Weirdness

When I learned we were moving to Georgia, my first thought wasn't "Holy shit, it rains a lot there." But holy shit, it rains a lot here. The ground never dries, and my backyard sounds like you're walking on a sponge. It's gross. I've lived down here before - next door in South Carolina for the better part of a decade before I moved to Missouri. I do not remember rain like this. It sucks. It sucks even more when you have two young dogs. And it sucks the most when you have a husband who can finally help in the yard and other miscellaneous projects that require dry conditions like staining my antique desk or spray painting the old daybed. I'll be damned if every time we have a day off together it isn't raining. Shit, I thought we might even do something fun - hit a park or something, explore. No.

Truth be told, collaborating either for a project or recreation may not be the best idea right now. I think we're going through a growing pain. It seems I'm mad all the time because I want a husband who can be present when I want him present, and I want help around the house and to depend on someone. Blah blah blah. So then Joe gets mad because I'm mad all the time, and he starts lashing out - often without warning because much of his anger is repressed. It's starting to get weird this week in particular, and I find myself wanting more time alone, which is odd when 50% of our time in the last 2 years was spent apart. Maybe this is why: I have unrealistic expectations. Since I do everything in the times Joe is gone, I expect him to go above and beyond when he is home, which isn't possible with his job. While he's TDY or deployed, I actually save things to get help with - paint this, fix that, and it often doesn't get done upon his return. I also want help with the dogs, help with cleaning, help with dinner, etc. I want the damn princess treatment. Sometimes I do get help, and it's wonderful. But I think over the last couple years there's been such a deficit that I can never get enough. And I dwell on it. And it's poison. Girls, the fairytale will poison you. Especially if you're married to the military. Joe was telling me today that all the little things with his work consume his time and attention and that he is basically two people: Joe at work who is on top of everything, and Joe at home who can allow someone else to take care of things and provide support when he can. And you're probably thinking, "Well Katie, what did you think was going to happen?" Well, I thought that when he'd be home, he'd be home. My thinking was that when he'd be gone, I'd of course step up and take care of business, but step back down upon his return and have everything be wonderful. Um, I don't get to step back down. With that, I'm having to adjust my thoughts and ideas on this marriage. It's not easy. Naivety is a real bitch.

Ah, how I long for the days when I actually used to write about funny stuff.