right now I have all this stuff swirling around in my head. First is realizing what all has gone on in the last several months and the second is how to move forward. Of course I've written about all of it, but to summarize briefly - Joe came home from deployment; we hung out for a couple months; Joe went to Ranger School; I started working out; I went to PA to see my dying grandpa; my grandpa died; Joe recycled in Ranger School and came home; I quit working out; Joe's grandpa died, and we went to Missouri; I came home and got sick; Joe went back to Ranger School; my family came to visit; I never started working out again; I've gained weight; I have no energy; my house needs picked up; no more mile markers to look forward to for the time being; just working. I promise I'm not knocking back a bottle of Tylenol while I write this. I'm just getting all this out.

There's a certain sort of "lull" to be expected when one has been buzzing with company and then is suddenly alone again. I thought it would be more pronounced for a day or two and then back to normal. This has been more subtle, though, and I think it's because I've been working enough to sort of fool myself. But now EVERYTHING is back to the "norm" and quiet again. Well, except for the sound of my pants bursting at the seams. But amidst all this, I realize I am not the little adult robot I had anticipated as a child. The neat little boxes are little more than caffeine fueled days in which we run around and try to knock out a to-do list.

So now that I've strapped my self-awareness back on, I need to move forward. One thing I want to start doing more is appreciating the "journey." For so long, life was supposed to start when I finished college, then it became when Joe was done with training so we could live together. Now it's going to start when Joe is out of the Army. Dude. Just like that commercial says - something about on average us humans only getting 25,000 mornings. Well, shit, I've already used over 9,000 mornings. Let's start living. Shit.

With that, I somehow need to better manage my to-do list - work, gym, clean house, grocery shop, cook, yard maintenance and so on, knowing that not everything will always get done. Amidst that, I need to continue to figure out our financial fitness and prepare for the future, quit my unhappy job, and find out what I'm really meant to do - more school, new job, volunteer, whatever. And in all this - fitting these pieces together - I need to figure out how to enjoy the journey a bit more. But how?

Fat Fanny

I just got done re-reading the letter I got in the mail from Joe today. :-) He wrote it a week ago, so I don't know a whole lot about what's going on now, except that he passed RAP week - Ranger Assessment Phase - 1st week of RGR School. (This isn't OPSEC shit; you can google it.) He had this to say about the land navigation course: "I surprised myself with just how badly I wanted to pass land nav today. I had some terrible hiccups at the beginning, but things smoothed out in the last ten minutes. I ran almost the entire course, AND THE ONLY REASON I WAS ABLE TO DO IT and not quit when I took multiple wrong turns and had an hour to run a realllly long ways and find two points, was you..." What a run on sentence, but more importantly, what a guy. I'm glad he got his act together out there. With that and a few other things, he got to enjoy another 16 mile ruck march out to Camp Darby, so he is now officially in Darby Phase. Everyone, think good thoughts, pray to your god, cross your pets' toes, whatever, that he makes it past Darby. I think he will have a breakdown if he has to repeat some of that crap a third time.

Speaking of Joe, one of his sergeants called me today to inform me that the hematology clinic had called the unit due to some...oh how was it phrased..."inconsistencies"? with Joe's blood. The clinic said it wasn't anything worth pulling him out of Ranger School, but they want to see him when he's back. Uh, what the hell isn't consistent? I tried to call the clinic, but they must have shut down after noon today. Not worried at all. Nah. AGGGHHHHHHH.

Not a whole lot else. My day started with a really creepy nurse staring at me from his golf cart as soon as I pulled onto campus. Then I met with a really delusional patient amongst others. I can't wait to return tomorrow. Just seven more days in a row, which is also the countdown to the eight hour pass of Joe's. And when he gets home he better go try his car windows and realized that his wife is beyond awesome, since I ordered a new master power window switch online and installed it myself. Saved an ass of money. Why, this reminds me of the time I fixed the mower belt, not to mention researched, bought, and got into a fight with Sears over the mower. What I'm saying is that Joe may be at Ranger School, but I'm the dude here at home. Now, excuse me while I go buff my balls...

Should Be Sleeping

Tomorrow the high life ends, as the last of my company leaves, and I return to work in a nine straight day stretch following a whole week off. FML. It's going to suck.

Having Mom here has been great. She needed down time, and so did I. We laid around, ate, and didn't have to get dressed up or go anywhere unless we wanted to. She cooked a couple of great meals and didn't mind serving me, which was wonderful. She enjoyed my pups, and we got on a good Law and Order kick. It was really nice to have her here. I'm actually getting a little choked up about her leaving tomorrow for probably two main reasons: 1) The obvious - I will be alone here again after she's gone and back to dealing with the Ranger School bullshit; 2) She is my mom, and I don't know when I'll see her again, as she lives way out in Cali. Dang. Well, thank god Ron the bug man is coming at 8:30AM tomorrow for our quarterly spraying. I'll have to deal with him and won't have time to be upset, especially just before work. Just like when Joe deployed the day I had our ADT system installed. You can't wail like you want to when there is a strange man climbing around in your attic. Especially when he points out that there is a hole in the roof.

So that's that. Back to work with a million days in a row in front of me. It's good, though, as we need the money. I'm $7300 away from having my student loans paid off. The last few months have stalled my progress with family emergencies and family visits, but that's okay. People first.then money.then things. So I will work hard to get back on track. Yes, back to the mission. Unfortunately, I got my notorious stress rash across my neck and chest a few days ago. I think it's about ran it's course. Bah. As great a time it's been with my family, Joe has always been in the back of my mind. I don't know how he is or anything about his training progress, as the only letter I've gotten was what he wrote on 5/16. It's killer, and it's only been a little over a week. I hope he's doing well and is free from shit bag RIs. Gosh, can this actually be about his level of skill and ability as a leader. Please. So anyway. Yeah, there's some ever present anxiety with that. Will he actually be done in July...or August...or Sept...or? In the meantime, I'm hopeful that no news is good news. Eight hour pass in about ten more days!!! Unless it gets taken away again. In which case I have already told Joe that I am going to start wandering the complex, bat shit crazy, demanding to see my husband. Maybe I'll even take a cue from a patient and clutch a stuffed teddy bear called CJ that I'll say is my 4 month old baby. Sarah said it best with "Maybe we all need a CJ, just not a CJ's mom" - something to hang on to but that won't fuck us up. Yes.

Fam, Fam, and Heat

Today concludes the visit with Dad, Jan, Ari and Gene. It's been a good time. I was glad to see all of them and have actual family around for a few days. They really helped me get a bunch of stuff done, and we had some good down time as well. Dad helped me work in my yard and kill a bunch of poison ivy and other crap that doesn't belong in my bushes. We worked outside for a while that first day. It was good. While we did that, Jan put together a storage cube thing that is now in our office/2nd guest room. Then, all three of us put the daybed together in that room as well. Woohoo! It has been in pieces since we moved to Georgia almost two years ago. (Gosh, it's already been that long.) I think *dramatic, lip-biting pause* that I may be able to actually get the house completely put away for the first time. Yay!! In terms of pure aesthetics, I got Dad to pull down my stove hood so I could paint it. The home owners put in a new stove and dish washer before we moved in - black and stainless steel. However, they left a shitty old cream colored hood above the new stove. (They also left a white fridge, which kills me, but there's nothing I can do about that unless I want to buy a fridge - not right now.) So anyway. I bought a $9 can of semi gloss high heat grill spray paint, and after cleaning and sanding the shit out of the hood, I repainted it. It looks new now, and I am so happy!!!! Putting it back up required three people, but it is in there and now the kitchen matches at least a little more. I didn't bother to get permission from the property manager because c'mon, really?

We knocked so much stuff off my to-do list. It was so great to have so much help! Also, Gene showed me how to take part of the CRV's dash off to pull out the master power window switch (which needs to be replaced), so when I go ahead and order the part (over $150 cheaper on ebay versus the dealer for the same damn part), I can do the whole thing myself!!!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy.

But it wasn't all work. We did go to the Infantry Museum, which was pretty awesome. I had not yet been, but it was great to walk around and look at everything with the family. I sooo wish Joe could have been there, but we felt in cahoots with him when we checked out the Ranger School exhibit and video. :-) I drove them all around post afterward and then we chilled out at my house in the evening. The following day, yesterday, we pretty much laid low, drank beer, and watched the Flyers beat the Canadians. Good stuff. I got a little extra time with Ari and Gene last night and this morning just hangin' here, and they just left. The pups and I have a few hours before Mom arrives (on her way from my aunt's in MS). It's 90 degrees and hot as hell outside, so the dogs are wiped out. I'm gross and need to take a shower. Eh.

Having all these days off in no way makes me miss work. Sure, I miss the money I could be making, but man this just makes me think maybe I can be a stay at home Katie once more (and not go completely nuts). Of course the true test will be when I'm really alone again. :-) For now, I feel pretty good about my various options upon Joe getting his post-tab promotion, and I'll hang onto this current option as one of them. Hell yes.

Invictus

Yesterday, I got my first letter from Joe in this go round - Part Deux: Back in the Suck. The letter was kind of sad, but for me it was great because he wrote about how much he misses me. We may seem like we're not very nice to each other, and sure, I may call him terrible names while he threatens to kill me in his Guido voice. But man, when we're separated, we turn into big babies. I'm glad he misses me. I miss him too. Aside from that, he wrote about this poem he came across while he was there last time. He said that it's helping him get through the days (he had his 16 mile ruck march last night, not to mention it's storming tonight). I think the poem is pretty badass and wanted to share it. I hope he's doing well. Love him.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
1849–1903

Holy Cat Crap, Batman

It's been a minute. 800 things have happened since I last posted. And I do not know where to start.

Mmm. I did end up sick, missed some work, and went to the doc. I don't even bother with the Army when I'm sick. I go straight to urgent care because the Army will always pay for it. Although, since I got two injections this time, I'm kind of paranoid that I will get a bill. Oh well. I'm basically better now and almost done with my oral meds. To the next thing - Joe was medically cleared with his platelet issue. The hematologist told him he has plenty of platelets, just that some of them clump together. Hmmmm. I would love to get a second opinion, especially since the internist I know told me the doctor Joe got referred to is the worst hematologist in Columbus. However, we can only go where the Army will refer us. Getting just one outside opinion was quite an ordeal. Of course I'd pay out of pocket, but Joe would never be given leave to attend it. Boned! So anyway. He's back out at Camp Rogers now. I took him to post this morning, which was a Charlie Foxtrot as usual. No one really knew what time or where folks needed to be. Of course. I feel bad for Joe having to go back to hell, but this is something he has to do, so it just needs to get done. It's unfortunate, though, that it will now be hot as balls outside. Eek.

Having Joe home for these last weeks was good, and it ended on a good note. Overall, though, I think we know more about missing each other in absences and less about what to do when we're together. As we discussed it a few days ago, we don't know how to just "be." We're always anticipating the next training or deployment. I think we get overwhelmed and in many cases just don't do anything. Nothing fun like a weekend trip or productive stuff like getting home projects done. I almost feel like I can't get stuff done when he's home. It's odd, and we definitely need to find more of a balance. Always always always. Balance. To start, I believe that we will go to Savannah for a weekend after he graduates.

In the meantime, I have Dad and Jan coming to town on Wednesday; Ari and Gene come in Thursday. I believe they'll all leave by Sunday, at which time my mother will be coming to town. Wild, huh? I'm pretty excited to see everyone. I'm especially jazzed to get some yard help from my dad. I thought about that today as I trimmed some bushes that required use of a tall step ladder. It was intense. And then I poisoned the shit out of a ton of stuff that shouldn't be in the yard. Good day.

I can't wait for family!!

Concentrated Crazy

Every new patient I saw today was bat shit crazy. They all had to go to the unit for stabilization; no 23 hour brief observation for those folks. What a welcome back after five days gone. Everything from overdoses to conspiracy theories to believing a stuffed animal was a four month old human baby named 'CJ.' And CJ's mom wanted to fuck me up. I know this because she told me, "I'm going to fuck you up." I believed her, but I was just too tired to be all that afraid. She never did, though. All this after our 12 hour car ride home yesterday. And that's no thanks to Birmingham, AL. I hate Birmingham.

Alas, though, we are home. I missed this. My stuff. My space. My expensive bed. My retarded dogs. It's beautiful. Of course I'm sick now because the trip kicked my ass, but I'm hopeful the pain killer, zyrtec, and mucinex-D does some sweet stuff to me tonight. I don't have time to be sick. I'm always behind as it is. Uggh. With that, the house is a disaster, though I did vacuum tonight and changed the air filter. We need to further clean, do laundry, and grocery shop. Most of that probably won't happen until this weekend, which is going to make dressing for work pretty interesting. Oh well. Speaking of weekend, this one coming up is my last with Joe for a bit. He's supposed to go back to Ranger School the 16th, and of course I work that weekend. The only reason he may not go back to school is because there is something wrong with his blood. I've written about this before and how an internist I know was helping advise us. Thank God for that guy because we would not have continued to push for labs that showed the platelet count remains low after several months. Also, the little bitch Physician Assistant at Joe's med station wouldn't have had the opportunity to dick us around. He basically told Joe that I was just pushing for stuff to happen and that anybody (the internist) can "arm chair quarter back." He then yanked Joe around for a few days and wouldn't really tell him anything except that the latest labs weren't ready. Well. In the end Lil' Bitch got Joe referred out to a hematologist. I hear that doesn't typically happen when NOTHING IS WRONG AND A WIFE IS JUST PLAYING PUPPET MASTER. As Stimpy once said, "I am SURROUNDED by EEEEDIOTS." Whatever it is I just hope it's not "bad wrong." I looked up the doctor who Joe is being referred out to...and he's also an oncologist. I'm just going to assume that the two usually go hand in hand - blood and cancer. This thing has worried me more than I care to admit and over the course of several months now. Hopefully we'll get some answers soon and this doctor will actually be candid with us and demonstrate an appropriate bed side manner. Please. My nerves are shot. I really don't want to start carrying around a CJ...

Mourning

I have been eating nonstop since Thursday night when we arrived here in Missouri. So I'm big and 'swole as they say in Georgia. Strangely, I still find myself hungry somehow. Weird.

There's been a lot of sitting around and waiting. We finally had the service yesterday, which was nice if not full of crying. Even the preacher lost it. Geez. Then of course we went back to eating. Some boozing as well. Janiece made some delicious lemonade drinks with tequila. Fantastic.

Today, though, we're back to sitting around and waiting. Janiece and Jeff are doing yard work and other stuff around the house. It makes me want to be back home, as I'm reminded of the 783 things that I need to be doing back at my house. Bah. Joe and his brother Alex are watching a British TV show. Apparently, we'll soon be driving out to St. James to look at someone's new house. Eh. My options are to go or stay here. Can I go home yet? I miss my bed and my dogs.