Oh Damn

I guess I need to just stop checking my e-mail before bed altogether. If it isn't work, it's family. I got an e-mail tonight that pretty well outlined that my grandpa will be dying pretty damn quick. He was put on hospice last week and as of today is now bed-ridden. I guess all this stuff is obvious, and perhaps it is to those who have been informed of the gritty details from the beginning. But I haven't been. Or maybe I was in denial. I dunno. When I talk to my grandpa on the phone, he still knows who I am. That was good enough for me. I didn't know he was wearing adult diapers, falling daily and unable to get up (I mean I knew of some spills), and generally just going damn downhill at lightning speed until the last week or so. I feel sad that his life is ending, and I wonder if he was ever really happy. I feel guilty that I haven't seen him in five years. And I feel panicked that I need to hurry up and get to Glasgow, PA to try to say bye. And now it's almost midnight. I'm not asleep, and instead I feel pukey. I need to begin processing this stuff earlier than 9 or 10PM. DAMN IT.

Of course I called Arielle and started to work on flight planning with her. We may have to go next week. Not sure yet. Neither of our husbands can go, so it'll just be us. Hell, I may go and come back before Joe knows anything about it. It's nuts. The dark irony is that I talked to Joe before he started this training and asked him about his own grandfather's declining health due to Alzheimer's and the possibility that he could die while Joe is gone. I guess I asked about the wrong grandparent. There's always been something mildly comforting knowing that I had two dysfunctional, slightly psychotic grandparents up in Pennsylvania. They're a constant - always there - thinking good (or bad) thoughts toward the rest of us. But that's about to change. And it makes me sad.