Mama Said, Mama Said

Yes, Mama did say there'd be days like this, but today my mama told me a few other things as well. Triggered after my trip to Home Depot where I was told my strip/re-stain job was probably not going to work, the tears finally came. I then proceeded to half sob on the phone to my mother while I drove through town to check my out-of-town friend's mail. We covered a lot of ground between me not always wanting to take on difficult home projects by myself and the underlying issue of Joe being gone a lot, as well as legitimizing a marriage that frequently misses out on normal milestones...with children. She basically told me what I already know, have already been told, but definitely needed to hear again: this will all be okay. She reminded me that I'm young, and Joe's contract is only for a couple more years, after which we will be set up quite well for post-Army life together. As for the kids, what I blubbered on to her about was feeling like we should have them soon and wanting one, but feeling like we'll never get to travel afterward. Also, I told her a dirty little secret - that there are some couples that I want to have kids before. Don't judge - if you're a chick then you've felt this way. It's ridiculous and not a reason to have kids, no, but just a little extra charge. And in other ways, I feel like it would legitimize our marriage. You know we had a very small wedding with the intent of having a big party later (which will never happen). There was no honeymoon as everyone knows too well. And we missed out in the processes of both of these. In some ways, selfishly, I feel like we weren't as celebrated, ya know? The forgotten marriage. Like we're the hand-me-down couple that's missed a lot of milestones and therefore are not legit in couplehood. But if we had a kid then we would be? Yessss, then we'd finally be the real deal and people would ooh and ahh just as if we'd had a "real" engagement and a "real" wedding. Delusions, I know. To all that Mom said (with about 25% empathy and 75% no-nonsense reality orientation), "Look, I know you have no idea because you've never had kids, BUT YOUR WHOLE WORLD CHANGES." She reminded me that she was almost 29 when she had me, and 32 when she had Arielle. She told me she was more relaxed in her 30's and that I have plenty of time for kids and can do some other stuff first. Basically, she told me it wasn't worth stressing over and trying to "beat" other people out at having babies was as ridiculous as I know it to be. She also reminded me of the ways in which we are a great couple. I dunno. Just what she said and how she said it made me feel much better. I know I'll probably regress and get pissed about shit again, but for now I feel like I don't need to rush anything and that maybe, just maybe, one day Joe and I will be a real couple. :-) IIIIIIII've got no strings. To hold me down.....

As far as future stuff, I've also been stressed about my job. But I feel better about that too. I know what I need to do. I just wonder after the time is right and I finally do quit, what I'll do to have some balance. A stay at home Katie can be as depressing as social worker of shit bags. Hmmm. But I at least know I need to make healthier choices about my future jobs, and by healthier I mean a better fit for me. I feel good about admitting this. Social work is not something I can stay in happily. I will have to move on. And maybe I'll never have a career. Joe can have that. But I would like to find something I'm passionate about and some way to contribute something positive and worthwhile to this world. Oh what shall it be?