JEBENTI MATER

AAGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

I am just angry.  A lot of it is probably stress over our lack of a certain future right now.  Still no job.  No real interviews even.  Awesome. 

Then there's Facebook.  I spend a lot of time on there, as there are some good uses for it - I get "mom" help from other parents, and on occasion I help advertise death row dogs (and sometimes even succeed in helping save them).  But then there's all the bullshit.  Everyone acting like their lives are great, but when I talk to folks one on one, they sing a different tune.  I just gotta start not reading that crap.  It just irks me.  I own my crap, and I really won't pretend things are great if they're not.  Ugghh. 

That said, I haven't completely exploded all over the internet yet about how much in limbo we are right now (but I don't pretend everything is awesome either).  Honestly, I've just been trying not to think about it too much, though I can guarantee that I lose sleep over it.  I really don't want to talk to anyone about it.  I'd like to think Joe's hardships in finding civilian employment speak more to the state of our economy than to the state of my husband's education and experience.  It's hard not to take it personally, though, and it kind of feels like these five years in the Army have amounted to nothing.  Of course, I'm not talking about defending our country.  I'm talking about our family and moving forward.  It doesn't seem like he's in any better of a position to get a job and provide for our family than he was prior to the military.  It feels like failure.  I'm not saying he's a failure.  Just the the whole thing.  The time apart due to training and deployment.  The long work days.  Watching jerks lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want while we do the right thing.  I sacrificed my career to be with him and have time with him.  We've played by the rules; we've put in our time.  I know, I know.  Poor US!  I learned a long time ago that the world doesn't owe you shit, but COME ON, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just crappy, and there's no one other than Joe that I want to talk to about it.  Not my friends, and not my family.  I don't know why.  I hate having to tell people that we're sucking, and I don't want to hear anyone try to tell me that they know what we're going through.  I just don't want to hear it.  The last year plus has just been pretty crazy - deployment during pregnancy to premature birth to beginning separation from the Army.  And I'm tired of thinking "after this, life is going to begin."  Need to settle in somewhere and start living.     

Yeah, I sound like a whiny asshole.  But sometimes you have to.