Monday > Sunday

Yesterday started strong and then just went down the damn drain.  It was the Sunday blues combined with friendlessness.  We went to the park, and I was so full of hope that there would be fellow moms there for me to stalk.  Hark, I found two!  Each with a child Maddie's age.  Both boys.  Except they only seemed to want the boys to play together..."look, there's another boy; he wants to play with you."  Except both idiot boys would just stand there, glazed.  My kid was in the mix, running around, doing stuff.  But neither mom suggested their sons play with her, even after she ran up to one of the boys.  I just smiled and said hello.  Still I forgave them and lingered awkwardly as they talked, hitting it off.  As I stood there deciding that I would jump in the conversation, it got to the part where they each mentioned how much they love it here, one girl saying that it felt like home after just four weeks.  Whaaaa? 

And with that, I was done.  I moved off to the side and watched Maddie and Joe play a bit.  I also watched a three year old we'd met previously, literally drag my kid around by the arm, making her fall a few times before we all convinced her to let go and that Maddie could not walk that fast.  I did not like it at all.  Do not hurt my kid.  But still I was bummed.  Happy for the moms who found each other.  Sad for me that I didn't find my own new friend.  It was kind of like watching the dude you're into hit it off with another chick.  I even got teary and remained sad for the rest of the day, though I managed not to fully cry until several hours later....when my second attempt at getting an egg nog milkshake (for Joe) failed.  Luckily, I cried into the phone to my mother and not to the flamboyant lad who informed me thru the drive thru speaker that they were out of egg not.  THAT, AFTER JACK N THE BOX STARTED CLEANING THEIR MILKSHAKE MACHINE 1.5 HOURS BEFORE CLOSING.  Angry fist!!!

I at least decided to take a big step and put myself out there on the local cloth diapering group's FB page.  Did the whole, 'hey, my 16 mo old daughter and I have missed the boat on the social scene here....does anyone meet up, do kiddie classes together, etc?'  Um, I basically got one response: to join a natural, "crunchy" mama group.  Which aren't completely my people but a start nonetheless.  I'm probably guilty of judging them in anticipation of them judging me for not being crunchy enough.  What is wrong with me?  Really, they may be all I've got and great women to boot.  Still, it stung that even after inviting folks to join us at the park if they ever want to go, I got no other responses.  This actually occurred in between the park and the drive thru.  So by the time the post drive thru cry began, I realized this: 1.  I've never needed to have friends around me as I do now that I have a child.  I don't know how it's lonelier with a little person running around you, but it is.  Perhaps because you start to lose your own identity as you take care of them.  Which brings me to 2.  Friends help affirm who you are, who you know yourself to be.  Without them it's possible to start second guessing yourself more and becoming lost in your own scary mind.  The horror.

With that, today is better.  Thank GOD I woke up feeling alright.  If things don't get better after the holidays, I'll give up on friends and just start trying to find a good therapist to carry me through my time here.  And before anyone starts preaching, I have seen therapists before and been on anti-depressants.  Two different ones even.  Woohoo!!  So save it because I know that shit helps.

Now.  It's time for me to finally order more beauticontrol on this fine cyber Monday...order online and put in the promo code "cyber" for 20% off today.  Yes, please.