(Ma, click on the pic to make it bigger. And yes, there's a glare on Joe's nose.)I have nothing to write about. I'm just going to be upfront about that. I worked today assessing a bunch of suicidal people and then came home. My top two suicidal gestures in the last several days have been hanging by belts and overdose of pills. It's fantastic.
Once at home for the evening, I managed to talk myself out of cooking dinner (I even thawed chicken), walking the dog, doing laundry, and vacuuming. Um. You could say things aren't going well. But, on the upside I did will myself to go buy Dex more dog food so he doesn't starve tomorrow. Oh lord. Something's gotta give. I'm just in this down place. I'm tired of talking about Joe being gone because he's not even deployed. But I think that's just it. I'm realizing that him being gone is the norm no matter what, and we know I have feared this. Though I have friends and now even a job, this lonely "without a mate" feeling is starting to set in. Probably because I see no end in sight. Loving each other really does have to be enough.
I really need to get motivated. When I was actually working out regularly, it all started because I had to exercise my mind while Joe was gone in basic, otherwise I was super anxious and checked the mail compulsively. And working out felt good!!! I had to do it to stay sane. But I'm not anxious anymore. I'm the opposite, which means I don't have the kind of energy to redirect into exercise.
Okay, Joe just called. I mentioned some of this stuff just briefly - without anger or games, and he actually said it's stuff he's been thinking about too. We left it at that, but it was good to know we're on the same page. That's a strength.
So anyway. I'm just wrapping up watching the Nanny Diaries. (Cute movie.) Dexter has finally curled up next to me on the couch. And my right contact has finally given out. I'd say it's time for bed. Also, just FYI for everyone, I thought my contacts were dirty and kept cleaning them - even opened a new box - only to find at my eye exam the other day that my body is starting to reject my contacts. The doc had to flip up one of my eye lids which sent me into a panic remembering all the kids that used to gross me out with that in elementary school. Seriously, it took me a minute to be still again so he could examine. Anyhow. He found the tell-tale bumps under my eye lid. Apparently this occurs mostly with people who sleep in their contacts. But I don't. I'm just lucky. So now at night I have to put my contacts in a special contraption with a peroxide-based cleaner. Uh, yes. They must be thoroughly rinsed before I put them on my eyes in the morning. I've been terrified every time so far, but alas I haven't burned my eyeballs yet. And that too is a strength.
3 comments:
Oh Katie!! I feel your pain - I know EXACTLY how you feel!!! I would get so low when Nic was gone...Mondays were the worst because I had just talked to him the night before...and for some reasons that always made it worse. Mondays were spent dragging myself from bed - and only because I had to care for our kids. I know there's nothing I can say to really make you feel better, but I hope the time flies by for you and when Joe comes back it DRAGS by until the next time. :-) I always found that sometimes it helped to allow myself a pity party every now and then, as long as I got my act together the next day. Keep busy and stay around friends! I'm thinking about you!!
Ah, Katie, I heart you!!!!!!
Hey Katie, thanks :)
Oh and we may be in your neck of the woods before too long. Mike is going green, a.k.a, Marine officer programs are calling his name. It will probably be in about a year though, you guys may be long gone. HOpe all is well!
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