From May to September

So much for a come back.  I'm pretty sure this is about to be a full scale mom blog.  I mean, it's really all I have.  There really isn't much room for anything else.  Shit, I can't even drink a cup of coffee without random crap being dipped into it nowadays.  Motherhood is my life.  Being a spouse is my life.  And I'm okay with that.  Right? 

After the adrenaline stopped pumping - leading up to the move, getting us through it (it was horrific), and landing here on (mostly our feet), I hit a wall.  I feel like I'm moving through it. I feel like I can see the light.  I'm suddenly planted somewhere, somewhere that I can just live.  No more waiting to get out of the Army or waiting to get out of Arizona.  We are where we want to be.  Right?  There is a bit of waiting in that Joe's job is commission-based, and we're waiting to not be poor.  Money sucks.  It makes it hard to fully enjoy being where I want to be.  On top of that, I have a two year old now.  In every sense of the word.  She's exploring and eager to learn and touch every new thing, but she doesn't have the language to fully share all her feelings regarding this exploration.  SO SHE FREAKS THE FUCK OUT.  A lot.  I question my abilities as a mother pretty regularly.  Sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be one because it seems like a good mother wouldn't feel like she didn't want to be around her kid.  Even though I know that sentiment is one that is shared among many mothers.  Still, it's tough to look at your day ahead, know it's going to be nuts and dread it, and then not feel a little bad about dreading spending time with your own kid.  Or rather, spending time alone with your own kid.  When I have a buffer/helper, I like her much, much more.  Don't get me wrong, I love her.  I love the tiny moments where it's awesome.  But the hitting tantrums because I won't let her throw apples at the dog or because she cannot scale the living room wall, those I could do without.

And then there's the marriage of two people who have just moved, one of whom has started a new job, and both parents of the aforementioned two year old.  Yeah, you can imagine.  Something along the lines of, The thrill is gone, baby.  In this sort of darkness I've been in, I've wanted more than I think Joe can give me.  Even if I directly say, I want tulips.  Surprise me with flowers.  I don't get them.  I'll hear that he tried to set something up and that it failed.  He tried to find tulips but couldn't.  He tried to make a massage appointment, but it fell apart.  I don't know if that's okay.  I guess it has to be.  But sometimes, I do wonder what life would be like if I had not followed him into the Army.  Where would I be if I'd stayed behind and accepted my very first social work job offer at a company that other MSWs loved.  Where would I be now?  Would I still be with Joe?  Still have Maddie?  Of course, I don't have the answer.  I've made it here - with husband and child (who is absolutely screaming back in her crib by the way....not sure if she ever napped...we're doing a new nap-striking thing everysingledaynow). 

So what now?

My kid is awake and pantsless.  I must see the rest of this day through.  Oh god.