It's possible that after you're done reading this, you'll have a strong desire to tell me stop whining and drive on. Maybe you'll be right. I dunno.
I'm probably just frustrated amidst my adjusting time, but whatever. I'm a little bit angry. Here I am. What do I do now?? I feel like there's no real meaning to my life outside of Joe. Will a job give me that? I don't think so. A hobby? A dog? All of our crap fully unpacked so that we may feel comforted in all our materialism? Doesn't seem likely either. The horrible corny answer is that it must come from within. I know, I know. But who the hell am I? I'm Joe's wife, Arielle's sister, Dave, Stephanie, and Jan's daughter. I'm a girl who couldn't wait for high school to be over to get the hell away. I'm a girl who wasn't passionate about college or grad school. It was just the next step and a way to get away. I'm a girl who married a great guy and is living life with him, finally.
If I had it to do over again, I'd be a girl who didn't immediately go to college, but instead waited to realize what I really wanted to do. I would have been the girl who majored in biology/pre-vet and went on to be a veterinarian, yet still somehow marrying Joe. Maybe he'd be in the military or maybe he wouldn't. We'd be able to travel and connect with each other and the rest of the world - have some time that belongs to just us and not the Army or a move. Okay, so now this is more of dream land. But still. I guess it's who or how I wish I was and things were. But hey, I'm here. I can be a mother to a lovely dog, and Joe and I can travel one day when he's out of the Army. Right? Don't ask me why we can't travel the way we want to now, or I won't speak to you any more. Instead, ask Joe...
4 comments:
no worries, baby. i decided this week that i don't like doing page design anymore -- the entire basis for my career and what i'd decided i wanted to be when i grew up. so yeah, it bites. just try as many different things you can until you feel that non-stop tug and frothy desire. it'll happen. it may just take awhile! i know that's not too encouraging, but look at my mom...she didn't find her teaching passion until she was 35. and before that, she had a very fulfilling life as a stay-at-home mom and self-employed seamstress. it'll be a twisty road, but eventually it'll take you to your passions.
if i could only make money with my knitting...
Katie!!
Have I mentioned that I was exactly where you are 4 years ago? Your blog post is almost verbatim to what I wrote in my diary in those first 6 months of my marriage. It's like, we women do everything "right" - get a college degree (and in your case a Masters), maybe get a job/find something we like to do, and then get married. Period. So I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Right now your identity is limited to "Joe's wife" and the Army simply re-iterates that. Give yourself some time to adjust to that. You guys have been married for almost a year...but you haven't really been "married" yet.
Believe it or not, what helped me was getting that receptionist job at Antelope Valley Ford. When we first moved to CA, I was TERRIFIED of getting a teaching job...and that scared the crap out of me because I thought aside from Paul and teaching, what else did I have? So I backed up and "just got a job." And that helped! It gave me something to do outside of Paul and teaching and I learned through working with "strangers" my new role as "Paul's wife." Sure, I didn't stay there long (who would?) but even after 3 months of employment, I had a better outlook on life about myself. I needed to find my new place as a married woman in society and realize that outside of my husband and my chosen career, I still had worth.
So, I get it. MAN OH MAN! It's tough times but just take it one day at a time and I promise IT WILL GET BETTER!!!
I have amazing friends. Thank you both for your great and very insightful comments. I love you guys. I'll go ahead and put the pity party on hold. And here's hoping I get rabid about a job one day. I want that so much.
You're one of us "Lowrey girls" Katie! :)
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