My Effffffing Lawn

So, I give up.  Apparently trying to get my lawn mowed is like figuring out the national budget.  Except it's not really that hard.  At all.  I'm pregnant, and it's a self-propelled lawn mower.  It pretty much does the work itself.  I could do it.  The only problem I have is emptying the clippings bag.  My back hurts because of sciatica (I'm working on that), and it causes me to strain the rest of my body when it's acting up and I have to lift something.  And well that's not good.

Further, my husband is in an all.male.fucking.unit.  Some are gone but some are home.  And to date, I can't get my grass cut.  I don't get this.  Joe can't think of who else to ask, as his one good friend totally flaked out on me when he broke his phone over a drunken weekend.  Then randomly texted me the next week after I'd already mowed asking if he could come over the next day and do it.  Also, I asked a 12 or 13 year old neighbor boy if he wanted to help me and that I'd pay him.  His stepdad told me it was his first time mowing (the day I saw him in his yard and asked for his help) and basically brushed me off from there.  Maybe he didn't hear the part about my husband being gone or that I'm pregnant, and maybe what I should have told them both is that I started mowing when I was 12.  And it was a push mower, a real one.  And that I was a heck of a lot smaller than that boy.  What a weenie.  

Finally, some good fortune fell in my lap, and I got two offers of help.  My neighbor said that her daughter (who is 12 and taller than I am now) wanted to help me with the yard and that she needed the volunteer hours for jr. national honor society.  Right on, bring it on.  However, when I tried to talk to her about when she'd be able to do it, it was very hard to get her to nail down a time.  I mean, she's a 12 year old girl.  Also, she has school during the week, and on the weekends, they go to the lake, so I don't think that's going to work out.

Then, this other guy from Joe's unit was ready to come over last week, though it was too soon to mow.  He said to just let him know when I needed him, so I text him today saying that if he's still down to mow, the grass is ready whenever his schedule allows.  He responds saying tomorrow after work will be fine.  Then, a little bit ago, I get a text from his wife who says SHE will mow tomorrow because her husband is going to be busy after all.  Then, she sends a final text saying just this "It's supposed to rain tomorrow."  DAMN IT ALL.  I never said it had to be tomorrow.  Don't do it then if it's a problem or if it's going to rain.  What is so hard about "when your schedule allows"??????  And why couldn't he text me back?  Other wives text and call Joe for help when their husbands are gone.  I'm not trying to steal her husband.  I just want my fucking yard mowed.  And I don't ever, ever ask for help until now.  Hey, Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Biden, can your new initiative send me someone to mow my damn grass?!?! 

But ya know what, I don't care anymore.  I'm either going to hire some big name company and get ripped the hell off, or call some random person advertising on craigslist and probably be murdered.  No thanks.  OR, I take the bag off and just let clippings fall where they may, which is probably fine.  It won't be as neat and clean, but what can ya do.  The last option is to just let it grow and tell Joe I'm real sorry when he gets home and has to do it.  I hate the last option; it's just crappy for Joe.  I opt to mow without the bag.  Middle finger, middle finger, middle finger.