It's another post that I would just love to start out with a slew of expletives. Bah. I'm gonna use this as a way to journal out some shit before bed. I'm having that issue again where I wake up in the night to pee and then start thinking about 500 things and end up awake, tossing and turning for an hour or more. Maybe if I clear my head out a bit before bed it'll help.
1. Joe talks about how fat he is ALL THE TIME. He really says nothing positive about his body, just that he's never been as fat as he is now. (No more Army, no more built in PT time.) I really don't think he looks bad. I love that he's broad and not scrawny, but I'll agree with him that his stomach tends to be a bit heftier now. Well, that said, here's what just happened: I was brushing my teeth as he got out of the shower. His stomach was completely puffed out and he made some derogatory remarks about it. Then he cracked on me, saying that I'm as fat as he is. Then he grabbed my stomach and conceded, saying that I'm almost as fat as he is. Given how he feels about his own body and then comparing me to him sucks. Given how I've really been trying to keep up some kind of workout (maybe not every single day like I did the first month), it sucks even more. But I have really been trying. I'm not a runner, but I've been getting out in this god damned direct sunlight with a one year old that I push in a stroller up and down hills (resistance both ways) at an elevation of 4600ft, sucking in air like it'll be my last breath.. And with that, I have been fucking running - about two miles an outing now. When I'm not doing that, I'm doing a video in the living room while Maddie naps. I have to make sure that I have enough time to also do housework and take a shower during those naps. But I guess all my efforts are for nothing. He apologized and told me I'm pretty and that he was just joking, and I appreciate that. But you can't undo what you said and did, especially when I know you this well and know when your jokes aren't just jokes. So, I figure my two choices are to get completely ripped and let the house/child go. Or run the proverbial lap well past him in the quest for fatness. Pun intended. Decisions, decisions.
2. Joe's stepmom. I don't know what to do with her. I try to stay over here on my side of town, but inevitably our paths must cross. She is some kind of tortured soul. She gets mad and hurt SO easily about things that don't pertain to her at all. She recently quit FB because of "negativity," to include (she doesn't know I know) one of my own statuses where I was happy about the Croat coming to town and said that for a few days Sierra Vista wouldn't suck. Yep. Even though she bitches about shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME. The hypocrisy over-floweth. My solution is to cut people like this out of my life. They stress me out, and I have no use for them. But she is family. Step-in law. The kind of family that you can't have it all out with (like your biological) and can't have your spouse deal with (his own biological). This is like the magic zebra of the family kingdom. We must move away from the magic zebra. It is no good.
3. Not having friends is starting to take its toll. I saw a normal looking mom at the playground yesterday with a boy Maddie's age, and I am seriously mad at myself for not engaging in more conversation with her. I feel like I let "the one" get away.
4. My kid is so clingy. It's just a phase; I know. But after a full day of whining and wanting to be held the.whole.day, I want to run away. I'm trying to find a part time daycare/mother's day out program now. I need a break, and she needs socialization (though we are going to the park more and more with other kids running around). I need socialization too, but....I'll pass.
5. I still can't believe Joe said that shit to me. He never comments on any positive change in my body, except that I'm more tan. And since I still can't fit well into two pairs of jeans, maybe there is no change. I think that might be worse. HOW CAN THERE BE NO CHANGE???? I'm taking measurements tomorrow. And possibly finding a meth dealer. Suck it, Joe. You dickhead.
6. I'm having the opposite of seasonal affect depression. (SAD is where you have depression during the gloomy winter months.) Well. I'm having seasonless rage. It is sunny here almost every day. Every fucking day. I don't remember the last time it rained. Everything is dusty and gross and sunny. Always sunny in Sierra Vista. I hate it. It was finally overcast for two days, and I thought I was in heaven. Not today. Back to being obnoxiously sunny. I checked the weather tonight, and it showed a chance for rain on Friday....the day we leave for MO. W.T.F.
7. It gets better right? No?
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3 comments:
I could have written this 4 years ago when we moved to Denver. I've been there, I know its tough. It will get better. I'm here if you need to chat.
The toddler phase is an ass kicker. OMG. My babies were super easy until they turned 14 months old. Now...holy shit. We take things day to day. We try to wear them out as best we can (park, painting, playdates, etc) and roll with the punches.
You're doing great, sometimes you just need to hear that :) You look incredible. Don't get discouraged. You rock!
Oh, Joe, you done fucked up homeboy. I think he must have skipped that chapter on 'ways to avoid pissing off your wife' because then he'd of known that you never ever say she's fat, much less go up to her & grab her belly. My husband playfully grabbed my love handle once but after going bat shit crazy on him (and crying silently in the bathroom), he's never done it again.
For the record, he probably just feels shitty about himself so he's taking it out on you. You probably look fantastic, regardless of those two pairs of pants you dont fit into. You should look into those Mommy & Me classes at the local community centers, they could be a great way for you & Maddie to socialize. Good luck sweets!
Thank you to both of you! Aimee, thanks for the encouraging words, as well as the suggestions for ways to wear her out. We've been going to the park A LOT the last few days. It helps to break up the day as well, and I have hope that maybe during one of our trips there, I'll find another "normal" mom/kid combo.
Lin, yep, you nailed it. We've talked, and he admitted to feeling bad about himself. I went pretty nuts the night it happened (not so silent crying), so hopefully he doesn't do it again. He's on a run right now, so hopefully he'll also start feeling better about himself soon.
And the hell with those pants. Meh. I looked into Mommy and Me classes...everything on the internet turned up that SV doesn't have any. God, I love this place. When she's 18mos, we're going to enroll her in "tiny tumblers," which she will attend with her father. Boom.
Thanks again, y'all!
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