Get It On Out

Well, I'm not going to write the next part yet, though I finally do have a computer to use.  It's late, and I'm tired.  I want to...need to be very present when I write about that.  Doing so is cathartic.  Also, I feel like I need to vent about things going on currently. 

First, as everybody and their cousins knows, we are still at the hospital.  We had one particularly unsuccessful day last week followed by several good days, so good in fact that the nurses were starting to ask when our discharge date was.  Well, that good stretch didn't last long with Maddie's increase in instances of bradycardia and oxygen desaturation.  Blarg.  So today the doctor put her back on caffeine, which is a step backwards, but not awful.  They use caffeine in preemies to help stimulate their immature systems - meaning it's supposed to help her breathe better.  From least intrusive to most in terms of helping breathe is first caffeine, then back on the cannula with room air, then cannula with added oxygen and increased flow, and then after maybe a few more varying degrees of cannula there is the ventilator.  The only time Maddie was on the vent was after she started to get a little pneumonia in Mexico.  Plus, they would have vented her anyway for travel back to the states; she just already was.  Of course when we did get to Atlanta, she extubated herself within an hour...yeah, she ripped her own vent out. 

Bottom line is it's not that bad.  But that didn't stop me from having a meltdown this morning, almost immediately after my arrival to the NICU.  I know that I am still battling pregnancy hormones, and on top of that is everything else.  There's a lot of...I guess...sort of emotional trauma.  The whole packing for  a four day vacation and then being gone...going on six weeks now (except for one night when I went home).  Intertwined in that is having my kid two months early.  There was a plan in place to come home and do more stuff to get ready, a plan to stay pregnant for the duration, a plan to do everything the best way possible for my baby.  Of course, my plans changed.  Things happen.  Babies come early.  But that doesn't mean you just brush it off and are okay with it.  When I go home now it's to a house that doesn't seem like mine anymore.  It's both a reminder of where we left off, as well as life moving forward without me (and Maddie).  Then there's my girl herself.  She's having to fight so hard for things that term babies have easy.  It's getting better, but my guilt it still there.  Though intellectually I know it was out of my control, I still feel very badly that I could not continue to carry her and provide a safe place for her to grow and develop.  Finally, there's my off and on issue with seeing women who are late into their pregnancies and my reaction of jealousy and anger because I didn't get to experience the end of pregnancy as they are.  Despite all its discomforts, I wanted to get big as hell and proudly carry that baby.  Of course I'm happy even to have gotten pregnant and go as far as I did, but my brain was wired for more, something you can't easily undo.  It's getting better, though. 

And so, we're now operating off of a different plan:  My daughter, now a gestational age of 37 weeks and adjusted age of 5+ weeks, continues hospitalization for breathing issues associated with immaturity and reflux.  My husband has had to return to work to not use up all of his leave, leaving me in Atlanta by myself.  This is his third week being back at work, and he was not able to come up this past weekend due to having had PRK eye surgery (it was already scheduled and his last chance to have it before the Army would no longer approve it).  I hate that he's having to go two weeks straight without seeing Maddie.  I also hate that he has 24hr staff duty this Friday.  Then there's me.  Sometimes I can't tell if I'm coming or going.  I think I'm often operating largely off adrenaline, and when I slow down I almost can't handle it.  I find it best to just go on autopilot.  When real emotion does seep through, I can feel on top of the world on a good day, usually when Maddie's doing well.  On the bad days, I have to cry and sometimes can't stop.  I want us all to be home so badly, but even then I consider what it will be like caring for a preemie and being scared to death something else will happen (kind of glad we're going home with an apnea monitor).

I have no good way to cap off this blog post.  Maybe some positives and an attempt at humor?  Okay, so one good thing now is that I'm staying with a friend from my South Carolina days, and she and her husband randomly live close to the hospital.  It is soooo good to be out of the hotel, and my hosts are really awesome.  Also, my baby is cute.  I'm not just being bias either, because every nurse, even nurses not assigned to us who have no reason to kiss ass, come up to me and tell me how cute my kid is.  More than that, she's a fighter, and I don't think I need to expand on this one.  Unfortunately though, she does what she wants on her own time, not Mama's time.  However, I like that about her as well.  Last, with Joe's eye surgery, I'm looking forward to the savings with no longer having to buy him contacts.  Eh?  Eh?