Looking Up

After I wrote my last post, I re-read it later and was bogged down in how depressing it is. After that and an unfortunate incident with my neighbor, I've vowed to be more positive and better set the tone for my days. Despite that, I had some some pretty horrible stuff take place with my family recently that has me not currently communicating with Dad or Jan. Right now I'm reading Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, and the other night I read a line that really hit home, "It is one of the central ironies of my career that as soon as I got off heroin, things started getting really bad." Bascially, positive changes don't always happen the way one thinks they will, so I'm trying to make the best of a few bad situations and learn from them.

My last post is crap. Pure heightened emotion that just needed vented out.

The incident with my neighbor totally caught me off guard, I and vented publicly about it on facebook, which had me feeling guilty for a bit after the fact. The incident occurred when I was painting in my front yard, and my neighbor across the street came over and chatted for a few minutes. Joe was outside visibly running around the neighborhood, and I commented on how he was trying to do extra PT since he'd been gone on training that didn't allow a lot of time for exercise. I guess it was my fault for bringing up his training, but it was never about the training - just PT. My neighbor asked what Joe had been doing while on training (she asks a lot about what he does), and I told her that I didn't know. The reason I don't know is because it's sort of CLASSIFIED. Anyways. She then said, "Why can't he tell you what he's doing, he's just a (names what he is based on his unit). It's not like he's Special Forces...." (She went on to make a few more comments.) I can't write what my husband is because it's an Op-Sec issue. My neighbor knows what he is because she can see his uniform on the days he wears it home. He is allowed to wear his uniform home and no where else. If he is going elsewhere after work, he is to change before he leaves. That's just one example of them protecting their unit information, so yeah, what they're doing on training is probably a damn secret, since much about them is so hush hush. To me it seemed as though her comment was the equivalent to if I'd said something regarding her husband being "just an Army mechanic." It really hurt my feelings. To many Joe may be considered elite, and therein lies what may be jealously on the part of my neighbor. But my husband has chosen to serve his country, and this is the way in which he is doing it. By that, his serving is not just merely being a soldier and doing all the military things that go with it; it is also time away from his family - me, our life, and in a lot of ways a sacrifice of his own personal freedom. And that's how it is for everyone who chooses to be in the military, regardless of their branch, MOS, or unit, which is why I would never ever say something to another military spouse like what was said to me. By that, I have no desire to continue a friendship with my neighbor, and that's okay. I'm good with it. But, there will always be "haters" (for lack of a better word) both military and civilian, and in the future I will need to respond more calculatedly and not let it upset me. Lesson learned.

After that happened on Friday, I made sure to have better days. Joe and I had a great time with friends that evening, and a wonderful, laid back V-day on Saturday. Hell, we even went to the commissary, which on a Saturday was CUCKOO. Still, it was a good time, and afterward, we hung out at home, watching movies and eating sushi from the commissary. On Sunday, we went up to Atlanta and hit the zoo. It was awesome. I LOVE the zoo, and with the mild weather, the animals were up and moving around. The gorillas were fantastic, as were the lions. I seriously could have watched them for hours, and luckily for me, Joe could have too. We have a lot in common, and that's one of my favorite things.

Monday is when a non-issue with my family occurred, turned into a fullblown issue, and then a catastrophe, which ended with my dad and I saying some not so nice things to each other. For years I have tried to to make sense of my familial issues and to learn from them. I think the lesson here is that I shouldn't try to understand anymore and just accept the crap for what it is. There's no changing it, no being rational, and whenever I have the idea to have honest communication, with at least Dad or Jan, I should remember that to do so is a terrible idea, despite my dad making me write "Honesty is the best policy" 50 times when I was five or six. Yes, he raised me a certain way, and it's still not good enough. I'm twenty five years old, and my father called me spouting off threats about dropping a bomb on me the following day because I made my stepmom feel bad. Well, she took nothing constructively in our conversation in which I was trying to explain a few problems and mis-communications, decided that I was just mean, and Dad took it and ran with it, calling me, pushing me verbally into a corner until I screamed at him in a voice I didn't recognize, shook with anger and hurt, and continued to cry well after the conversation ended as Joe hugged me. Despite everything they do for me, all the gifts, my car, part of my college education, it doesn't mean they can wreck me emotionally. I am grateful for everything positive they have done, but I'm not going to continue to leave myself vulnerable to further attacks.

And so, Tuesday (yesterday) was a good day. I came out of my haze of wondering if I'm as horrible a human being as my dad continues to tell me I am, and even scored a job interview for tomorrow at an IHOP in LaGrange, Ga. Well, it's not for a gig at the IHOP; it's a social services job interview that for reasons I still haven't figured out is taking place at the IHOP. I'm pumped. At the very least, I'll be able to say I had a job interview take place at an IHOP, and hell if I manage to get a decent job out of this, then it'll just be icing on the cake. Also, I cleaned up the house and cooked a good dinner last night. Today's looking to be good as well because I'm going to make it be.