Lost

At some point in my senior year of college, I remember sleeping on an air mattress and watching Bridget Jones Diary for about five nights in a row.  I think it was the very beginning of my senior year, and for some reason, I did not yet have a mattress.  I also didn't not have some situational depression.   Now, nine years later, I have an amazingly awesome Temper Pedic  An yet, I feel the need to start watching Bridget Jones on repeat.  God, I already feel like crying. 

I think I need to get some things out.  Which is pretty much all this blog is for now.

For a while after we moved here, I had the blues.  The move was huge and exhausting, and it was a big damn change.  Even though it was what I wanted, it was hard.  Joe repeatedly told me I had clinical depression.  Which was super helpful.  I eventually told him to go dig out my DSM whatever version I have so that he could see that I don't meet the requirements for clinical depression.  No, I had (have?) situational depression.  I was open to seeing a therapist or whatever if I couldn't get shit right on my own.  With that, I set a goal for running a half marathon and started meeting a few other moms.  I even got my kid into preschool a couple days a week, so I could have some me time. 

And that worked.  I did well for a while.  I was able to meet my goal and have a pretty good 30th birthday.  October was a good month; Joe finally made a little money.  November wasn't so great for money, which was an underlying stressor by that point, but we got to see some of my family at Thanksgiving, though that wiped us out.  December was honestly a bit stressful with Christmas, etc, but there was the hope of a little bit of commission to come in January, this month, after closing more loans.  What was to be a $1000 commission amounted only to $100 something after fees, etc.  At this very moment in time, financial stress and the lack of a solid support system is starting to eat me alive.  I can't tell if I'm outside of myself in a "swimmy" head type feeling or so stuck in my own head that I can't see straight.  I'm trying to keep up with the exercise and eating better now that Christmas is over.  Preschool has started back up as well, so that's good.  I just feel really...bad.  Kind of hopelessly bad.  I know that I should probably be telling a therapist all this, but I don't have a therapist.  And who would watch my kid while I went to talk to one? 

I also feel like I'm losing my self-esteem.  I've had a couple instances lately of feeling completely torn down for the person that I am.  I know I'm probably sensitive due to the other, aforementioned reasons, but there's been this underlying feeling my whole relationship with Joe that I'm not good enough for him.  My family loves him, and his family loves him.  I don't feel like there's a whole lot of love for me, though.  I feel like I've tried so hard to be a better person...for years, but the moment I slip and say the wrong thing or get frustrated, I'm immediately thrown under the bus.  It makes me feel like a fool, like I just can't quite get it right.  But in my head, I feel like I've come such a long way and am so much calmer and a better communicator.  But no one confirms that.  Instead, I get attacked when I slip up and say or do the wrong thing.  I think if I didn't have Maddie, I would try a bit of separation.  I sound like a god damn movie, but after so long of having others doubt you, you eventually start to doubt yourself, especially when you're already down.  With that, maybe my family would be better off without me?  Not in a kill myself kind of way, just in a go ahead and leave these good folks alone and hook up with the loser I was really meant to be with sort of way.  You know?

Thank god for the one person who I've been able to confide in.  Some days she's been all that's kept me going.  My family has largely been disappointing.  My mom is always far away and having her own life.  My dad is really close by, but busy I guess.  And my sister is a big question mark.  Sometimes I talk to her and think we're sort of connecting.  Other times when we talk I get the feeling that she thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world.  I feel like the only real familial support I have is Joe's family, and yet I'm not good enough for Joe.  Which kind of leaves me with no family.  I just have Joe and Maddie. 

Right now Joe works every weekday, at least 10 hours a day, and then usually part of a weekend day as well.  We really haven't made much money at all at this job, more like breaking even.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  I was told to give it five months, then six, and now we're wrapping up seven.  I don't know what to do.  I've tried to have a "bottom line" discussion.  I mean, if we get below a certain point in our savings, I feel like we need to resort to a plan B, whatever that is.  I didn't get a whole lot of positive feedback when I brought up the need for a plan B.  I think I need to start making my own plan B.  Like, if we're still dire by the end of the school year, Maddie is going to have to go to daycare so I can work again.  And the France trip?  We have a daily discussion about canceling it.  I feel so foolish to have even booked it, despite being told everything was going to be alright and to go ahead.  When we were in talks about it, I said that the one thing I didn't want to have happen was us not be financially secure by the time the trip was here and that it became something I dreaded and was stressed about.  And that's exactly what it's become.  That said, I think we're both scared to not go.  Like maybe if we don't finally do this one thing we've talked about since we were dating, we're just going to go completely maritally numb with the eventuality of divorce.  Maybe we'll just get to that point where we've realized we never did any of the stuff we said we would and that there's no point anymore.  You can only just survive for so long. 

Well.  I've written a small novel here.  Safe to say that at this moment in time I feel as lost as ever.  Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I'm already fearful of how I'll get through it. I'm not even going to re-read this.  I feel better just having written it.  Time to go fold some clothes I guess.