Hey Joe

Well, today is going a little differently than I thought it would. As a result, I can't seem to stop crying. I got up at 6:30 and got ready. I reheated the pizzas I picked up last night, cleaned out my car to fit two guys and all their stuff in it. I even loaded a little cooler with water and muscle milk. I then set off to the Golden Donut and got a dozen donuts, excitedly telling the staff that they were for my husband who's been doing some tough training. After that, it was off to post. With my map and verbal instructions from a friend, I managed to only make one wrong turn before coming up on Camp Rogers where the Ranger Training Brigade is. There were dudes all around in various spots. I found a little parking lot to sit in that was centrally located and began to wait. I really had no idea where I was supposed to be (because no one knows), which is unnerving when you're excited and was also mildly scared that I would be yelled at by Ranger Instructor's for one reason or another. So I called my gf who'd been out there before and was being informed where she'd parked when a creepy guy glaring my way approached my car. Recognizing the walk, I realized it was a skinny, angry Joe. The first thing he said to me was, "Hang up." Which I did without even thinking about it. I then became acutely aware that something was wrong as the next thing Joe said was "I can't see you today." By this point he had the passenger door open and stuck his head in, removing his BCGs and patrol cap. He was teary and just put his head down, looking around occasionally as he wasn't really supposed to even walk over to me. He then very quickly explained that he got "fucked on a patrol" and had been recycled - a whole chain of command on one of the patrol groups got axed for the mistake of one PL (who was the only guy in the group NOT to be recycled. Subjective as hell. Normally this wouldn't be so so terrible, but the best Ranger Competition will soon be going on out there and the next class doesn't start for another six weeks because of it. So he can either wait out there for six weeks, then redo this last three weeks and then another six weeks of the last two phases. Or he can quit. Quitting isn't really an option. So this sucks. This really fucking sucks. As he explained all this, he surveyed the car and realized I had everything he asked for, which made him more sad. But dude. The proverbial kick in the stomach knocked out any ability to cry on my part, and I just maintained that everything would be alright - no problem - and all this food would be there tomorrow (he may have a pass then) or whenever. I told him I loved him several times and that he was doing his best. I also reminded him of how subjective it was out there and that he was a-ok. He gave me a kiss. Put his crap back on and walked away.

I then put my sunglasses on, called my gf back, and commenced crying. I should have moved my car first because I think Joe may have been able to see me cry from where his group was, which I hate. Oh well. My gf, Sarah, told me to immediately come over, which I did and hung out for a while with her and her husband, drinking coffee and sorting out all the Army/Ranger Training Brigade bullshit. On the way there, though, I called Joe's SGT (with whom I am friends) and let him know what's up. I accidentally cried on the phone with him too. I don't really care. However, one of his responses was "C'mon now it's not that bad," but I don't think he realizes the issue with the Best Ranger break and how much longer we'll have to wait because of it. I was also fed up. All the stuff with my grandpa and being yanked around by the FRG, lied to by the commander, and realizing all the 'great' stuff about Joe's unit and its pledge to take care of the families is all for show. It's a fucking lie. I know what happened today was nothing to do with Joe's unit, but instead was the RTB. But after everything else WITH the unit, and then showing up today and being told it ain't gonna happen (and Joe wasn't even really supposed to walk up to my car - how would I have been told??), it's just too much. I have since called my dad crying, and even cried in front of my neighbor. I can't stop.

There was just such a sense of security before - "we take care of our own" - and it's gone. I realize now that no one is going to help you and that you must advocate for yourself. Find your own contact points for information because no one else is going to help you. I know this because in the event of a real emergency, a death in the family even, the ball is dropped. And I have tried. I really have. When we first got assigned to the unit, someone told me "Don't be one of those wives who doesn't try to get involved at all and just bitches about everything." With that, I made an effort to be involved. I became a key caller, attended FRG meeting, as well as other random stuff EVEN WHEN JOE IS GONE. And this is still what happens. I'm done. I'm not doing anything else that isn't 100% mandatory. I already feel helpless enough of the time in the Army, but being given false hope and made to feel that you're a part of something you're really not, there just aren't words.

Obviously, I am upset. I am sad. And I do not know what to do with myself. I want to run away and be done with all this. But I want Joe to go with me. That ain't happening. So I need to figure out how to stop crying and get out of here. My neighbor TOLD me I'm coming out to their lake house with them today. They already headed out, but before leaving, she told me she was counting on me and that I can't stay here and be sad. She's right. I'm also kind of afraid of her - tough petite southern women are the fiercest, so I think I may go. She invited the dogs too, and it's only thirty minutes away.

Hopefully, I will hear from Joe at some point this evening. He said that if I haven't heard from him by 9AM tomorrow to just head back out there. Isn't that great? I love driving around aimlessly in the woods hoping my husband will be released on some shitbag RI's whim. Fucking assholes.