Growing Pains

I'm sure as kids we all had an idea of what it would be like when we reached adulthood. I thought I'd have everything figured out and squared away in neat little boxes. I'd have found the best college major for myself and in turn what to do as a career. I'd then have myself a little car to drive and a place to live where, like clock work, I would take care of X,Y & Z. You get the picture. I didn't mention marriage, because as a kid marriage seemed pretty fucked up. In turn, it's one of the best things I have now. But anyway.

So here I am as an adult, and it's not so easy. And then I think maybe when I'm a little older, it'll be easier. But then I actually think about the older adults I know, and I think not. I guess we just have to organize the chaos, and that's the best we can do. Of course the ball will drop and everything will go to shit and then we re-organize the chaos. Drop ball. Repeat. Drop ball. Repeat. Well, I guess that's the cynical version. Maybe throw some fun in there, etc, and then repeat.

And how to organize the chaos? Right now I have all this stuff swirling around in my head. First is realizing what all has gone on in the last several months and the second is how to move forward. Of course I've written about all of it, but to summarize briefly - Joe came home from deployment; we hung out for a couple months; Joe went to Ranger School; I started working out; I went to PA to see my dying grandpa; my grandpa died; Joe recycled in Ranger School and came home; I quit working out; Joe's grandpa died, and we went to Missouri; I came home and got sick; Joe went back to Ranger School; my family came to visit; I never started working out again; I've gained weight; I have no energy; my house needs picked up; no more mile markers to look forward to for the time being; just working. I promise I'm not knocking back a bottle of Tylenol while I write this. I'm just getting all this out.

There's a certain sort of "lull" to be expected when one has been buzzing with company and then is suddenly alone again. I thought it would be more pronounced for a day or two and then back to normal. This has been more subtle, though, and I think it's because I've been working enough to sort of fool myself. But now EVERYTHING is back to the "norm" and quiet again. Well, except for the sound of my pants bursting at the seams. But amidst all this, I realize I am not the little adult robot I had anticipated as a child. The neat little boxes are little more than caffeine fueled days in which we run around and try to knock out a to-do list.

So now that I've strapped my self-awareness back on, I need to move forward. One thing I want to start doing more is appreciating the "journey." For so long, life was supposed to start when I finished college, then it became when Joe was done with training so we could live together. Now it's going to start when Joe is out of the Army. Dude. Just like that commercial says - something about on average us humans only getting 25,000 mornings. Well, shit, I've already used over 9,000 mornings. Let's start living. Shit.

With that, I somehow need to better manage my to-do list - work, gym, clean house, grocery shop, cook, yard maintenance and so on, knowing that not everything will always get done. Amidst that, I need to continue to figure out our financial fitness and prepare for the future, quit my unhappy job, and find out what I'm really meant to do - more school, new job, volunteer, whatever. And in all this - fitting these pieces together - I need to figure out how to enjoy the journey a bit more. But how?